Topic Tuesday / 24 March 7pm AEDT / Is life not going the direction you thought? A discussion about the loss a carer experiences

[Rjb]

Attahua, lousy when our loved one lacks the insight to do what needs to be done, and challenges our goodwill and love when we offer direction.

[Former-Member]

I have been in limbo about loss for over a year, my hubby decided to seek solitude to get better & get his business back on board, have finally got him to a psychiatrist last month - he only seems to be going monthly (???) & is currently between mood stabilizers. He still totally blames me for his illness severe depresion now looking like a cyclic mood disorder thats been going on for 30 years. he only communicates via txt & has stormed out of joint counselling so many times, he'll be asked to pay up front in future. I have backed off for the moment but we are coming up to a year of hime being out of the house. hes never announced a separation. i have no idea whats happening next week even!

[CherryBomb]

@3forme @Viv  @Former-Member 

I think @Concerned raised a really good question: how do you find your freedom when you are fearful of loosing your loved one to suicide?

[Former-Member]

Hi concerned - it can be pretty overwhelming if you feel as though you are the thread keeping your daughter together. How do you find the time to support for yourself? I think part of the answer lies in you leaning on other people to give you the support you need so that you can have a breather and then be better able to support her. Have you looked into getting some respite? I understand that you feel your daughter might not cope with this type of change but perhaps small steps are whats needed here - even if it's just having someone stay with her while you go for a coffee or to see a movie. The post from @Viv also had some great advise about how she deals with her daughters illness.

[Rjb]

I understand divorcing the family to protect our daughter, my daughter hates one aunt and feels like the other doesn't understand mental illness. But her uncle is major source of support both in person and on the phone

[Viv]

Hiya,

I had the good fortune to be a part of an international forum on BPD. Because it was BPD specific, it was able to have a idea of the techniques and skills helpful to guide a carer out of the FOG. 

These skills and techniques are based on what our children have to come to grips with in order to be open to their own recovery.

Basically a forum of experienced carers (in my case parents) were able to guide newbies through coming to grips with their situation. For me it took over a year to begin to see more clearly. 

I acknowledge the love and kindness of those who have experienced such sad dilemmas in their lives and been able to show a light for me to find my way.

I expect these sills and techniques are universally relevant, but somehow it seems different when BPD is the mental illness.

One of my first steps forward was to be able to say to others, my daughter has a mental illness. Few people understood and understand, but it is about being open for me. It allows for the opportunity to remove some of the stigma associated with mental illness and especially BPD. It is also a good way to shut people up when they say 'she'll get over it!'

[3forme]

Hi concerned, you sound just like I did a few years ago, it brings back a lot of memories. My daughter was so unwell she wouldnt leave my side, even though she had been such a strong independant teenager before. I agree, it can make you feel suffocated, as she called me her "lifeboat".

Things gradually did get better for us, but it didn't happen quickly! In some ways, I had to learn to let go, which is counterintuitive when we are carers. I had to allow her some freedom, and allow myself some time off. I made a point of going for a walk everyday, which allowed her to have some time with others, a big achievement at the time. It is tough when they want to be with the one person all the time, but good when they learn that other people can help them also.

We look back and talk about that time  now that she is well. She says that she was frightened of her illness and needed security. She also recognises that her Mum needs her own life, but will be there for her if she needs it.

[Viv]

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@Concerned wrote:

Hi Sarah,

I'd love any advice on how to get some freedom back.  Because my daughter is suicidal, and has been for around six months, she sees me as her 'rock'.  She's not coping with anything, and I feel totally smothered. I hardly socialise or do anything on my own for fear that it will be too much for her and she will end it all.

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Hiya concerned,

A short answer from me is 'boundaries' or 'limits'.

A technique that can be so hard to learn and implement, but a truly liberating one. One short clue is to ask yourself is what you are doing enabling her to continue to with maladaptive behaviours or is it supporting her in accepting her situation... of course, your fear isn't helping you.

Not at all easy, I know!

[Former-Member]

Hi CherryBomb  - the fear of someone taking their life can be extremely traumatic and is a serious concern for many carers. It is espcially worrying if you do not feel that you are able to leave the person for fear of suicide. If the situation has got to that stage it indiacates that the person really needs to have professional help. It is not at all healthy if you are unable to leave the house or get support for yourself. If this is happening then it might require some active outreach to get help from a mental health professionals so that they are more stable and you are able to leave to get some support for yourself. You could also try calling a telephone support service such as the suicide call back service to get advise and support on the phone: 1300 659 467

[CherryBomb]

@Viv and @3forme 

Sounds like it was quite a rocky road at first, but ultimately seeking support, developing new insights and approaches helped you to help your loved one.

I like your point @3forme sometimes it takes learning to let go, which can feel counter intuitive. Particularly, when you are the person who is regarded as the 'life boat'! Learning how to provide support, but letting go at the same time is challenge for many.