A long rave

[Mazarita]

A couple of hours sleep, and now awake again at 2am. Wonder if there's anyone around to chat...

[Teej]

You still up @Mazarita? 

[Mazarita]

Still here, @Teej. 

[Teej]

Hi Maz @Mazarita

not really sure what to chat about but am here. It seems like we are both living in crazy times lately. 

[Mazarita]

True here about the crazy times, @Teej. I feel like my sense of recovery has slipped a lot lately. What's happening for you tonight?

[Teej]

Much of the same. I had been feeling suicidal for the last few days but seem ok at the moment. I don’t get how it changes so much. @Mazarita. I know yours is related to med changes. That must be hard and frustrating just waiting to see what happens to you with the changes. 

Are doing any video work at the moment? 

[Mazarita]

So sorry you struggle with the suicidal impulses, @Teej. Good to hear you are feeling okay at the moment. 

I haven't done any hands on video making for about 6 weeks now, an unusually long break, just no energy for it.

I'm not sure what's going on with me at the moment. Been off the anti-p for about 10 days now. It all seems complicated, what is me and what is the meds.

[Teej]

That must be really frightening and frustrating @Mazarita. I hadn’t picked up that you’ve been unable to do video for so long. How long will you stay off them to know if it will improve? 

I havent got the med changes but personality ones keep coming and im continuously uncertain of who I am. I feel like a different person nearly every day lately. 

Do you ever ever get hooked just searching the net trying to find something that will make you feel ok for just a second? 

[Mazarita]

I will stay off the anti-p's unless I become too dark and angry and troublesome for those around me, @Teej. That's what started me taking them in the first place. Too destructive in mood at that time, about 2012, I think it was.  There's not much sign of that returning at this time, thank goodness.

Being uncertain of who you are must be tough, especially with the feeling you are a different person every day sometimes. I think there's always uncertainty about who we are. In a way, that is beyond naming, I think. But, as with lots of things, there's a spectrum of experience of these things. Hugs.

I tend to do the same round of a small number of websites, @Teej. More if I'm making a video. Haven't been on a really good journey through random internet interests for some time.

[Teej]

I’m glad you have some boundaries around the anti p then @Mazarita. I hope you start to feel more able to do videos and more things you love soon. 

I think I might say goodnight and try to sleep again. I am feeling very intense again and don’t want that intensity to come through here again. I love this thread for a light hearted rant or rave but I know when I’m getting beyond that too which is now. It’s been nice to catch up though. 💜🤗