05-12-2018 12:47 PM
How to wrap up 48 years of turmoil in my brain other than say, at 18 I would have been horrified to know that it is still with me at 48.
I was different from day 1. My family rejected me, the neighbours and their children rejected me, my peers rejected me, I was abused verbally and physically by my brother and belted by my dad for "looking guilty". I never felt like I had a place in this world and ran away from home alot before 10 yrs old, just to see if anyone cared enough to notice me gone. Yes, attention seeking behaviour, which extended into adult life and has thankfully decreased now, but happens in other ways - drama and confusion in how to process life. I have read 3/4 of every self help book since I was 18, been married twice, am just realising now along with anxiety and depression, I may have ADD and split personality. It was such a disappointment to hear the help in city I live in for ADD for adults is limited.
The therapy world has come a long way in these 30 years but I am yet to find my key to sanity. I have massive insecurity, struggled with massive jealousy through childhood and now in my adult relationships with partners and have lived through my parents bitter divorce at 11 and for the rest of my childhood, supporting myself since 16 and cheated on every person I have ever been with bar 1. I was abused by my step brother at 19 and was in the SLAA recovery group for 6 years. Did a terrible job at abstaining from relationships and sticking to the recovery work. I am brilliant at self sabotage and intellectualising my mind to the point that therapists think I am all over it. Well I am not. I am lucky I have a job where I am self managed and I will be honest and say I have been super lucky I havent been fired yet for lack of focus and work.
I am not scared of death, but with 3 children I don't seek it but this is all wearing a bit thin. Back to the Dr again tomorrow for more help - always hopeful the next 'therapist' is the key. Have been in blended families all my life but last 3 relationships have struggled to the point of a break down with having to deal with sharing a partner with an ex wife. Not matter how horrible or nice they are to me. Dont want to lose my current relationship and dont want my now adult children to see their mum still sdtruggling. Alot of trauma for everyone. I have summarised as much as I can but as you can imagine, there is more !
Thank you for listening and my question is - if I have tried almost everything, any ideas on what to try next that may help. I am desperate for some peace in my head.
05-12-2018 12:53 PM
Hi @WarriorPrinces, firstly thank you so much on opening up here on the forums and seeking some peer support. I must say this community is incredibly supportive, and really stands as a safe space to connect over narratives similar to your own.
You sound incredibly exhausted, you've been so proactive and self-aware for so long. You've been chasing the external and trying everything you possibly can to overcome complex trauma, trying to do an overhaul on your childhood patterns. Isn't it incredible how we can intellectualise our healing journey but not physiologically and emotionally adhere to the new pattern? I think you have everything you need inside of you to make these changes you yearn for. This community is here to listen and support along the way, .
How do you feel now that you have written this all out? Speak soon.
05-12-2018 01:00 PM
Thank you so much for your reply. One of today's other issues is searching to be heard and I felt heard when you replied. I have been able to articulate everything from very early on but as you say, struggling to physiologically and emotionally adhere to the new pattern and fit in the world as it is today. Social anxiety is real too.
I am always hopeful as I am today and I am so incredibly grateful for feedback and support.
Thank you so much. xo
07-12-2018 12:49 PM
Sounds like a long tough road. Sometimes joining a social thread like "Good MOrning" or the Friday Feast can help as you get to know people. Often it is good to just pop on to a thread. Take Care
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