Lived Experience Forum

[Mace]

My last 4 years have been the most embarrassing, heart breaking and confusing time in my life, and I fail to see there is light at the end of the tunnel, 20yrs in the defence force I saw, did and was part of some very dangerous and traumatic experiences and the effects of this resulted in my hospitalization and diagnosis of PTSD and bi polar, I lost my career and more importantly my sanity. Heavily medicated for life, constantly in a state of scattered, depressive, anxious thoughts, short term memory loss, I jolt and shake in my sleep, can't handle being at social gatherings of more than 10 people, and somehow I'm trying to maintain a relationship and a stressful job as a project manager and trying to recover, the odds are against me as I fight these illnesses on two fronts, when I get really bad I appear to others as ditzy or forgetful which is still better than people knowing I'm insane, I'm so exhausted from having to juggle all this but I won't give up, but that doesn't mean I can cope or will ever find peace

[Former-Member]

 Hi  @Mace 

I'm just reading your post now. I think you need some extra support and to be able to talk to someone. I can relate to how you feel and your worries for the future.

Btw I don't see that you are insane by being forgetful or ditzy it really shows that you have a serious health problem and perhaps you need a break.

I was able to get help in a private clinic that specializes in group therapy and I had a complete break for 5 weeks and this did me wonders and slowly rebuilding my life and I think I will get there and so will you.

I think you need to take the pressure off yourself and realize you can't do everything and plus think about what you need atm and I think your health should be your 1st priority.

[Appleblossom]

Despite it all @Mace you have a position as project manager and dont want to give up.

I felt quite lonely at uni ... I made one friend helping her do her maths ... and she drove me around in her porsche ... it wasnt quite the type of friendhip I had hoped for .. I wanted more discussion about social issues ... but I felt overwhelmed by all the noise in the cafe ... and in end it was just a very few people .. I visited one in his lab at chemistry and one in her office at the subdeans ... my study was part-time .. so I was rushing off to work or family obligations ...

Thank God there are a few books coming out in praise of ... introverts!

[Mace]

Thank you for your responses to my post, I have never been on any forum before so I wasn't sure what to write, though I spend so much time working I feel alone, have very few friends, no family and no social life, I think it might help to express my feelings and hear those of others. During the times when I've been hospitalized I attended group sessions doing CBT etc but never really connected, I'd love to be able to take 6 months off just to work on myself but financial obligations make that impossible so I do what I can to manage and cope, but medication and trying to stay positive only goes so far

[Appleblossom]

Posting on the forum can be very helpful when you are time poor. You can read or post just as you wish.

In many way men have it tough and so often raised to repress thier feelings. So it is a good idea to write about intrusive thoughts, memories, or just day to day stuff.

regards Apple

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mace

Under the circumstances you are doing remarkably well. You are a true soldier to push through regardless how you are feeling and this is a good thing. Yes, never give up. But that doesn't mean you feel good right now and understandably so!! You are not insane having a good insight into your symptoms, ills, the causes and reality. The forgetfulness is anxiety/stress as your mind dwells on the traumas. It's most likely due to trauma. Quite a normal reaction.

My husband is a Vietnam Vet and we have both suffered PTSD. He had anger issues for awhile that we have both worked on and he has improved immensely. He also contracted cancer and other health issues from being doused with DDT and the like. He lost a lot of close friends in that war. But he is happier now and leading a productive life even though he still suffers physically and is restricted in what he can do. But what he does do he makes a great difference. It can get better.

Do you talk to a therapist or other trusted people about what you have gone through? (I know this can be difficult). Are you part of a face to face support group or is that too confronting for you? There can be some associated perceived guilt with such experiences that you have gone through that can cause untold distress for some veterans/ex-defence, some things we were never meant to see, experience or be placed in a position to be forced to do; - talk to someone if you can, even if just a little of what you have been through. Get it off your chest, let yourself grieve, cry and then let it go for good by looking forward, never back. And life will start again. Keep posting here if you are comfortable to do so - feel free to fully express yourself whenever you need to. It will help. You will eventually find your peace. Time is the great healer. We are here for you.

