Trigger warning. Need advice.

[Misachan]

Hi 

Im new. Here goes.

Trigger warning.

Im depressed. Like very depressed. I have cptsd and sexual trauma I have ocd germaphobia accompanied by intrusive thoughts and sexual ocd. I also had a psychotic episode and have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. 

Need advice on managing the addiction side of the ocd. 

Ive already hurt my partner once by calling an adult hotline and it kills me inside because i didnt want to do it but felt like i had to in order to prove something with the thoughts, compulsions and trauma. 

I feel like im drowning in the guilt and also hating myself for being this way. 

I need a friend. I feel like no one around me would approach this in an understanding way. 

I feel alone.

Im trying to get help but ita a slow process. Any advice would be appreciated. 

[Operamumma]

Hi there Misachan



We wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to the forums.


We hope that you find the forums a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve.



Feel free to Introduce yourself here if you haven’t already!



We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

[Ruby26]

@Misachan Hi. I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I also have c-ptsd, sexual trauma and schizoaffective disorder. 

I think you've already made a very positive step by joining the Sane Forums. When you get the compulsion to call an adult hotline, do you think you could cope with calling an actual support line instead?  If you can, try setting a timer for 15 minutes and talk to the support line for 15 minutes before you call the adult hotline. 

This helpline will provide support specifically for sexual trauma: Home | 1800RESPECT

Sexual trauma combined with sexual ocd is a very difficult and complicated combination. It is important to find a mental health professional who has an understanding of this. You may need to be seeing more than one professional at the same time. Did the person who diagnosed the ocd make any recommendations for who could support you? 

Here is just a list as a starting point: 

1. Go to a GP and get a Mental Health Care Plan to see a psychologist who specializes in OCD and sexual trauma. You may need to do some research first to find someone suitable. You should get 10 sessions at low cost with this plan. 

2. Go to a GP and get a Mental Health Care Plan to see a trauma informed relationship therapist. In addition to your 10 sessions with a psychologist, you can get 10 sessions to get relationship counselling for both yourself and your partner. Only do this option if your partner feels open to this.  

3. Peer support such as the Sane Forums and also peer support specifically for sexual ocd. 

4. Talk to a Psychiatrist about options for medication. You may need medication for both the schizoaffective disorder and the ocd. A GP can help support you to find one. 

5. Self-care. I have found having an exercise and mediation routine has really helped me. Also, if you're lonely there are extra-curricular activities you can try. I would suggest having something social and enjoyable to do on a regular basis that won't be a trigger for the ocd. If face to face things are all a trigger than you may need to start with online only and build up gradually to face to face activities. Video game communities can be a good way to distract yourself and connect with others. And there are online social groups for any kind of area that you have a passion for. 

I hope you feel better soon. There are lots of people online who will be understanding of complex mental health issues. 

[Misachan]

Hi @Ruby26 

Thank you for reaching out.

And I really appreciate your advice. I feel so relieved to know Im not alone in this and I really want to improve my condition. Not just for my relationship but for feeling more fulfilled and happy with my life. 

I reached out to Sydney clinic that specialise in OCD [edited by moderator]. Ive booked an assessment with them and also have a GP appointment booked this Sunday to get a mental health care plan. 

Im looking for a way to bring up the relational therapy to my partner.

Honestly the counsellor Im seeing at the moment is not feeling right. It was a bit demeaning to have them tell me Im unhealthy and Im suffocating my partner by needing high levels of support rn. It made me feel really unseen. And led to me blaming myself alot over the past few days. 

Thank you for helping me feel like Im still worth it. 

I will take your advice about the hotline stuff. The thing is, in the past Ive called lifeline and they misunderstood me and thought I was being inappropriate and tried to report me. But I was just trying to explain like what the intrusive thoughts in my head were and how distressed I was by it. Like I get inyrusive thoughts about my traumatic experiences that lead to panic.

I am with headspace, they are the ones who diagnosed me. I am also setting up a medical review to manage medications and referrals. I have had bad reactions to alot of antipsychotic meds, experiencing akathesia and restless leg. 

Id like to ask, if you feel comfortable sharing online, if youve been in a relationship where youve approached the sexual ocd with your partner in the past, and how the process of healing was. That is only if youre comfortable, I understand its a bit of an intrusive question, please dont feel obligated to answer, I really dont want to make you feel offended or uncomfortable. 

[Avacado_1]

Seems you need to deal with the root cause of your issues. The conditions you've mentioned all stemmed from something traumatic. No use dealing with the symptoms if the root cause is still an issue. It'll continue to be an issue until you've faced the cause yourself. No one can do that for you, only you. Yes, you can try professional services but you need to be honest with yourself first, or else any professional help or support will be a waste of time - for you and them.

I don't know your background or history. I know nothing of your stories or what you may have faced so I cannot comment further or give practical advice.

From what I've read though, it seems you need to forgive yourself and give yourself some compassion. Then, and only then, can you begin to move on and have healthier relationships.

You don't have to tell us what your root cause is. I understand you may prefer to keep it off a public forum, which is understandable and fine. But whilst you seek professional help, ask yourself whether you'd be comfortable talking about your root causes in the first place.

