Lived Experience Forum

[Doglover]

Thanks again so mucg for your support @Zoe7  and for putting up with all my unloading. I forget what I have and havent written and what Ive said to who as my brain is just a fog. Thanks re the typos too, it takes so long to go back and correct them because my curser just wont go where I tell it to on my phone. 

What sort of dog is Toby (if tha's not too identifying). I have a bitsa who I love dearly but feel sorry for her that she doesn't have the life she once had pre MI. There's a lot of things we used to do that included the dog that we don;t do anymore so her life is rather boring. I feel really bad about that.

Re my bros birthday, yes they definitely had my best interest at heart. I'm seeing the photots come throguh on instagram now so that's pretty heartbreaking. Texted my bro today and he said they had a really wonderful night which was good. Just so sad I couldnt be there. 

Thank you so much for your thoughts re hospital. I really hope the same things to Zoe, thank you. As much as Im not looking forward to it and its the last thing I want to be doing, I also just want to get it over and done with the the waiting just sux. And every day I wait I ruminate over all the worst case scenarios which really doesn;t help matters. 

Yesterday, last night and today my symptoms have been really bad so I'm not even sure at this stage if I'm going to be able to hold out for private hospital admission, which would really suck given how long I've waited so far. If it gets to the stage where I'm not sleeping then that's a bad sign for me.

My dog doesn't cuddle up with me - shes quite aloof. She likes to be in your general vicinity but hates affection which is a real shame. I'd love it if she would cuddle up like Toby does but shes just not like that. She does show her love in other ways though. 

That must have been so hard all those years you went through of not sleeping Zoe - what torture! What a difficult process that must have been to go through! That's a tough one with the recent change in meds too, less depression but sleep affected. I guess only time will tell whether the pay off is worth the affected sleep. My symptoms are starting to aaffect my sleep more, even with quite high doses of AP's for their sedative effect not the AP effect.  I am also still on the short term anti  anxiety meds which I take at night for their sedative effect but I'm not sure they are doing much anymore. I'm glad you are coping much better generally and hope the leep doesn;t become an issue for you. 

I see my pdoc tomorrow again. I have no idea what I'm going to say to him or what the outcome of the meeting is going to be. I just want off all these meds coz I honestly believe that they are screwing with me big time. They are spposed to be making me better but I don't believe they are. But how I get off these short term anti anxiety meds after 10 months I have no idea.

Anyway, I had better go. Thanks for listening again Zoe and for being such a winderful support, I so appreciate it.

Love and blessings, 

Doglover

[Zoe7]

Hey @Doglover You have most likely had your pdoc appointment by now so wondering how it went?

I can totally hear your distress right now and how difficult it is for you to hold out for private hospital to have a bed. If it gets to the stage wherem you simply cannot cope any longer then maybe you can go to the public hospital until a bed becomes available at the private one. I know how much you do not want to go public but your safety and wellbeing here is the most important. Not an easy decision to make especially when you have those fears around it all already.

It is nice that you get to see photos from your brother's birthday but it would be sad that you could not be there. At least he had a good time and that is what matters. You know yourself that you could not be there - that it would have been too much for you - and sometimes these things we simply have to put behind us and move on from them as you did what was best for you. It doesn't make you any less sad about it but more an acceptance that you did what you needed to do for yourself.

Toby is a Maltese Shih Tzu - he is all white and very fluffy. His vet calls him her scruffy little boy which is kinda cute - she loves him and he loves her so going to the vet is no drama for him. He is a little cutie - so loving and always seems to be smiling. When I first got him he was a real wriggler but with some training and a whole lot of love he grew out of that. He still wriggles around sometimes when I give him a trim but mostly he sits and lets me cut his hair - he doesn't like to get his back legs or bottom done though so I give him a chew bone when I do that and he lays down to chew that.

Not sleeping is like torture - very much understand that. I honestly do not know how I got through that period of my life but I did with a lot of help. There were people here that kept me company throughout the night on so many occasions and held me up when I didn't think I would make it through. 

Finished work for the day but have some work I need to do tonight as I didn't get around to it over the weekend. If I can get on top of it tonight then I won't have much more to do over the rest of the week. I have appointments after work tomorrow and Wednesday so will have limited time to do it then. I am usually pretty drained after psych and pdoc appointments also so that will affect what I can do afterwards.

Will be on and off here tonight but will look out for you to see how your day went. Hugs and hugs 

[Doglover]

Hi @Zoe7 ,

This is a reply to yesterdays post. 

Thank you for your lovely post and for all your support again. 

Yes I had my pdoc apptmt yestrday and frankly left feeling rly deflated. I feel like they've just thrown me in the too hard basket and that I'm just an annoyance to them now. Too hard to explain but that's how I left feeling. 

Yes I have though about going public if need be, the problem is I don;t really feel safe in the public one, I think  it would add to my anxiety, but it's there as an option. Also an option is getting my gp to do a generic referral to all private hospitals and you get the first bed that comes up at whatever hospital with whatever psychiatrist. My preference would be to go with the psych and hospital my pdoc has referred me to, but the other is always there as an option. 

