Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[xtine]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months. We had our first disagreement today. I find it difficult to understand his body language and feel it’s difficult to get the understanding and empathy I need. I know he loves me but how can I try to feel less anxious about his non-verbal body language?

[marchhare]

Hi stpd, It is marchhare here. One of the forum moderators. Welcome to the forums. I am sure you will get good advice from the forum members about your issues with your boyfriend. I am sorry to hear abut your first disagreement with him.

Perhaps if you tell us more about yourself and about him the forum members can give you support and advice.

[Former-Member]

Hello @xtine

I care for my husband who at one stage was been diagnosed with a personality disorder (not otherwise specified) but this has been changed to bipolar ii.

Mental illness puts a great deal of strain on even the most robust of relationships and I think the answer to your question is quite a difficult one and is likely related to a number of contributing factors.

'Affect' is the facial expressions, tone of voice and demeanour a person gives in response to how they are feeling. This is often reduced ('blunted' is the medical term) or inappropriate in someone with StPD making it difficult to read their non verbal cues. They may laugh at something that is not funny or may not show excitement if something really good happens. This would make the reading if his body language a lot more difficult for you.

No healthy relationship is without disagreement and being able to resolve conflict in a healthy way is essential for both parties to feel safe and secure with each other. From what I understand the very nature of StPD means that someone with this disorder will have difficulty making and maintaining close relationships. What you see as a problem may be quite normal to them.

Intimate relationship are often not sustained in the long term with sufferers if StPD as the usual expectations of what a romance entails needs to be thrown out the window. Those with StPD do not have the emotional skills to show affection as would be desired by a partner, for example one often does not get hugs or smiling in response to affection being shown. Their ideas of reference and odd thinking often means that they become paranoid even towards the ones they are closest to.

You articulated yourself that you are not getting empathy and understanding as you would no doubt want, this can be another trait of StPD and your boyfriend may lack the ability to provide this. I do not know if this is something that can be learned.

I have attached a link that may be of help to you.

http://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/schizotypal-personality-disorder-stpd

[xtine]

Thx marchhare!
Ok, I am recently diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder so that can be tricky for interpreting non-verbal body language. My boyfriend has a mild form of stpd and dysthimia and possibly even some autism spectrum stuff. There is recently an issue that has been causing him some stress and that came to a head on the weekend. It’s very interesting because he can be very present and lucid and aware at times and that’s been great in him realising what has been making things difficult for me.

Hi Darcy, thank you for your response and link! It’s great to get some other feedbacks and perspective and support. I feel fortuanate that the odd affects/bluntedness isn’t constant - it kind of comes and goes in waves it seems. I’m also glad that I’m realising that a lot of what seems like him not being interested is him needing reassurance. But I’m also glad that he realises I need the obvious non-verbal stuff to feel reassured - like a nice smile in the morning or reciprocation from a hug. And sometimes I need to not expect this to come from him.
I’m happy he’s started with medication (from before I met him, but it’s a recent thing) and he sees a psychologist. It’s going to be tough at times but I hope we can work through it and put the efforts in to help each other feel safe and secure.

I have anxiety and depression also. Recently I went off my meds (with GP supervision), but I’ve now started on a new type. I’m glad I did before I got too unwell. Thank you both ❤️

[Former-Member]

@xtine

I did notice the difference between StPD and schizoid and breathed a sigh of relief for you.

With any MI, relationships can be successful but it does take a lot of understanding, compassion and forgiveness and from what I can ascertain in most MI relationship guides, a willingness for the person with MI to be in active treatment and allow their partner to be involved in the process. I don't know how I would cope if my Mr Darcy declined treatment.

On the carers side we place a lot of emphasis on looking after ourselves so that we don't get lost in the MI of the ones we care for. As you say, sometimes the hug will not come from Mr StPD and finding ways of being able to cope with this is important if you are going to maintain a long term relationship.

Sometimes we all need to let off a bit of steam in relation to our caring roles and we all need to have a grump from time to time. As I read other posts, I sometimes think 'thank God there is someone else who understands'

There are a number of social threads about on the forum and it often nice to have a chat about shared interests.

A lot of us have quite a wicked sense of humour too (that also helps).

Darcy

PS Virtual hugs are readily available here too

[xtine]

Yes, I have the wicked sense of humour so thankful for that!! What is MI?
I’ll check out the shared threads re interests, that’s good to know. Thanks so much Darcy! *hugs*

[Former-Member]

@xtine

MI = mental illness

What are some of your interests?  There are some threads on various topics - dogs, cats, gardens, art etc.- might be able to tag you in some.  

A tag is when you put a @ symbol in front of someones name, in doing so it gives them a notfication +/- email to let them know that they have been mentioned.

Darcy

[xtine]

Cool - I’m into art, philosophy, psychology, food (mostly vegan/health). Thx for expanding the MI!
I’m trying to update my profile pic and info: is this best done on a computer as opposed to a mobile device, can’t seem to figure it out!

[Former-Member]

Your pic has updated @xtine ... If you want to change I would have to look up instructions but it is easiest done not on mobile ... have tagged you in some threads

[xtine]

Yes @Former-Member - I found the Settings option appeared when I logged in on my laptop. Thank you ❤️