Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jane9]

Dear whatamess,
Good on you for having the strength and courage to leave. I hope in future you will be more able to look back and be glad you made that choice.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@whatamess

I bought that "walking on eggshells" book, trying to make sense of my husband's behaviour.  He has an undiagnosed "hidden" eating disorder and his behaviour went so far off-line I was trying to work out what else he "had" .... I had had no real comprehension of the mi side of eating disorders, believing that the mi tag was associated with body dysmorphia alone ..... huge education across these last seven years ..... 

Once we stopped resisting the e.d. as much as possible within our household, and disengaged from him emotionally (speaking for my kids here too) it has been much easier to function from a pragmatic perspective, but it is still emotionally bruising to witness what he is doing to himself in the grip of this illness, and so hard that it still remains hidden because he has rigidly maintained an "acceptable" body-weigh, which serves to mask the e.d. mindset and driven, excessive daily regimen of exercise and Orthorexic, prescriptive eating pattern.

The "walking on eggshells" book helped me to set boundaries and remove myself somewhat from the relationship.  I see a psychologist periodically to keep myself accountable in terms of managing the long-term stress of remaining in this dysfunctional setting, and I do worry about the kids too .... but they are all adult now, and understanding the mechanics of this illness, and the Stages of Change model that it progresses through, all helps.

I find it hard to express what a support these forums have been.  While my husband's illness is hidden, our distress is too .... so in many respects we are living a lie until this beast surfaces and can be addressed properly.

Wishing you well in recovery.  Feel free to keep posting and coast in the company of othe gorgeous) forumites.

F&H

[Janna]

Hi @whatamess
Your story had me completely enthralled like a good psychological thriller. Disorders of personality and pathological personality disorders are one of my interests due to the fact that I was married to a man with a malignant form of narcissistic personality disorder with elements of antisocial behaviour. One of the interesting things about these disorders is that they present on a continuum and spectrum, meaning that each individual will have a unique combination and predominance of traits from any of the disorders classified together as either Cluster B or Axis II disorders. Personality disorders which fall into Cluster B include borderline, histrionic, narcissistic and antisocial. Individuals can have an overlap of traits from any or all of these. So you can have a narcissist that exhibits strong antisocial straits or a borderline with narcissistic traits.  I'm by no means qualified to make a diagnosis but from my experience and readings, and from what you've described, this lady seems to suffer from borderline personality disorder with hints of antisocial. I don't think she is narcissistic as such for one main reason. Narcissists believe that they are superior to others and will go to the ends of the earth to preserve this false belief and their public image. They generally will not act or behave in a manner that could jeopardise this in any way and are very covert in what they do. They do rage, but almost always in private. Regardless of her exact diagnosis the problem with most of these individuals is that they possess no insight into their own behaviour and believe that there is nothing wrong with them and everyone else has a problem. Because of this they are not very amenable to treatment if they even get there in the first place. The first step for her would be to acknowledge her problems.  The other very important thing is that these people are usually highly destructive and very toxic to others and best to stay well away from. From a legal perspective I can assure you that your recordings will not be permissable in court due to the Survellience Devices Act. It is actually illegal to record or film anyone without their consent, particularly if the recording is to be used as evidence. You would need to have recorded informing her of your recording and her giving consent. How do I know? I had a phone full of recordings and learnt the hard way that they were fundamentally useless when it came to law. Photos of damaged property, injuries to yourself or other evidence is permissible but all such incidents need to be reported to the police asap. Close encounters with personality disordered individuals are not the the faint hearted. The experience is mind blowing and incomprehensible. It takes time to recover as it is very traumatic. Give yourself plenty of TLC. Reading widely and educating yourself helps tremendously as it validates what you have experienced. Keep records and logs of everything - conversations, sms texts, sightings, damage to property, threats ..... anything. Above all please try to go "no contact" - it is the safest and best option.  I also fully echo what others have said.  Please do not accept the AVO - lodge an appeal if need be.  It is not right that this goes on your record. And please see a psychologist to help heal the wounds this experience has inflicted.

Wishing you all the best. What you have been through sounds like a nightmare.

Janna ❤️