Am Not Coping

[Zoe7]

@utopia my strongest relationship is with my GP - and my psychologist is also pretty amazing. I called this morning to see my GP but she is away until next Wednesday - that is the same day I see my psychologist again. I do have both their numbers but I really don't want to bother either of them. I don't want them to know how bad I am at the moment - I know that may sound strange but that is just the way I am feeling. I have become really good at covering up what I am really thinking and feeling. To be honest I don't even have the energy to even be able to talk to anyone at the moment - the actual opening my mouth and words coming out is just too hard. Being able to write to you is just about all the communication I can deal with and although I know I haven't responded to anyone else, and they will understand, I still feel like I need to - I just can't do it at the moment. I would be very grateful if you could be around tonight to just help me keep my head above water - but I totally understand if that is not possible xxx

[utopia]

@Zoe7. I'm happy to be around tonight. No problem at all.
I just had a 50 minute conversation with my mum on the phone. Not unusual. We are both talkers. And she rings constantly. So that's why the delay in writing back.
I understand the thought of not wanting to bother them Your gp and psychologist. I do the same sometimes.i ask myself - ' is this really that important to disturb them'. Will it pass on it's own in a day or three. And do I want to have to explain myself and possibly see or hear their (imagined on my part) - dissapointment.
But then, I also know when I am bad. When I need that helping hand. It's a juggle between which voice wins.
It's good that you can contact them if you need to though.
My psychologist gets annoyed when I don't call & he thinks I should!
So what are you doing now?
Are you on the couch - snuggled up? I'm not sure. Do you have a pet? That snuggles with you on the couch? Sometimes simply stroking or petting a pet can be soothing.
Am happy to talk about anything you want. Is there something specific - your friend - your feelings - where you're at? Or would you rather just chat about nothing?

[Zoe7]

@utopia am on the couch. Toby is on the floor and my cat has just gone to her room to sleep - yes she does have her own room - and Toby has the rest of the house!

I've got the tennis on but had to turn the sound off because it was hurting my head. Not even really interested in it tonight - just on so I'm not sitting in the dark doing absolutely nothing and getting overwhelmed by my life.

Don't particularly care what we talk about - how about how you are feeling about the weekend and what may or may not happen?

[utopia]

@Zoe7. I have 3 dogs. Too many for me to cope with really. But little Max had been in the pound for months - & I didn't think - & just said yes.
Oh regrets. But he's partvof the family now.
This weekend. I'm nervous.
I'd only just posted in The Worry Room - that I was missing him. About 30 minutes later a Friend of his responded and said she was seeing him on the weekend and she'd get him to call me. She said - he's bad with the ph. But that he is ok. And she was grateful that I was concerned for him.
We last spoke on the 27th of Dec - but honestly - it feels like so long ago.
Some days were good. Others were tough.
I am relieved - in a way - that he is okay. But I guess I want to 'know' it myself.
That's an ongoing concern of mine with regard to my friend.
Because I've worried about him for the past 30 years. Knowing - or thinking I know part of his story from back when we were teens - has made me very fearful for his life.
I should pause now.... and let you talk. Lol

[Zoe7]

@utopia My little Toby means so much to me. I never ever thought I would have a dog because I've only ever had cats. I won't mention her name on here because it is very unusual and anyone who knows me knows her name - Toby on the other hand is much more common!

I don't know why you fear for your friends life but whatever it is I understand how much you can worry about someone you care so much about. It doesn't matter how much they don't want you to - to me it is just a natural instinct when you truly care about them and want them to be healthy, happy and able to live a full life. Can't take my own advice at the moment though.

The tough days don't matter when you can share the good times - it's just when you can't share any more good times that life gets tough! Too profound for this time of night?

[utopia]

@Zoe7. Never too deep.<br>I was concerned things were wrong in my friends life when we were teens. At the time - I guess I was still nieve &amp; I didn't know what was wrong. But as I gre older and learnt more about the world and how sick some people are - re: abuse - I put two and two together. <br>The news on the Royal commission into church abuse - just cemented the pieces of the puzzle together. <br>I was worried about him dying from a drugs - as I could see - that he was in pain &amp; was vulnerable to this. And I lost other friends to drugs over the years.<br>The fact that he was the first person I ever loved - has also played into the mixed emotions I've had since last year.<br>Worrying is a natural part of human nature. But sometimes that worry - can be overwhelming.<br>Yes I mention two of my dogs names but not the third. It's also a very distinct name.

[Zoe7]

@utopia completely understand your worry re your friend and his history. Abuse, of any kind, and in any time of one's life can completely destroy anyones sense of self-worth and their on-going battle just for survival can be exhausting. I haven't lost any friends to drugs but they have certainly impacted my life in other ways. I hate them and what they do to people and the things people do when on them. I was so reluctant for so long to take any meds myself because of what drugs do to people but got to a stage that I really needed the help. I think this week has shown yet another reason why even having them in the house is not a good idea when I am 'heading back down the well'. 

You never really get over your first love - and if that ended in less than ideal circumstances then the feelings you had for them really are conflicting.

[utopia]

@Zoe7. I think when are feeling particularly fragile - it can sometimes be a good idea to have the bare minimum of medication in the house.
I know our local pharmacy helps some people who struggle with this - by keeping most of the meds at the pharmacy and disoensing 3 or 4 days worth at a time.
Similar can be done by having most of your meds at a friends house or similar. But I guess that needs to be in place - before you get to that vulnerable stage.
My friend and I never dated. Just talked a lot - particularly over the summer I was 16 - I think. We had some really deep conversations - but obviously he never spoke about his abuse.
so no romance but we did have a night of drunken kissing. That's a nice memory.
I just clicked with him because he was different from the ither guys & was so easy to talk with. I enjoyed his company.
So he has struggled alot from what I can gather - in his adult years - due to his childhood trauma & also due to the decisions he then made as an adult - due to that trauma.
Although he says he is doing okay. I guess I just want to see that for myself. And have an opportunity to say sorry - fir not knowing what was happening. But also because I did know something was happening.

[Zoe7]

@utopia I did have my meds supplied a while back for only 5 days at a time. I was doing really well for a while - maybe just kidding myself a bit - but my GP and psych also thought so - or my GP would not have changed my prescription as she did. I think this is another reason I am scared to tell her about the other night - I don't want her to think she made a mistake - I would have found a way that night under any circumstances.This is not the first time - both times before I managed to get help before it was too late - this time I really didn't want to - I just failed! Did sleep for a long time though!!! and sleep is not something I do well at all. It's not just the loss of a friend who I cared about but many, many other things that all came to a head (and all at once) that really tipped me over the edge. I really had just had enough of not being able to look forward and always reliving the past - the lack of sleep has a lot to do with this also. 

Re your friend and saying sorry - you may feel that you need to but the reality is that even though you thought something was not right with him, you didn't know what he was going through and you didn't cause him the pain, therefore YOU have nothing to say sorry for. You can be sorry for the position he was placed in at the hands of others and sorry for him having to endure such pain but you cannot be held in any way responsible for NOT KNOWING. People who are abused are often really good at hiding what is going on - just as their abusers are! Don't be so hard on yourself - I'm sure he would tell you the same thing xxx

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Zoe7 @utopia ....

Its mid-afternoon here ... just wanted to let you know that I'm having a pyjama day with this flu I've got .... just skim-reading along with you a bit, but I will be around during your night @Zoe7 if you need company in the wee hours ....

Other than that, just ignore me.  I'm flitting around in the background.  

Loving that you have reconnected.

😊💕