Lived Experience Forum

[oceanandearth]

OK so this is an absolute first for me. I'm professional in my mid 30s with a wife and 2 young kids. Life was fine, or so I thought, until my wife told me she didn't love me anymore about 3 weeks ago. It took a few days to sink in but when it did, wham, it hit me hard. I had never considered a life without my wife and family the way it was, I got a glimpse and it was scary. 

SInce then we have begun to work through our issues and have a path forward which is together, for now. Positive! However something has fundamentally changed in my head. For the first time in my life I have moments where I can't function. My brain freezes and a wave of sadness and despair overtakes me. Between those times I'm on a emotional roller coaster of highs and lows. For the first time in my life functioning day to day is difficult. 

I've pulled myself out of work as I can't concentrate and can't afford to make mistakes. I'm seeing someone from the employee assistance program weekly which is helping and I'm off to the GP this week to see what else I can do. 

My wife has had at times serious depression and anxiety over the years so I know the signs to look for and I see them all in myself right now. 

Over the years our social network has deteriorated, and I don't have anyone outside heath professionals i feel comfortable talking to about my situation, my feelings and our relationship. 

I'm just looking for new people to talk to about these things, bounce ideas off, provide some friendship and new persp Hoping there are some of you out there is similar positions who want the same. Cheers.

[MixedMan]

@oceanandearth I'm so sorry to hear this.
I've heard those words myself, that I am no longer loved. It really hurt and resulted in an end of the relationship. I cannot however relate to hearing those words and then trying to work on it together. I'm so glad your wife was open to that. Not all hope is lost, and I wish you all the very best at working towards a solution that suits all parties.

What I can relate more on, is the symptoms you are feeling. In my view, as a non professional is that we all have our own unique stories and journies that bring us to a similar destination. The same feeling, anxiety, fear, inability to concentrate and depression. It's great you've come here with an open mind.

What I've found helpful is exercise. Especially cardio, love getting on the bike either in a class or on the road, and also running. I once had a Psychiatrist say to me "If I could prescribe exercise, I would!" So if you are active or previously have been, it's proven exercise uses up cortisol, a stress chemical that gets to the brain, uses up excess adrenaline, in abundance adrenaline puts us in a higher state of alert physiologically. Exercise also decreased general stress, improves concentration and boost better sleep. It also reduced anxiety and the uneasy, fidgeting feeling. Speak to your GP if exercise is new for you, it's never too late to start. I have anxiety and panic disorder, and I swear it's better than any medication in my case. I sound a bit preachy after re-reading that, but I know it helps many. I also think it will help with the brain freezes and waves of sadness.

Also, a lot of people find meditation extremely helpful, for me personally it's not a good fit.

I don't know your relationship with your wife and I'm cautiously and apprehensively saying this, but consider "date nights", get a baby sitter and do something fun together. This is just the humble opinion of a nobody, but it may help relink what has fundamentally changed in your mind.

Another option is to also get social yourself again, call up an old friend, try to reconnect, you don't need to tell them about your feelings, just get outside of your own mind - it's amazing when you forget your troubles over a meal, coffee, drink or whatever is suitable for you.

I think I know those pangs you are getting when you are not sure you can even stand up, or open a door. It can be that hard.

I can't promise you it's going to be easy, but you not only have your relationship to work through. But also look after your own self. You are the most important person in your life, take lots of self care, and that doesn't have to be all positive and vibrant, if you need to chill. Stay in bed all day. If that's what it takes to recharge, maybe that's what self helps looks like?

I'm not sure what else to say, I just hope you can manage these symptoms as you know where they lead and you can get back to feeling your old self again, but be patient and just have faith. It may get worse before it gets better, but have faith, one day it will come to you. Peace.

[utopia]

@oceanandearth. Well done for being proactive with seeking help so quicky, not just for your marriage, buf more importantly for yourself, your emotions.
You have been dealt a hard blow hearing those words from your wife & even though you are both willing to work on your marriage, your brain has suffered a trauma & you need time for it to heal. Counseling and help from your gp is good.
I like @MixedMan suggestions regarding physical activity and getting out socially a bit more. Even walking can help if you're not used to exercise. Swimming is also great.
Call up an old friend. Have a chat about life inggeneral. Reminisce and have a laugh.
I wish you all the best