Dealing with traumatic memories and flashbacks is more than just throwing medication down your throat. Much more. Give yourself all the time and space you need to in dealing with your traumas and grief.

I wish you all the best and hope you find the help and support you need.

[Seamusy]

Hi @Misachan.

I can understand why you'd be feeling guilt and shame about acting out on your addiction and hurting your partner. 

However, I encourage you to be kind and gentle with yourself and forgive yourself. It's not your fault that you have an addiction as a result of trauma. It's something that has happened to you.

I don't judge you. I believe you have an illness that drives you.

Good luck getting the support you need to work through this.

[Ruby26]

@Misachan You're welcome. I'm glad what I said was helpful and that you want to get better for yourself (not just your partner). A difficult thing with shame is that it can cause a feeling of being undeserving of getting better. It is important that you know that you deserve better than to be tortured by OCD. 

I hope the OCD clinic is able to provide you with the right type of support. I've done assessments like that before and I found the process to be straightforward and non-judgemental. It can be draining so do something nice for yourself afterwards. 

How did you go with getting the mental health care plan?

A counsellor shouldn't use terms like "suffocating", as that would come across as judgemental for a lot of people. And if they are going to point out that something you're doing is unhealthy then they have a responsibility to also offer you alternative ways you can get support. While it is okay for a counsellor to challenge you, increasing your feelings of self-blame is problematic. The OCD clinic should be able to help you find someone who is better suited to your needs. Some counsellors aren't suited to dealing with complex needs, but an OCD clinic should have more understanding.

Lifeline counsellors aren't trained in dealing with complex needs. The advantage of calling lifeline is that they're available 24 hours a day, but they can't provide actual OCD treatment.  If you're calling lifeline, it is better to say "I have sexual ODC and I need someone to talk to right now to stop me acting out on a compulsion. The compulsion does NOT place myself or anyone else at immediate risk of harm, but I will not be sharing any specific details".  And then just talk about how you are feeling rather than saying the intrusive thought out loud. Some types of intrusive thoughts are better to write in a private journal that you don't share with anyone apart from an OCD specialist. I understand that this can be very frustrating when you're highly distressed. It is a shame that we don't live in a world where these things can be talked about more openly. 

I've also had a lot of bad side effects from anti-psychotics. I'm someone who does need them to function, so it has been worth taking the time to try out different types and dosages. A good psychiatrist can give you advice on this. 

In terms of sharing my personal experiences with sexual OCD, I've given this a very heavy edit to avoid triggering you or anyone else reading this post. I hope the OCD clinic can give you a referral for either group therapy or a peer support group. It sounds like hearing from other people with sexual OCD would be really helpful for you. 

So my story...

So I have sexual trauma and traits of both rape-based PTSD and sexual OCD as part of C-PTSD, I don't meet criteria for a separate OCD diagnosis. C-PTSD is a dissociative disorder while OCD is a complex anxiety disorder so while symptoms can overlap, the healing process for each one can have differences. My healing process has been focused mostly on C-PTSD. 

I have an ex-partner who claimed to have sexual OCD, but it turned out that he was never diagnosed with OCD and his sexually violent thoughts were something that gave him pleasure rather than being intrusive. While I do believe self-diagnosis of OCD is many cases is valid (when professional support is difficult to find) this man behaved in ways which suggest manipulation rather than a genuine self-diagnosis. Be cautious about private contact with men to discuss sexual OCD, it is safer to go through a proper OCD organisation that has clear safety and boundary rules. In this context the process of healing was to cut contact with this ex and get educated on the difference between sexual OCD and actual predatory intent, the impact of trauma on relationship choices and trauma bonding. 

When I started dating my current partner, I was obsessed with this ex and I would have a lot of dissociation, switching and flashbacks during sex. My current partner also has a lived experience of sexual trauma and OCD, so was exceptionally good at understanding me and where I was coming from. But it was still confusing for both of us at first what the situation was with my ex, and there was a lot of misunderstanding and tension (we were close to breaking up at one point).

The process of healing began with me taking some emotional space from my partner to work on my healing on my own. I would have one chat a day on social media with my partner and two "date days" a week but the rest of the time I was on my own working on my healing. I spent a lot of time in online support groups, journal writing and healing through music. Eventually, my partner and I also saw a social worker/ relationship counsellor. 

I have developed an intensive exercise and mediation routine, which has helped me so much with keeping myself more grounded. I have done a lot of research on how trauma impacts the brain which has helped me to understand better how I react to things and why some things are so hard for me. 

I have also found a lot of healing in undertaking physical activity in social interactions. I have performed in amateur musical theatre productions and go swimming with my friends. I've tried out a variety of singing, dancing and fitness classes and many didn't really suit me, but this process was important for helping me find what specific physical activities were right for me. 

I'm still in the process of healing. Both my partner and I have times where we get triggered and it causes tension on the relationship. Living together in a tiny space has been hard because we can't really walk away from each other every time a trigger happens anymore. But overall, we have a really healthy and loving relationship. We know how to communicate well with each other and how to repair things after a trigger.

I'm having a hard time with depersonalizing right now and I'm focused on spending a lot of time grounding myself each day. My partner is struggling to comes to terms with having impulse control issues when dealing with triggers. We have become stronger and closer as a couple for being there for each other during difficult times and also having space from each other when needed.