Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

My husband and I both suffer depression, I have the added bonus of MTSD and panic attacks.

Winter is always a bad time for my husband and I knew he was getting down but wasn't sure how bad as I had been combating panic attacks at work.

Anyway he messaged me told me to give away his concert ticket so I did as he said he didn't want to go. To cut a long story short he is punishing me everyday for doing this going over and over it and getting angry and then crying. I know I shut off to him when I did this and I know I turned my back on him when I should have been there for him but I have been trying to make up for it and constantly sitting with him seeing how he is feeling and not spending anytime with anyone else but him.

Now he is going through my phone, the phone bill, messenger, facebook etc and checking up on who I am talking to etc and I feel like I can't do anything.

He has blamed me for how he is tells me I am cold and devious and then 2 hours later will tell me how much he admires me and that I am so good for him ?

He won't see anyone as he tried once before but blamed his mum and me making things worse for him by seeing a counsellor.

I am constantly on edge jumpy, I don't know how to cope, I am trying to cope with my issues and his and it's just getting so hard.

I know I did the wrong thing to him but I really am trying to make things right.

[HellonWheels]

This sounds like controlling behaviour.

[Shimmer]

Hi @SP23Bunny

It sounds like you and your husband are both really hurting at the moment, and it's having a big impact on your relationship.

I can hear how much you care about him and that you are doing your best to support him. Regarding the situation with the concert ticket, I don't see doing what he asked you to as turning your back on him - rather, you acted in good faith then apologised when he changed his mind.

Looking after someone else can be draining, especially when you are having a tough time yourself. Self-care is so important, first and foremost to look after yourself, and secondly so that you are replenished enough to help someone else. Are you doing anything nice for yourself at the moment?

I'm concerned about what you have described in terms of your husband blaming and punishing you, and becoming controlling. Sometimes when someone is experiencing a mental illness or another difficulty we have a tendency to give them more leeway, yet regardless of his depression his behaviour is not acceptable. It's clearly having a big effect on you, as you feel constantly on edge and jumpy.

I'm wondering if you have any support yourself through this situation? Are you linked in with a counsellor? Connecting with others is a really good idea. I'd encourage you to continue seeing your family and friends, not just your husband. Helplines such as WIRE (1300 134 130) and 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) can also offer support. I'm glad that you have reached out to the Forums to connect with us

Perhaps other Forums members who have experienced situations with aspects similar to yours may have some insights to share. @Faith-and-Hope, @Shaz51, or any other members, do you have any suggestions for @SP23Bunny around looking after yourself and setting boundaries while supporting someone with a mental illness?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shimmer

I have been giving him leeway with how he is feeling but he once told me that now that he has been diagnosed with depression it has opened the door for him to be the way he is and it is an excuse.
I haven't been doing anything for myself as he wants me to be with him all the time and I desparately need a break, i'm tired and stressed out and nervous and never sure of what his mood is going to be when I get up and when I get home from work.
I haven't been in contact with a counsellor as the last one I was seeing my husband rang them and had a go at them for diagnosing me with Aspergers.
I can't ring people as he also checks the phone records and then questions who I am ringing and why.
He has never been this bad before but I feel like I am losing my self and I don't know what to do.

[Letisha]

I know this sounds mean but the kindest thing you can do for him and yourself is pack ip and leave.
Your not responsible for how someone else feels.

[rach17]

Seems like he has similar traits to a psychopath- or have i been reading to many fiction novels?

[Former-Member]

@Letisha @rach17 @HellonWheels I think you all may very well be right. I thought maybe Borderline Personality Disorder with a spinkle of Sociopath. I don't know he hasn't been like this for 3 years and now all of a sudden it feels like he wants to control every aspect of my life right down to how shitty he can make me feel at work just by sending me a nasty text.

[Former-Member]

I feel that there is a lot more to your story than what you are telling us @Former-Member Would you care to elaborate? 

[Former-Member]

@Letisha I find people like you giving such advice without knowing the full stroy to be very harmful and damaging.