Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Janna]

I feel terrible ... terrible because I'm reaching out for some help and I feel terrible because I haven't extended the same help to others of late.

My son, who suffers with ? major depressive disorder and social anxiety, has been through the entire mental health system and emerged without any positive gains.  For those that don't know he is an adolescent and was in residential care for 8 months and was discharged approx. 6-8 weeks ago.  

I now have my son back at home with me, in the same mental space he was in prior to his extended and so-called intensive treatement.  To cut a very long story short ... it didn't work.  I have a plethora of criticism I can level at our mental health care system as a result, but at the end of the day that doesn't help me or him. One day I will give you my critical analysis of our system, but that is a topic in it's own right.

My son is back at home 24/7.  He refuses to go to school.  He refuses to do anything much, other than live.  He is holed up in his bedroom, rarely sees the light of day, is as uncommunicative as ever, chucks wobblies everytime I challenge him in any shape or form,  has no motivation to change, appears to be content in his non-existant existance, and is the perfect example of the living dead.

I can't handle it anymore.  I seriously am finding it so difficult to have him in my presence it's not funny. After dedicating so much time, money and energy into helping him, I have now come to the conclusion that all of it has been about as useful as pi$$ing into the wind. I no longer have hope and that is a dangerous thing. I no longer have hope that with patience and time he will move in a positive direction. Without that hope I have lost my tolerance, resilience and my strength. I am over it. I concede defeat. I can no longer invest myself emotionally, physically and financially into someone that gives NOTHING in return. I am sick to death of it, and can’t do it anymore and don’t even want to deal with him in any shape or form. I find his existance harmful, hurtful and mind-destroying. I hate it. I hate having to deal with every part of him and question my love for him. I can’t keep giving out and getting nothing in return.

I had hope when he entered into the CAMHS faclity. I had hope that with the right mental health treatment he would respond positively. WRONG. After leaving this facility, with very small improvements (many of which could be simply attributed to increased maturity via the passage of time), I have now come to the end of the road.  There is nothing further I can offer him,

My realisation that the mental health system is inadequate and incapable of providing support in any shape or form in this situation merely galvanises my feelings and accelerates my despair and discontent.

I’m finding it so hard to be nice to him. Finding it hard to even serve his basic needs because of the ungratefulness that exists. The less I see of him, the less I do for him, the less I am aware of his existance, the better.

And yet in all of this, when I (Mum) loses it and speaks truth, I am the one who appears to be the mentally unstable and compromised indiviual at risk of judgement.

If I could only come to accept things perhaps this wouldn’t be as hard. Resistance is what makes this hard. Trying to achieve what seems to be the impossible, instead of accepting the inevitable.  Trying to accept that my son is rotting in his room is hard.

I hope you get where I'm at.  Done .. is the best description.

Love

Janna ❤️

[CherryBomb]

Hi Janna,

Things sound exhausting and utterly disappointing. Please don't feel terrible about not being around on the Forums - You are dealing with enough already. 

I'm sorry to hear where you and your son are at. May I ask how long has he been home for? It sounds so draining to seem like you're back at square one. Though, it might seem like things are hopefless right now, please remember that your son has shown moments of progress throughout his treatment - which means that there is potential for change. Lapsing is normal. 

@Janna, to use your words, you sound 'done'. To me this says, that you're exhausted. Unfortunately, this is a place that carers can commonly find themselves - when your compassion gets worn out from being chronically stressed. I've written about it here. It doesn't mean you don't care. In fact,  it often means that you've been gone above and beyond for your loved one, and put your needs aside in the process.  @Janna is it possible to take a break? Even for a day or an evening? Have some time out to reflect, and consider what options you have. It might also be helpful to speak to someone. 

CB

[Appleblossom]

A soon as I saw the title of your post @Janna  I was sad. For both of you. You were a lady with heaps of HOPE and DETERMINATION and INSIGHT and RESOURCES when you began posting on this forum.  You also had more trust in the system.

Protect yourself and your sense of being a decent person and decent mum .. as top priority for a while. Engage as little as possible if that is what seems appropriate.

Let him hole up if that is what he wants.

