Lived Experience Forum

[Princessmolly]

Hi all i just need to get something off my chest that i cant talk to anyone about. I am trying to get off an SSRI have done a very slow taper and here i am. In a terrible headspace again. I cant keep living like this. I cant keep taking meds that make me put on mountains of weight, ruin my libido and completley obliterate all motivation. The alternative is being snappy and constantly angry with my toddler and at work...and wanting to die. I cant win. I keep trying for my toddler though.
I am just so tired of this. I want a do over of my life and most of all i want to not wake up tomorrow but i know i will and life will still be a bleak hole.
So my choices are;
Continue meds...if i do this i am filing for divorce. Every drug i havd tried has had the side effect of making me asexual. My husband is just a housemate to me when i take them and i cant stand even sleeping in the same bed
Sray off meds...and continue being mentally unstable and suicidal and mess my toddler up for life
3 just give up completley
There seems ti be no hope

[Princessmolly]

My husband just buries his head in the sand and i cant tell my sister or aunt who are my two people i talk to most frequently because they will freak the hell out about me stopping them but im not me on them. Im no one. Turns out im no one off them too. My perfect sister is coming to stay next week and i want to vomit just thinking about her, and her skinny perfect body and her perfect sleeping happy child making me feel more inadequate than ever. Im the older sibling abd a complete mess and failure. She is always picking up the pieces for me, buying me things, buying my son things and i just never give anything back. Not because i dont want to but i dont know how to be s normal person

[Princessmolly]

Also how do i get a profile picture..

[Princessmolly]

I wish i had private cover i would admit myself somewhere but i dont and i am NOT going to go into my local unit because i am well known in town. I havd never had an inpatient admission

[Mosaic]

 Hi @Princessmolly thanks for posting 🙂

It sounds like you are feeling incredibly frustrated with life, and how things have panned out for you. Medication side effects can be undesirable, as I am sure many of our members would agree. It is your decision if you want to stay off the medication. It is not something that is forced upon people (with the exception of involuntary patients) – therefore you are entitled to your free choice. However, with this decision does mean considering alternative avenues of support for yourself. This will help you be there for your son, and be the best mum you can be for him - it sounds like your little boy is really your big reason to keep trying and keep fighting. I wonder - Do you have any of these alternative supports in place right now? For example – seeing a psychologist regularly, linking in with a peer-support group, prioritising lifestyle choices such as diet and exercise, sleep, engaging more purposefully with self-care and activities that nurture you as an individual etc. What are some of those things for you?

It sounds like you are feeling really hopeless, as though you’re running out of options. You do have options, but it can be hard to see that when you’re surrounded by the fog of depression. Please know as a community we are here for you right now. Also as I said yesterday, I really encourage you to contact these services if you need to:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Take care of yourself today 🙂

Mosaic. 

[Mosaic]

To upload a profile picture:

• Click on your profile name in the top right of the page, e.g. where it says “logged in as Princessmolly”

• Click on “My Settings”

• Click on “Profile Pictures”

• Choose from the options in the generic collection, or upload your own image.

Hope that makes sense 🙂

[Princessmolly]

@Mosaic no i have no supports in olace. I have tried 4 GPs in the last two years, 3 psychologists, a psychiatrist, a counsellor, 2 phone helplines, live chat and alternative therapies. I have always had suicidal idealation and depression but its gotten far worse in the last 3 years.
I di t get much time for me as most parents dont. I joined a gym and started out well but have only been going about once a week. I just go to various parks every day with my toddler to get out of my house. If im not with my toddler i am at work. I work shiftwork and my toddler wakes frequently i manage on a few broken hours of sleep a night and lots of coffee. I know when i am getting unwell because i cant sleep even when i am exhausted. I read an entire book last night and my toddler woke just as i was drifting off this morning.

[Princessmolly]

And i just told my husband of less than a year i want a divorce. Goodbye life as i know it. Hello self destruction and ruin.

[Appleblossom]

It does not have to be self destructive to get a divorce ... sometimes its protective ... you do what you have to do ... it sounded as if your self esteem was way low in the relationship

Take care @Princessmolly

[Princessmolly]

@Mosaic or any other moderater... can you please delete this thread for me. I am feeling so unwell and i dont think this is helping