Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[ineedsupport]

This feels wrong… is it wrong to look for support on the internet??? My partner has bipolar type 2, the last two years have been so hard for him with major depressive episodes and of course his manic stages too. I’ve done everything I possibly can to help him - taken over all the bills except the mortgage, supported him in changing jobs so he was up later and home earlier, forgiven his infidelity, gone without more than I really care to admit. I’ve been trying for a year to get him into a psychiatrist but it’s so difficult with Covid and the wicked long waiting lists. We had a miscarriage three weeks ago, and I didn’t get to feel my emotions because I knew that this would trigger and episode. And boy was I right. I woke up at 3:30am to him tiling the bathroom - and no it’s not finished and doesn’t look amazing because five tiles in he decided he’d try fix the floor boards, are they fixed you’re wondering? No they aren’t, because half way through he decided to wash the dog. So many things happened during this episode that have made me worry about him more than ever. He didn’t work for a week because he was too scared to leave the house. He worked one day this week and is now in a deep depression, he’s slept the last two days and nights. Is it wrong that I feel so angry because I work every day and can’t take a break to look after me because I have to look after him?? How do you wake a 6ft 120kg man from a depressive sleep when they are anrgy, am I doing the right thing letting him sleep? I ask him what he wants me to do and he’ll say he doesn’t know. I’m worried everything I’ve done for the last three years has made him worse. I love him more than anything, I am just so lonely and hurt by his words and actions. Any and all advice welcome - except for advice of leaving this relationship 

[tyme]

Good Evening @ineedsupport ,

I'd like to firstly welcome you to the forums and assure you that no, it is NOT strange that you seek support here.

Behind every post is a REAL person with REAL experiences, and I'm sure there are others who have been in similar situations to you.

I hear you are in a challenging place. I understand your partner has bipolar 2 - while waiting for a specialist, have you been able to see a GP to monitor your partner's 'episodes' so that perhaps in the future, your specialist can liaise with your GP?

In the midst of all of this, I also think it is important you find space for yourself. It is a great start that you have been able to reach out here for which I acknowledge your bravery. Do you have other supports you can also reach out to? I am a strong advocate for 'Caring for Carers'. Individuals are so lucky to have people like you in their lives, and hence I'd like to re-iterate the importance of looking after yourself, especially as you have also been through a miscarriage.

I'd also like to direct you to SANE's other services including our free Counselling Support  and Peer Support services. You can book a call, webchat etc. - whatever you feel most comfortable with. You can also phone our counsellors on 1800 187 263 (M-F 10am-10pm).

I encourage you to keep reaching out here - a safe, anonymous space. 

Take care,

tyme

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @ineedsupport, 

What would happen if you said to him that you need help and space?  It's now at the point where your mental health is no longer able to support itself. 

Have you also checked if your work has a free support service?

[ineedsupport]

Thanks for your reply. Normally he is quite understanding and would support me, but at the moment he’s just not in a place where I could suggest it without him getting defensive and arguing about it. Hence me looking for support and advice on the internet lol

I work for a local Council so there is plenty of support available, I’m just really hesitant to access it because I’m my experience the professionals I have spoken to don’t understand what it’s like to have and only advise me to consider leaving. 

[Paperdaisy]

@ineedsupport I'm sorry to hear the stress this situation is causing you. Sounds like you feel very alone and are looking for some guidance. @Shaz51 may have some insight for you as they have shared experience. I hope you find some support here. I'm also wondering if it might be worth having a psychologist for yourself to help deal with this? Please take care 💝

[tyme]

@ineedsupport ,

How are you this evening?

Reading through your post again, I can see how much you really care for your partner. It makes it all the more worth while to support each other through. 

For me, during my worst times, it was those who really cared that stuck by me - no matter how 'bad' i was. I am forever grateful for these people in my life. 

I think @Paperdaisy has made a really good point. If you haven't already, consider seeing your GP for a mental health care plan so that you can also access subsided psychology sessions (for yourself!). 

A carer's health is so important. 

I encourage you to continue reaching out in this space. 

[Anastasia]

Hello @ineedsupport and welcome to the forums.

No, it's definitely not wrong if it feels right.

I'm a carer of my son and I also suffer with anxiety myself having had years of turmoil with my boys health. Looking after yourself is paramount, the rest will follow.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, I've been through that too and it hurts. Be gentle with yourself. You are allowed to grieve and talking to someone can help. I highly recommend the SANE telephone support. Otherwise Griefline are wonderful. I also contacted them last week having just lost my Dad.

There's no judgement here, you are welcome and amongst friends. 

Tag me anytime with a @ in front of my name. 

Take care 🌷

[wellwellwellnez]

I hope, at the very least, the dog-washing was complete, but also, scared to ask. I should also say, to your question "is it wrong to look for support on the internet?", as an internet support person I would say, no it's certainly not. In fact, we live for this. Also, it is important to keep things respectful and confidential and additionally add that you've been doing very good at that.

It looks like you're at the reaching out stage and I'm getting the feeling that your loved one is also there and if not very very close to it. That part is actually really promising, but as you said, the other half of challenge is system navigation. And to be real, there's always lots of systems to take into account between health systems and all the other systems of life.

I'm personally working with an AVPD condition, which shares some of the bipolar II features, mainly late-night, often-switching obsessions. One things that I think helps is having wellness obsessions on regular rotation. I'm wondering what the equivalent of that for your partner and yourself would be. The answer to that, would help guide you both to a "strength-based" strategy.

Strength based is a very in vogue terminology, in health and other organisational systems. It's also something, I think, that's really useful for recoverers to think about. Using a dental analogy, it's about finding the right dentist but also about finding the right toothbrush.