He is probably "self educating" somewhat .. as teens still have a hunger for knowledge .. even if they are in reclusive stage .. he also may feel he is relating and connecting to others online and so therefore not feel isolated.

Is there a law that says parents are required to provide 24/7 internet access?  

Access to food and water and sanitary and cooking facilities and roof and a bed .. and invitations to learn life skills ... would probably be where I would go with it.

I made my son go cold turkey a few times .. for a month .. when he was around .. 15.  I never have regretted it .. and somehow he is .. learning to self regulate online .. a little.

he just interrupted me whilst posting to set up a session where he taught me one of his computer games.  I also worked hard to shift his sense that I was anti computer .. that is probably why I Indulged myself when I found the forum and started staying up late .. so I could understand its "magic" pull.

He is teaching me Hearthstone .. I am pretty passive with it .. but he enjoys showing me stuff .. and I feel that positive interaction is worth a lot.

Honestly @Janna I dont know what is best for you to do.

But I hear your exhaustion, and am just replying .. and hoping it gets better.

[Janna]

Thanks @CherryBomb and @Appleblossom for your replies.  I most certainly meet all the criteria of compassion fatigue.   This would not be as soul destroyingly hard if I received a sliver of appreciation and thanks for all that I have done and continue to do.  My son has been home for approx. 6-7 weeks now.  He was discharged at a time of personal crisis (within 1 week of being admitted to a PECC unit for suicidality whilst at home on leave).  He was dropped from the CAMHS facility like a hot rock.  There has not been 1 phone call post discharge to check on his well-being. Even my car service centre calls after service to check on my satisfaction with their service and my car.   No post discharge support services were enlisted or recommended .... and you know why?  because there aren't any.  The best the facility offered on discharge was to give me the phone number for our local acute care team which I already had.  I rang every organisation I could think of from Headspace to Partners in Recovery etc etc.  He falls between the cracks everywhere - too far gone for Headspace to handle as they are for "emerging" mental health disorders; too young to qualify for support from Partners in Recovery (minimum age is 24) and it goes on and on.  The best I advice was to continue with weekly therapy with his psychologist!!  I couldn't even find any suitable youth groups which he could join in my attempt to keep him socialised.  Given that I am doing this alone with no support from anyone I'm not at all suprised that I have cracked.  I am burnt out despite self-caring Thanks for listening - offloading helps.

Janna ❤️

[Janna]

Thanks @CherryBomb and @Appleblossom for your replies. I most certainly meet all the criteria of compassion fatigue. This would not be as soul destroyingly hard if I received a sliver of appreciation and thanks for all that I have done and continue to do. My son has been home for approx. 6-7 weeks now. He was discharged at a time of personal crisis (within 1 week of being admitted to a PECC unit for suicidality whilst at home on leave). He was dropped from the CAMHS facility like a hot rock. There has not been 1 phone call post discharge to check on his well-being. Even my car service centre calls after service to check on my satisfaction with their service and my car. No post discharge support services were enlisted or recommended .... and you know why? because there aren't any. The best the facility offered on discharge was to give me the phone number for our local acute care team which I already had. I rang every organisation I could think.  He falls between the cracks everywhere - too far gone for some to handle as they only deal with  "emerging" mental health disorders; too young to qualify for others, and it goes on and on. The best I advice was to continue with weekly therapy with his psychologist!! I couldn't even find any suitable youth groups which he could join in my attempt to keep him socialised. Given that I am doing this alone with no support from anyone I'm not at all suprised that I have cracked. I am burnt out despite self-caring Thanks for listening - offloading helps.

Janna ❤️

[Lunar]

Hello @Janna,

I also couldn't help but notice just how exhausted and burnt out from the past year you are, I am so sorry to hear about the lack of follow up after your son's treatment in hospital and that you are feeling like all your unconditional love, care and support has been taken for granted.

I am sure one day you will look back and your son will be able to appreciate all that you have done, perhaps like @Appleblossom said, he is going through a reclusive stage as a teenager and wanting to be alone in his own world. All you can do is check in on him every now and then and encourage him, but please start to do some things for you, only you. This is really important for you as well as your son.

