Topic Tuesday / 24 March 7pm AEDT / Is life not going the direction you thought? A discussion about the loss a carer experiences

[Rjb]

I am wondering if our loved one qualifies for respite care anywhere, my daughter needs time away from me, and I need time away from her.
Does anyone know. She would run away if someone came to the home, so she would need care elsewhere

[3forme]

Hi concerned, for those of us who have cared for loved ones who have attempted or have feelings of suicide, it can be a terrifying time. We always played it safe when our daughter was unwell. Her clinicians gave us a lot of guidance as to where her risk was.

Our family became very open about suicide and our daughter had the confidence to tell us when she was feeling low. I guess we developed a "sense" or a "gut feeling" of where she was and I read a lot about warning signs, which gave me a little more confidence.

We still need a break though, even if we have fears for our loved ones. Maybe a trusted family member or friend can give you a break, even for an hour? I tried to do it all myself and became so exhausted that I was forced to take a break!

[CherryBomb]

Hey @Rjb 

You might find this previous Topic Tuesday, which was specifically on RESPITE useful. 

[Former-Member]

I'm wondering if anyone has had the opportunity to talk to a trusted person about how your hopes and dreams for yourself and your loved one have now changed?

@Untethered@Concerned@Rjb@Attahua@3forme 

It sounds like @Viv has had a really positive experience talking and learning from others carers.

[Viv]

---

@CherryBomb wrote:

@Viv and @3forme 

Sounds like it was quite a rocky road at first, but ultimately seeking support, developing new insights and approaches helped you to help your loved one.

I like your point @3forme sometimes it takes learning to let go, which can feel counter intuitive. Particularly, when you are the person who is regarded as the 'life boat'! Learning how to provide support, but letting go at the same time is challenge for many. 

---

A hard question I had to face was: am I doing this because I want to feel better or because it is helpful to my daughter.

With suicidality, it helps to have an emergency plan that your loved one agrees to - to prevent suicide attempts. This is a way of putting a boundary around such fearful situations... but it is also a way for giving your loved one control over a situation where they obviously feel a sense of powerlessness. Is this possible?

The difference between self harm and suicide is set out in the National Guidelines for theTreatment of BPD (? available online as a pdf).

[3forme]

Hi rjb, you could contact the Carer organisation in your state, they may be able to help you with options? Can your daughter's clinicians help you?

[Tatsinda]

Sorry I'm late to the discussion. What I would like to ask is, what are some practical ways of processing the grief that comes with life not going the way you thought t was? Raising kids with a depressed partner has been such a challenge and family life is so different to what I expected. I really feel sad about the reality vs the dream I had for myself and my kids. I also feel sad that my life has more challenges than a standard marriage, that I see many of my friends having. I don't know what to do with these feelings.

[Former-Member]

I have a great psycologist who has listened to me talk about various scenarios for some kind of satisying retirement together, so i'm v lucky there

[Tatsinda]

We didn't set our life up for one partner to be unwell most of the time. With hindsight, different choices would have been better. Eg we have too many pets to care for, and our kids are all close in age. We took on quite a lot, me thinking we could manage it together. I never thought it would all fall on my shoulders.

[Rjb]

I used my own learning experience of loss and grief post a brain injury , ie ACCEPTANCE, to get over the loss of hopes and dreams for my daughter.
But I am confident she will have a different life when her brain fully matures, if not, I will be here for her,