Lived Experience Forum

[Carlo]

I've been away from the Forum for a few months.

It all seemed to be going well.  I was taking time our to care for me and deal with my health issues on my own.

My partner appears to have BPD.  She doesn't want to get help.

I have been managing my various health issues.  Just before Christmas I got a scare and needed to get some tests.  My partner organised a busy schedule and kept piling activities on.

Last week I mentioned that my blood pressure was getting high and I was a little concerned (I was very concerned, but didn't want to spook her).  She showed no interest.

A few days ago, I brought it up again.  She blew up... it was my fault.. I'm not doing what I should... why didn't I tell her.  (I did tell her but she just ignored it)

Now she's not spoken to me for 3 days and locks herself away. When she does speak, she just yells at me and tells me I don't tell her everything.

We're going on a trip soon and I'm not sure how or if I'll cope.

Here we go again.

[espressologic]

Hi Carlo,

Glad you've found your way back to the forums to get some support, it sounds like it's been a tough couple of months.  

First up, it's good that you're taking steps to focus on your own health, even though that's been scary in itself. High blood pressure can be a serious issue - a friend of mine has had to seek treatment for it recently following some very stressful recent life events.  You've recognised that slowing down and dialling back on commitments is the right thing to do at the moment.  Stress within a relationship can make things worse as well.

It sounds like you feel you're on a bit of a merry-go-round in your relationship, and maybe feel a bit powerless about what to do next.  Where are things at with the upcoming trip?  Is this something that you'd ideally like to postpone or reconsider?  

[tyme]

Hey @Carlo ,

It sounds like this have been on edge a bit despite things having been okay for a while.

I can see you have been reflecting on things a lot but your partner is not ready to seek help. Does she see she’s got an issue, or is it that everything is your fault?

It’s tricky when people don’t see they have an issue, let alone reach out for help. Just as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

I have BPD so I recognise what BPD rages are like. Of course I’m not saying she’s got BPD as Ive got no authority to say so, however, I hope there’s a way forward and she’ll open up to hear things from your perspective. 

Please reach out if you need anything. We’re here for you.

[Carlo]

Thanks for the perspective @tyme 

As far as she's concerned, it's all my fault. And yes, there is rage (and lots of it).

I try to understand, but live in fear of the explosive reaction to any possible triggers.

Hope time heals again.

[tyme]

I'm not sure it's just time that will heal @Carlo 

Can you think of any active steps you can take or actions so that you can both set boundaries and protect yourself? 

Or even put it to your partner: Things don't seem to be working. What would you like to see change?

If she says you're the issue, then ask her how she wants you to make changes or what does she want you to do about it? Does she want you to step away and give her space? Does she want you to give her a hug? Does she want you to spend more time with her? 

Sorry, I'm not sure I'm making sense with where I'm going. Please note, I'm NOT saying you are to blame, but if that's what she is saying, then perhaps ask her for a solution for you?

[Carlo]

Thank you again @tyme 

YES, given that it keeps happening, maybe time will not heal it?

I have tried to take active steps to set boundaries and protect myself.  However, I fear that my partner doesn't want to set boundaries that limit her.

I do constantly ask "What would you like to see change?".  In the past, I received no response.  She got over it, and ignored it ever happened.

I have always accepted that something I do, say, or the way I behave, triggers her reaction and may bring up early childhood issues.  I have accepted the blame in full.  But that hasn't helped and makes me feel useless.

Thank you for your perspective.  It helps as I just keep recycling the same thoughts and fears in my mind.

[tyme]

I always thought 'time' would heal things, but I was wrong. Recovery needs to be an active process. I can see you are doing what you can. Sometimes, natural consequences are the best teachers and it can speak far louder than all the striving we do @Carlo . I wish you all the best. You deserve to be supported.

Do you know any support groups you can reach out to?

[Carlo]

Can you suggest any support groups @tyme

[tyme]

Heya @Carlo !

Things sound like they are hard... 

Have a look here https://www.bpdfoundation.org.au/carers.php

It depends on which state you are in in terms of supports. Also, do you mean for you or your partner?

[Carlo]

Thank you @tyme