Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Phanelope]

Hi. This is a long post. I have been with my husband for 12 years and I knew fairly early on he had mental health problems. He was sexually abused as a child and this has caused ongoing issues for him, although i didn't realise how extreme until recently. <br><br>Over the years there have been several occasions where he has seen a therapist or been medicated for anxiety and depression. Nothing really worked but once he was able to get to a point where he was able to function again he just let it blow over. Over the last year he has been behaving really erratically lying all the time and making bad choices. We are going through a lot of stress right now with finances so i thought it may have been that, but I didn't think that stress was enough to account for all of his behavior. <br><br>I told him to leave about a month ago but then made him come home because he was acting suicidal and i was worried. He promised he would change but he hadn't at all and was getting worse. Then over Easter he did something really terrible and criminal to me. I was encouraged to go to police and everything but i didn't because i knew something just wasn't right with him and he needed help, not to be treated like a criminal. <br><br>I demanded he speak to someone and he contacted mens line who told him he was to go straight to hospital and admit himself and not to go anywhere near me or my kids. He is absolutely terrified of being locked up. In his early twenties he attempted suicide and was locked away for 2 weeks. He said it was the worst experience of his life. I myself have spent one day in a mental hospital and agree its a horrible place that isn't good for your health at all and probably more used to protect yourself and others than to help you heal. In addition to this we are also struggling financially. We are barely getting by as it is and he knows if he is in hospital and can't work we'll lose our house and everything we've worked so hard for. My income is nowhere near enough to keep us going and we are already getting help from centrelink and its not enough.<br><br>After speaking with mensline he confessed to me what is going on. He says that he doesn't feel like anything is real or that people are real. He knows things are wrong but he doesn't attach any emotion to that wrongness. He said when he did what he did to me he wasn't thinking of me as a person but as an object and even though he knew what he was doing was wrong he just didn't care. He said the next day when i was crying he should've felt bad but he just didn't. We did some research together and looked at different dissociative disorders and he had all the symptoms and history including the childhood abuse. He said he felt better now that he had a better understanding of what was going on. Then he confessed to me that his entire life including our whole marriage he has had obsessive sexual thoughts. He says he thinks about sex almost constantly and not just normal sex, some things that are really disturbing like rape etc. He says he also thinks about having sex with men. He says he thinks about cheating all the time and hasn't yet but was thinking he should do it just to get it out of his system. He thinks that he pulls himself out of reality as a way of coping with all of these thoughts.<br><br>So obviously he needs serious help, but is reluctant to get it because of the fear of being locked away. Is there any way we can get help for him and guarantee he won't be locked away? Are his problems so bad hospitalisation is the only choice?

[Former-Member]

hello @Phanelope

You have endured such a difficult, complex situation.

You are still wanting to help this man, because you are able to see the real person behind the traumatised, out of control man. You have great empathy.

The fact that he openly discussed what he has been carrying around in his mind for all of these years is definitely a step in the right direction for him and possibly yourself further down the line.

You do have to put yourself and children first however. Yours and their safety is paramount.

Your husband would benefit from seeing a trauma psychologist - there are psychologists who specifically specialise in sexually abused trauma - google or ask your doctor.

I also believe that you would benefit from a psychologist. If you agreed, your psychologist could see you both together to help put a plan in  place. Or this could be done via the trauma psychologist. Or at this stage just discussed as an option at a later date.

The main issue is for you to not be on your own with him at this time. All of this of course needs to be discussed with him, however not when you are on your own.

His therapy will take time.

Does he have a family member who can step in as a third party? Someone he trusts and feels safe with. He does not need to discuss what has happened just practicalities of living apart whilst he receives treatment. Finances of course need to be taken into account. You possibly might be able to rent your property out if you cant afford the mortgage at the moment and rent somewhere. you might be eligible for rent assistance if on a low income.

Your relationship and where that is going needs to be put on hold for awhile.

The journey will take time, will be arduous on occasions but very worthwhile in the long run for all of you including your children.

I feel for all of you at this time. Life can be so incredibly hard. We do survive though if we can accept change. Nothing is permanent though. Keep living in the now.

[Dragonfly]

Hello Phanelope

I'm very sorry to hear about your recent problems.  It is good that you have reached out to the Forums for help and support and I'd like to welcome you to our community.

I hope you receive some valuable advice and help from our members. Good luck with the steps you take to find your husband support.

Best wishes

Dragonfly

[Phanelope]

He does have somewhere he can go but the house is empty and I worry what will happen if he's unsupervised. Plus i don't think i can cope with all of my family stresses without him. Even though he's got problems he does help out with the house and children. I don't have any other supports.

[soul]

Hi @Phanelope, sorry that you have found yourself in a really stressful situation. I have to agree with @Former-Member, that ensuring the safety of your children and yourself is of the utmost importance.

Your husband has taken his problems out on you in such a way that it was unlawful. That is serious. Odds are that he will do it again. Out of the blue, my ex attacked me. Afterwards, he was extremely remorseful but the following month he came at me again and this time he wasn't so sorry. I was left with massive bruising, a broken jaw and ribs and damaged property. I refused to believe that the gentle loving man I was living with could purposely do something like that. I was convinced that we weren't like all those domestic violence cases you read about in the media.We buried our heads in the sand and put it down to stress, a bad childhood, instability and thought it would never happen again.

Then another month - after no provocation, I was again assauted. As I fled our home, a neighbour came to my assistance and rang the police. My ex was arrested, charged after he admitted he had attacked me and imprisoned. Even through all this, I stood by him. On release, we left Australia and moved overseas. A new beginning or so we thought -  but the abuse continued every couple of weeks in two different countries. There I had no support whatsoever from family or friends and little protection from the law until eventually he attacked me and damaged property so severely again that the police intervened. Once more, he was arrested and locked up in remand for a couple of weeks until he paid a bribe to be released. In the meantime I had fled back to Australia. There have been many times I felt I could have been killed and just as many when I have wanted to be.  

It took me a long time to realise that I wasn't to blame and that there was nothing I could do to stop what happened to me. The environments I was in prevented me from escaping and my ex was very manipulative and controlling. He has severe behavioural and personality disorders and is currently seeking help for them. I however can never put myself in a situation where I am alone with him.

Please think very carefully about what you have gone through. If he won't move out, can there be someone who can stay with you?

It seems like he knows he needs to change but doesn't want to be inconvenienced by the process he must undertake. My ex went on medication and to a counsellor a couple of times a while ago but stopped taking the drugs because he didn't like the way they made him feel. He didn't like the counsellor either so didn't return to him. To this day he has minimised and made excuses for his behaviour and won't take responsibility for it.

Don't buy into his excuse that he didn't know what he was doing. If you have the time, have a look at this book. It gave me the answers to the questions I was tormented by. 

http://unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I understand that you have a whole lot of other issues to contend with including your children and your home. Gather some people around you that you can trust and please stay safe.