Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[gammaxgoblin]

I really cant find any relief right now from my codependence. My girflried has complex ptsd and clings to the delusion that she can fix herself somehow by reading enough or trying the same thing which doesnt work over and over. She is never willing to fully abandon her will and take direction or be led by anyone even people who have successfully done something which helps. Right now she literlly sits in bed all day, while i work, then sits in bed when im home playing games on her phone in full flight from reality or dealing with anything. I mean I cant even sleep right now because I try to lay there and she just continues to play her games sitting next to me and my mind wont let relax knowing she is there. She doesnt remember to take her meds. She isnt helping with dishes, laundry or cleaning. I literally am doing everything and then at 1030 she asks me if i picked up her meds today. I ask her if she just thought about that and she said no....well it would have been helpful to mention it while i might have been able to make it to the pharmacy in time. None of these things are things which I should have ownership of. How can I possible recoer from codependency like this. There is no where else to sleep but the hard floor and she wont leave the bed. My mind starts to think that leaving this situation is the only way i will ever be free again. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @gammaxgoblin

I hear your frustration. Have you spoken to your partner about the way you feel? I think doing this gently is a good start. Making her aware of the vital need to help herself for not only the betterment of her own mental health and happiness but for the survival of the relationship. Communication with compassion, tact and honesty here is important.

Then take a step back from doing things for her - letting her do her own laundry, cooking and picking up her own meds. Let her know this is what you intend to do now and stick to it no matter what. This would not only take the strain off you but be good for her too - where she has to get out of bed and try. This will help improve her own self esteem, confidence and help lift the depression. Avoidance feeds anxiety and depression. Purpose, self belief, value, worth and goals is what she needs to get back in order to help herself - with your support if possible. 

Does your partner seek counselling with a psychologist to help with her lack of motivation, anxiety and depression? When expressing the above changes perhaps consider suggesting  accompanying her to the latter where you both can receive guidance on how best to deal with her mental health problems and your relationship. 

Carers of the mentally ill Australia (google in your state/area) may be also a good source to contact for advice. Wishing you both the very best.

[Janna]

Your partner sounds as if she is very "non-functional" and relying on you to do everything, including sourcing and giving her meds.  Perhaps you are doing too much and this has allowed her to become less functional. Although starkly different situations, I can resonate with this because she sounds similar to my son.  

If she is truly suffering from PTSD she needs to be engaged in regular therapy as this can be "cured", unlike many other mental health disorders.  I would suggest that you also consider seeking support from a psychologist for yourself.  He/she would be able to work together with you in a supportive way and give you the tools required to sustain such a relationship.  As much as an MI sufferer needs support, carers and partners also need support.  Don't delay in getting such support for yourself.  By doing this you are not only going to help yourself but her as well.

The current situation sounds extremely difficult and taxing on you.  At the end of the day, despite your partners problems, you need to look after yourself.  Please seek support from a qualified professiona to help you through this.

Take care

Janna 💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @gammaxgoblin and welcome to the forums.

It is important 8n your situation that you seek ephelp for yourself as you are clearly overwhelmed and something has to change before her mental health issues bring you crashing down as well.

Your go is a good starting point.  In our state you can’t speak up about your spouse without them present, but you can go on your own and speak about you, and just how overwhelmed you are feeling.  Your gp ought to be able to recommend support for you, and perhaps request to see you both together, and send you for couples counselling as a way of getting through to your partner that she needs help or she is at risk of losing this relationship.  Sometimes being confronted with that reality is what causes people to accept help.

Perhaps too she doesn’t know how to take the first steps to reclaim8ng her life from the inertia that has taken hold.  She may be eligible for visits from a social worker, which takes the onus off you to get her up and moving.

Carers Australia are a support service available to people such as yourself too.

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au

It is so crippling to feel so powerless, however that is likely to be what she is experiencing also.  Please reach out for support.  It’s not something you should be trying to handle alone.

We are here for you too ... t9 walk along with you.  Please check back in and let us know how you are getting on.

F&H