[Mace]

thankyou OverTheEdge for your kind words and advice, my father also served in Vietnam (conscripted) and came home with similar problems as your husband though as a child I never really understood why he was the way he was until I experienced combat myself but by then he had passed away. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be that same person I was before I joined or was during my career, I had to reinvent myself from the ground up and have come along way from where I was when I first became ill, but I still struggle to maintain control and when I relapse all the meds and mindfulness won't stop me from mentally spiraling out of control, I consider myself a man of reasonable intelligence and to become so unreasonable in my reactions to things, the anxiety, confusion and depression that comes with each relapse it feels as though I'll never break free of it. One of the greatest personal losses out of all this is my inability to do creative things like music and art, whether it's due to the meds I take or the way my brain has rewired itself I'm not sure but both these outlets are lost to me now and all my guitars now just gather dust, I keep things simple so I can cope , work , eat , sleep is all I do, after so many failed attempts at social events even going to the pub for dinner ending abruptly with me having a panic attack and us all going home upset I've boxed myself into a routine that is neither healthy or enjoyable for me or my partner until I can deal with the feelings that arise from those situations, I guess I'm using this forum as a bit of a sounding board for my thoughts and hope I'm not sounding to much like I'm feeling sorry for myself, I listened during therapy and group sessions, I take my meds, I've done so much research into my illnesses and into coping strategies and it's still a daily struggle to get by, things could be a hell of a lot worse, but they could also be a lot better.

[Kurra]

Sometimes @Mace it's about taking that first step to recover the music and art you currently believe is lost to you. A first step is to pick up one of those guitars, dust it off and pull the strings back to a tension for accurate tuning. Yes they will slip a bit to start with but it won't take long. Try to recapture one of the numbers that gave you joy and satisfaction in the past. Your fingers will complain bitterly as you start to build up those calluses agaiñ. Call a spade a spade but with just a little bit each day you'll soon stsrt to feel more confident. All that you were able to do in the past is still there. Just try to have the courage to let your muscle memory do the work for you. It will sound pretty rough abd ready for a short time but id you let your fingers do the talking you will be very surprised how quickly your agony becomes ecstasy. It's amazing how quickly this can happen.

I beg you to give it a go with an open mind and expectation of success. You might surprise yourself.

Hoping you will find many hours of satisfying and enjoyable music making in the near future. The pure magic of music can never be underestimated.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mace

I was just talking to my husband about you - I hope you don't mind. He said to tell you that no, you will never be the same again but you will learn to cope over time, and you will learn to live again - and will move on. In time - in your time. You will play that guitar again eventually - guaranteed, bit by bit you will start to feel enjoyment doing those creative activities you love - all in time. Keep that vision firm in your mind and look forward to it. You do have a better future in front of you.

In my own personal experience we are not the same once we have been traumatised. But we do reinvent ourselves and can be even stronger, more compassionate for it in the long run. So yes, our lives were robbed of us for awhile and nothing comes as natural and carefree anymore - but it's not the end of it. It just changes and life, although will throw out some curveballs - can still be full, loving and productive. You have the will - you will find a way to some peace. Hold onto hope.

Do you have a chance, the time, to smell the roses and work on yourself for a bit? I do think having a job to occupy your mind is a good thing (distraction helps anxiety/depression) - and that feeling of accomplishment is healing. But making some you time on the weekends or after work is important too.

Know that you have friends here @Mace that you can talk to about anything you need to express. It helps to get it out there and off your chest. We are here for you

[PeacefulWarrior]

Hi Mace

I hear ya brother I am ex ADF also mate, where abouts are you located? Just want to see if there is an ex-adf support group around for you to get in touch with thats all mate.

Hope to hear from you soon brother.