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Casual Contributor

Borderline personality disorder

,y 21 yo daughter was diagnosed with bpd 3 yrs ago and also major depression but she had been suffering since I would say the age of 14. I am a th stage where I feel I enable her to be this way we cannot even have a conversation, if I ask for something to be done, yeah good luck with that... I don't want to live like this anymore. She is doing dialectical behaviour therapy but I really don't believe she does it properly just attends. She is under a psychiatrist but i don't get any support and they really want nothing to do wth me or how I feel she is doing. I have no family support they don't want to know about it. 

I am looking for suggestions on how to deal with her, if it's something she doesn't like she says "that is for making me suicidal"


Re: Borderline personality disorder

Hi @Allig a warm welcome to the Forums. 

I am sorry to hear how strained things are with you and your daughter. It can be frustrating when the treating team don't want to hear from family. Family so often have valuable insights and contributions to make on behalf of their loved one. Yet it can interfere with the treating teams objectivity in getting to know their own client, and confidentiality can get murky. Understandably this probably makes you want to tear your hair out, but if you can - try not to take personally, this approach with families is typical for any adult client, so doctors tend to be very cut-and-dry about it. 

We hosted a Topic Tuesday BPD last year, it was a very busy night. If you're interested, you can have a read through it here. Fellow member @BEN is caring for his wife with BPD. Likewise, @Amber1 is caring for her son with BPD. She has posted about her frustrations in dealing with him here. Feel free to jump in Ben or Amber1 with any suggestions you can offer Allig. 

@Alligsounds like you don't have much support out there in the 'real world', but I hope you can find it here. Again, welcome - you are among friends Smiley Happy

Re: Borderline personality disorder

Hi Allig

I know how you are feeling and how absolutely hopeless you feel. My son lives with me, he doesn't want to but gambled all his money during an impulsive episode last year and can't afford to rent etc. It sucks you dry....but I have completed a 3 month Helping Minds course for carers/relatives of BPD sufferers. It has saved my sanity, I have learnt how validation, radical acceptance is the most important skill for those living with BPD sons/daughters. He has blamed me for everything over the years, wish I'd had help 12 years ago! I don't try to have a convesation any more...I wait for him to initiate. I don't get much help either and that is hard sometimes. You think they are being selfish but they are so taken up by their shame, guilt for the things they have done along the way. He used alcohol for comfort but the DBT is teaching him to self soothe and this has improved our relationship dramatically. As angry as I get when he shouts at me, breaks things and self harms, I acknowledge his pain and say 'I know how much you are hurting' and 'how hard this must be for you' etc. I have hugged him too, which does calm him down. He is very depressed but is not taking any antidepressants at the moment. He'll experience several mood swings in a short period of time and this tires him out especially at work. I let him just go to bed with his cuppa, hot water bottle and TV (his soothing pack) when he gets home from work and the home is fairly peaceful these days. Hang in are definitley not alone!


Re: Borderline personality disorder

My daughter was at uni, doesn't have a job, if I ask her to do jobs around as I work 6 days a week very rarely do they get done. She leave her stuff everywhere, kitchen a mess (sometimes she cleans up) if anyone else asks for anything it's done. I'm tired, sick of being told I'm a shit ____ mother. I have asked her to leave as I believe her living here she will never be able to change and help herself.

Re: Borderline personality disorder

Yes they can switch on the charm for everyone else....very typical of my son too!!

Re: Borderline personality disorder

Your story is familiar to me. It is hard to work out a parent's role. Do we set boundaries which can be interpreted as pushing the offspring out of the nest, or do we provide a safe harbour to protect him/her from difficulties. Like you, I am feeling powerless and stress leaves me struggling to sleep as well as  work to support all 4 adults at home. In my experience,  practitioners who care professionally realise that holistic family/community support is critical to improving the client's life. Only once has a psychologist requested me come to discuss my help- possibly because so many relatives and friends are not able to manage such responsibilities . Lesson learned, nowadays I insist. This approach provides a potentially better environment  and broadens the discussion to an unofficial mediator. It might give the treating psychologist greater insight into their client as well. Hope it helps knowing that i share some of your feelings and that we can share some reasons why strategies may have worked, and some have not.

Re: Borderline personality disorder

I have rang and spoken to the hospital where she is undergoing DBT but she has told me they don't want to hear things from me..left me feeling lost and without any help. I am at the stage where I told her she needs to find somewhere else to live, she threw her phone, broke the frame of a tall mirror and left. It was 11 pm at night, i didn't say she had to go then but sort something out within the next few weeks. I rang her sister so she was aware and I got "great parenting" no support at all. I had a sense of relief that she had gone which is not the way I want to feel but I just can't cope with everything anymore she did come back on the Sunday but the attitude hasn't changed.. I have found a few books I am in the process of reading so I'll see if they give me some help. I'm counting down until I go on my holiday.

Re: Borderline personality disorder

Im struggling my 60yr mother has this Im sure of it.
She seams to fit every category perfectly and the narcissism disorder. And Ive reaserched so many personality disorders that I feel I have got it 100% right.
She has seen multiple therapist over the years but stops going when they start asking the hard stuff. She says they are just dumb and dont know what they are on about.she has even charmed a few so well they ask us all in so they can help us get better. Its a different one of us each time that she makes out has a mental health issue. So its impossible to get a diagnosis and she wont admit she has a problem it is always someone else.
My sister and I are at breaking point. Dad enables her every time and our brother just ignores her. Our other sister who has a diagnosis has cut her off for good her siblings have turned their backs and she has no friends of her own.
I feel so helpless because her GP devalued what I said refusing to listen to our fears because they were relationship based not a mental health issue.
Even when I told him that we are worried she would attempt to drug dad and both go to sleep together and not wake up. So I'm assuming that she has charmed her GP as well and I looked like a nurotic fool.
I feel now after 43 yrs together dad is now suffering a shared psychotic disorder as well because he says exactly what she says when with her but get him alone and away from her for a few days and he agrees with what we say and gives a further information on her behavior now we dont live at home.
Why do they make it so hard to make someone like this get help before one or both become a statistic.

Re: Borderline personality disorder

Hi @denial

What a tough situation to be in! It's really hard when a loved one doesn't feel like they need help or are unwilling to get it.

Unfortunately in these situations we can only manage what we can control - which is ourselves.

It's great that you're connecting here and looking for solutions and assistence - that's a great step (particularly as you're finding you're not getting any support from your GP)

@Amber1 - it sounds like the Helping Minds course was really helpful - can you tell us a bit about it?

It sounds like the course gave you some strategies that maybe this member can benefit from.

Re: Borderline personality disorder

Hi Allig
I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. My 14 yo daughter has just been newly diagnosed with emerging personality disorder but been treated for depression, severe anxiety & ptsd for 10 mths. They have recommended she start DBT but whether she complies is another story - she doesn't want help, she just wants to die. In the last fortnight I have heard the words I'm so suicidal right now. It's just so exhausting dealing with it all, constantly walking on egg shells & liaising with professionals supposed to help her. I find it hard to know how hard to push her or if it'll push her too far. I did put my foot down yesterday when she wanted me to let her dad know that she wasn't up to seeing him. I said she had to text him, that I cant keep doing it for her. Then all hell broke loose - it puts my anxiety through the roof, doors slamming, tears, yelling. I came close to giving in but I didn't, she ended up seeing dad cos she didn't send the text. Always happy for you to bounce ideas off, good luck lovely xoxo

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