Yes it wwould have been too much fr me to be at my bros bday. I would have cried every time someone asked me how I was and I would not want to do that to my brother. It sounds like he and the whole family had a lovely time. My sister in law is going to send me photos as well as a copy of the speeches 3 of his 4 kids made (the 4th is too young). I know it;'s going to be really emotional and I know I'm going to get upset reading them, but nonetheless I think it would be a shame not to have them. Your right, nothing takes away the sadness of not ebing part of it, but I have to console myself with the fact that I really couldn;t have gone and it couldpossibly put a dampener on things if I was there and was emotional and my bro and sil would have been worried about me ad looking out for me all the time and that wouldnt have been fair on them. 

Toby sounds like a cutie. Nice to have a dog that likes to cuddle up to you. I wish mine was like that. My girl has border collie colouring and markings but her coat isn;t as long. She looks like a border collie/kelpie/staffy cross - that's our best guess anyway!

I don't know how you made it through all those nights fo all those years without sleeping either Zoe - that would have been torture. Amaxzing that there were people here on the forum that walked with you through that and stayed up keeping you company in the night. That's really so,ething. It must have been absolute torture though. I know what it's like to not sleeep night after nght and it is torture, but I haven't been through it for that length of time!

Sorry I didn't get to be on here last night to chat when you were on, that would have been nice. 

I hope your appointment went well today. Was it pdoc or Psych today. Hope all is going well with you Zoe.

Thank so much for your love and support my friend, I really appreciate it. Hugs to you Zoe. xxx

[Zoe7]

Your dog sounds really cute too @Doglover My parents have 2 border collies and a kelpie and I can imagine a mix of both breeds would be lovely. Toby really is a snuggler and is always there when I need cuddles - wish yours was for you too - it would be so lovely for you to snuggle up to your girl and feel that extra love.

This waiting for you is insufferable - I understand your options are all difficult ones and really hope a bed in your hospital of choice comes up quickly. You really need this Hon 

Discussed my present sleeping (or lack of) with psych this afternoon. A lot of the 'normal' things that work for most don't work for me - some are triggering in themselves. ...but I see pdoc tomorrow so will discuss meds again and see what we can do. I am getting about 6 hours several nights a week but the other nights I am up several times - it is not ideal but I have got by on less so as long as I am still functioning and able to work I can cope.

I think it is lovely that your sil is going to give you a copy of the speeches and some more photos - it will make you a part of the evening even though you weren't physically there. We do need to be able to look after ourselves with things like this and your decision was solely based on how you would be if you went - that is self-care in itself @Doglover I am sure the last thing you wanted was to answer those questions so I think you made the right decision for yourself. It doesn't make it any easier that you had to miss the party because of it but you made an informed decision knowing where you were sitting at the time - and that is definitely self-care.

I do like chatting to you too when we can and think about you when you are not around - mostly hoping you are getting through as okay as you can. It is so hard being where you are presently but I hope the support you have on here helps in even a small way - it certainly has helped me in the past. Hugs Hon 

[Doglover]

Hi @Zoe7 

Sorry you havent had a reply from me. I am now in hospital - admitted yesterday. Will try and post a proper reply if I get the chance.

Take care ,

Doglover

[Zoe7]

Oh @Doglover no need to reply Hon 

I know you were worried you would not last until you could get a bed in the private hospital so I am not surprised you are in hospital. I am pleased you are getting help though - you have been doing it so tough lately and that takes its toll on us. I hope they are taking great care of you and helping you through this. Very much thinking of you Hon and sending you love and hugs 

[Doglover]

Hi @Zoe7 ,

Thanks so much for your very kind words. Fortunately a bed came up quickly, within a couple of days, in a pivate hospital so I am glad tat I am in private. It's still exceptionally difficult though and being my first time, it's taking a bit of getting used to and trying to settle in. I miss my husband more than words can say, I miss my dog so much too. 

I just hope that this stay has the desired outcome. As you know I have a number of concerns but I just have to try and put them aside and trust that this will all work out for the better, 

Thanks so much for your support Zoe.

Love and hugs and appreciation to you.

Doglover xxx

[Zoe7]

I am so glad you are in the private hospital and this process is underway for you @Doglover I know you have a lot of fears and worries about being in there but it is great that you got a bed so quickly. It will of course take a lot of adjusting - especially as you have never been in hospital for this before. Do not be afraid to ask questions of those caring for you so you are informed along the way. I really hope it is easier on you than you think it will be. I will certainly be here following your stay and sitting with you when you need. Half the battle is done Hon - you have a bed - now the rest will unfold as it does and your only job is to get through it - and hopefully find some relief from what has been an extremely difficult few weeks/months for you.

Hugs and hugs and hugs Hon - very much thinking of you 

[MDT]

Hey @Doglover
You are safe that's all that matters 🙂
We are here for you

[Doglover]

Hi @MDT ,

Thanks so much for ur very kind words Hams, I rly appreciate it. I just hope the stay has the desired outcome 

Thank u for ur care.

Doglover xx