Have you been able to see anyone and talk about how you are coping right now?

Lunar

[Janna]

Thanks @Lunar.  The problem is that I do incorporate a lot of self-care on a regular basis, but it clearly isn't enough.  I think I need a holiday, or a longer break.  I'm only able to sneak a few hours in here and there, and the occasional overnighter at a friends place.  It's been a long time since I have been able to get a change of scenery and some time out. I think what tips me over is that I also live with my aged 87 year old mum.  She's generally very good, but she is aged, she also has needs and is becoming increasingly dependant on me.  Just this week she slipped over and had a fall in the shower but thankfully only ended up with bruising.  Then my 22 year old daughter has micro-episodes of extreme neediness and abhorrent behaviour because she gets jealous of the attention that her brother gets, and that's not to mention her own anxiety issues.  Argh ..... I could literally scream sometimes.

I have spoken to various people from various organisations and no-one to date has been able to direct me to any service that could be of some help.  I see a psychologist on a regular basis, but again that 50 minute session barely scratches the surface of my problems and she also is at a loss as to what to recommend other than for me to continue employing as many destressing and self-caring activities as I can to prevent the overwhelm from happening.  Again this only works with limited success.

Offloading here helps a little as well; it drills a tiny hole into the bottom of my stress bucket and helps to reduce it filling up to the top and overflowing. 

Janna ❤️

[Pebbles]

Hi @Janna

It's great to hear that you are finding snippets of time to use as self care, so important for us all to remember to regualrly engage in self care.  With everything you are juggling at the moment it really is great to hear, I'm wondering if you feel that it is enough at the moent? Sometimes adjustments might be needed.

I know for myself finding the time, making the time and acknowledging the time I take as self care are all importtant parts of it. For example, if I have chosen to take my dog out for a walk I find it more benefical to acknowldege that I have made time and taken time out for myself rather than just doing it. Its that acknowledgemnt that seems to help me recognise and rememebr that I do use self care. 

I hear you feel you need a longer break like a holiday or a bigger piece of time, one thing that poped into my mind when I read your post was respite. Wondering if that might be an option for your mum to access respite in your local community which might help take a lottle off your plate at the moment?

I hope you continue to offload here and we can help open up those holes in your stress bucket to let more out.

Take Care.

Pebbles 🙂

[Appleblossom]

@Janna I know what you mean about the lack of post discharge support.  I guess its just keep the weekly appointment.

Maybe socialisation options will open up later, if he can reduce his distress and get back into the mood for the company of others and not lean on you so much.

I would be talking about genuine feelings and affections and even drop a comment about good sexuality .. in the car .. snippets here or there .. just for due diligence re that area of life... not requiring agreement or understanding .. but that he gets where YOU are about those issues.  

There was a period (5ish years) in my son's life that if I touched him he would have gotten very annoyed .. I am wondering if your boy is in that mode .. we have passed that .. and can exchange appropriate affection now .. in a range of ways.

Have you read @Faith-and-Hope stories about her baby dragons?

Find a way .. to acknowledge bad behaviour without condoning or escalating conflict .. "being a grumpy bum" .. or whatever works for your family. I always find it works best if I admit to a grumpy bum moment first .. then later others get the idea .. my son has apologised to me when out of hand and it has been the most wonderful music for my ears .. mostly though .. he is back to being a pleasure to live with, complies with minimum board and odd jobs.

Please dont lose ALL hope.  I pray you and your children get through this period, with Chrissie coming up there are still probably hurdles.

Use Self Realisation goals in your talk with him .. but dont buy into any negative goals caused by SI.

Gentleigh Bentleigh with you.

[Faith-and-Hope]

On the run here, so short on time to respond at the moment .... but love what you've written @Appleblossom ....

Teens are an emotional cocktail at the best of times, and they often mistake rudeness for being assertive in their immaturity .... so even if they're calling you names and being obnoxious, try not to take it personalky .... they are big babies in fact .... teenaged toddlers .... imagine them in nappies if it helps ....

@Janna

Hugs ....

💗💕💐❣