Lived Experience Forum

[Princessmolly]

I feel like no matter what i do or who i go to for help it falls in deaf ears. I take antidepressants. I have been to numerous councilors, 2 psychologists, a psychiatrist and a few GPs, a parent and baby unit etc for a week all in the past 2 years.
I want to be a good mum. I honestly hate mysekf and keep replaying my sons reactions over and over in my head. I have been sick for over a month ad had my son. I wabted 5 mins of peace and to shower alone. He screamed at the door the entire time. My husband did nothing to or distract him. I came out of the shower and screamed "GET A GRIP I WAS JUST IN THE SHOWER" at my toddler. He screamed louder like a frightened squeal and then started sobbing. I know he loves me. And just wants me all the time. I apologise to him and comforted hum but 3 days later im still crying over it. Im the most patient person and i can deal with a lot but when i snap its bad. And scares me. My husband is not helping the situaltion. He never steps up. My son is a huge mummies boy and hust wants me. My husband just gives up so easily. Everything is on me. I do everything for my son, still co sleep and work shift work. Im failung so badly and it breaks my heart. I was abused as a child by my mum and i swore i never would be like that. I dont hit like she did but i yell which is just as bad. What can i do? Im thinking of leaving my husband and giving him custody so he can fund a vetter mum for my son

[Appleblossom]

Kids do that .. sent me off me rocker too. So mostly I switched off my reactions but you cant do it all the time it is not actually healthy for you ar your child.  If husband/fathers allow that behaviour to continue without intervening then they are actually CONDONING that behaviour and the poor child thinks it is ok.. and mum's nerver are wrecked.

1) hubby did nothing to distract him ...hmmmm ...  he needs to attend a family therapist and learn how to work as a team with you.

2) I doubt he will actually ever find a better mother for his son. You love your son. You are honest about being human, which is more than a lot of people.

3) Step and blended families can have even more problems.When I was in the step family association they spoke about the ones that just hook up with new partners but dont dig deep to do the real parenting work ...

4) Some men stay little boys and dont ever grow up ... they need encouragement to became mature ... not sure if it is possible with yours ... some will some wont.

5) If you do leave ... dont relinquish your child completely ... with a proper break you will recover and your child needs you ...

6) I was raised and my sibs were raised in foster homes where they were supposed to be better people than my parents ... but they werent really .. they just had more resources.

Take care @Princessmolly

An occasional scream isnt the end of the world .. as a piano teacher and just a lady at the supermarket ... I have seen some horrors ... some women are habitual screamers .. you actually care.

I cared too ... and thought I was the pits ... now I realise that I screamed about 5 % of the average and that I had higher expectations of my self.

A family only works if the parents pull together ... being a single mum can be easier than needing to parent a grown man.  I know some people joke about the hubby being the extra child ... but how far they are from being mature is not a laughing matter.

I posted elsewhere about a young Asian couple where the man was loving his toddler BUT also teaching him limits and not to have bad behaviour .. some of our Aussie blokes ... a lot of them actually ... dont do that .. and it is their responsibility ...

[Former-Member]

When I out scream at them you're telling them you've lost control & the world becomes a scarey place for small children.

[utopia]

@Princessmolly. I remember screaming at my son. It was just after I was diagnosed depression and I had just left my husband. I really screamed at him. He was so frightened.When I saw his face and then his tears, I just crumpled on the floor.
The next day I phoned up a parenting group that was being run by the anglican church. so nervous about going, but I dididn't have to be. All different mums and toddlers. No judgements and a great facilitator. So glad I did that course. I stopped screaming and learnt to divert his attention.
Now my boy is 14 - I am starting to scream again. Power struggle and I'm failing. So I'm looking around for a parenting group for teenagers. Bit hard in country Victoria.
You don't mean to hurt or upset your child. You are frustrated. His dad should get off his back side and bloody help you. He's the dad.
Talk tovyour gp orvtherapist about parenting groups. They helped teach me a different way of speaking to my child and reacting to his tantrums. It was a life saver.
And don't forget a conversation with your husband. His children too. He has to parent them too. Good luck

[Appleblossom]

One thing I did after an event like that was to croauch or sit on the floor so I was at the same level as them and not too scary and say something to put it in perspective and apologise.

That can have the beneficial effect of modelling ... saying sorry when you do the wrong thing ... that grown ups do it and then get on with trying to be decent ...and explaining to child that you do have limits as a person.

It was not enough in my situation ... it gave my D1 too much power ... and she was not really frightened but became manipulative ... but it is worth a try ... I took mine to Family Therapy from about 2-12.  Not all the time .. but as needed and as advised.

Take care of you too ... family should be sanctuary for all members not a 24/7 slave camp.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Princessmolly

I know I screamed at my kids in frustration at times, and it would be a rant on occasion .... but you know what ? They all grew up without emotional scarring from that .... your son is vulnerable, but not fragile .... just both of you are trying to find your way, and here is a somewhat magical thing .... your son will be understanding that at a deeper level.

I have five kids, and the youngest is 18, so let me share a couple of tips ....

First of all, as soon as you have calmed down and the guilts have started, get down on your knees next to him, and apologise .... tell him you are sorry you screamed at him .... you just lost your temper for a moment but you are over it now. Tell you are sorry about scaring him, and tel him you are going to work on that ....

Then make a plan .... when you can feel yourself sliding up the scale towards explosion point, tell him you are going to start counting out loud .... from one to ten, as slowly as you can manage .... this will be the warning sign for him, for you, and for your husband .... whatever age your toddler is, he will begin to recognise the signal - and here's the magic part - he is old enough to make his own choices in reapinse to that ....

I think you will find he will start to rethink what he is doing, and pull back a bit, recognising a boundary.

Next ... parenting classes are not just for parents. It's learning for both of you and teaches the toddler how not to be such a demanding mummies boy .... toddlers are impatient because they don't know how to communicate and trust that their needs will be met .... all part of the classes.

Check em out ....

[PANDA]

Hi @Princessmolly,

First I wanted to acknowledge your courage in sharing your recent experience. I can hear how tirelessly you are working to be a loving mother to your son. It sounds like you are acutely aware that yelling at your son is not a strategy you want to use, but that you are unsure what else you could do in those moments when you feel overwhelmed, and unsupported.

We often talk with parents of babies and young children about noticing when frustration starts to build in the body, and then acknowledging it being present. From here taking some deep breaths or connecting with our environment through our senses can be a means of grounding ourselves. We can then return to caring for our children in ways that feel more in tune with how we want to parent.  It is vital throughout this process to ensure any babies or children are safe.  

Even though I can imagine it sometimes feels that linking in with professional supports is not doing anything, I want to reinforce the incredible bravery you are showing in taking action to address challenges you are experiencing. I can hear it is so important to you to mother lovingly to your son.

We know that recovery from perinatal depression and anxiety is speeded up by engaging with professional supports, so want to again reflect to you that connecting with this in itself is an act of love for yourself and your son.

The PANDA Helpline operates from 10am -5pm (AEST) on 1300 726 306, and supports parents, families and friends in the perinatal period. We would welcome your call @Princessmolly.

PANDA x