Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

Hi I'm new to Sane forums and it's been a while since I last used an online forum for help and advice (I usually use a Facebook group but seeing as my partner is also a member there, I feel I cannot say what's really on my mind). So here I am...

I am 37 years old and live with schizophrenia and depression. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2009 after being misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2006 (they simply asked me after a suicide attempt if I felt empty and my positive answer prompted the incorrect diagnosis). For ten years now I have been living with mental illness and after every year I feel like things are stunted and I am degenerating somewhat. I see friends and family members succeed, have children, graduate from studies and have meaningful employment and have great lives i general. Me, I live alone with a pet rat, I'm on the disability pension and have never managed to complete study because my illness always means I spend lengthy stays in hospital and miss too much class time and I fail. I lost my marriage in 2009 followed by my home and my job (I used to work for a government department and they asked me to resign once my diagnosis of schizophrenia was known, despite glowing performance appraisals). 

Lately I have felt stressed because my now girlfriend also lives with mental illness and has had recent surgery, causing her great physical and emotional pain. I also have a friend who has given me an ultimatim of "it's me or her". Now I have so few friends that I don't want to lose any. I also don't want to lose my girlfriend. This is causing me great stress as you can well imagine. I am also studying a Diploma of Mental Health and I am finding the coursework difficult to comprehend (I think it is part of the negative symptoms of the schiz, sometimes I find comprehension a little hard). This is also stressing me as I don't want to become unwell again to the point of hospitalisation (my last admission was the beginning of this year for 3 months). 

I was hoping to find others out there like me, and learn from successes and gain support (as well as offer it). I hope you don't mind me coming here. I saw the TV advertisement for the forums today and thought I'd give it a try.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Queenie

Welcome to the Forums! I'm Shimmer, one of the SANE moderators. I'm glad you've found us and have the opportunity to say what's on your mind. We have a wonderful supportive community here!

Thanks for sharing some of your story. It sounds like the last decade has been very challenging for you. You mentioned that seeing your friends and family members succeed is hard because you aren't where you want to be in your life right now due to mental illness. I'm curious, what would your meaningful life look like? I noticed in your other post that you are reading The Happiness Trap - ACT is a great approach to connect with your values and find direction in life. I'd love to hear what that would look like for you!

It sounds like your relationship and studies are stressful at the moment, I'm glad you've reached out for peer support during this time.

Take care,

Shimmer

[Queenie]

That's a good question @Shimmer as I was aske the same question when I was studying a Cert IV in mental health at Tafe. I guess I would think success would be regaining what I've lost to this illness. Having a good relationship, a place to call home and a rewarding and successful career. I certainly don't like the way it is at present, living in public housing and barely surviving on a disability pension. I just want to have the things I used to have, call me delusional...

[coffeegirl]

I don't think you're delusional at all @Queenie Having goals is really important! It looks like you're moving towards them, particularly with your study.

I was quite shocked to hear your friend gave you an ultimatum. Doesn't sound very 'friend' like. Is there a particular reason why your friend has done this?

[Queenie]

Hi @coffeegirl thanks for your reply 🙂

I support my friend a lot financially and my partner isn't happy with this as I am often left without money for myself to buy the basics (I go without to support my friend's food, meds, petrol etc). Lately I've been telling my friend I cannot afford to give her money and because of this, she has issued this ultimatim. I wish I knew what to do. In reality I know I've got to stop giving her money, but she guilt trips me into it every time saying she hasn't eaten in days and cannot afford her medications. 

It leaves me feeling very confused and hurt whatever I do. 😞

[Acacia]

Hi @Queenie

It sounds like a difficult situation with your friend. I tend to agree with @coffeegirl that her behaviour doesn’t sound very friend-like. It seems unfair that you’ve been supporting her financially because you care about her and yet you are left feeling guilty about not doing more. I guess there is often more to a story, such as why you might have become friends in the first place. It sounds like you value both her and your girlfriend. Have you been able to talk to your girlfriend about it?

I think there are definitely others here on the Forums who have similarities in their stories. @Aspro and @Mace have both had their lives change in big ways. Perhaps they can relate to parts of your story. And @GonePirate is also studying a cert iv in mental health.

Welcome @Queenie and I look forward to reading more of your posts

[Queenie]

@Acacia : I met my friend during my time at a hearing voices group and discovered we lived across the road from one another so we hung out a lot. Since then I've sort of been "adopted" into her family. However I have been supporting her as she is heavily in debt and often has no money for the basics every fortnight. 

Yesterday I gave her more money than I could afford, meaning I am struggling now. Today I am angered because she is going to the cinema tomorrow with her family and invited me. She is going on my money and I am angry because I am going without to buy her basics NOT to go out to the bloody cinema! 

I've talked to my girlfriend about it and she is angry about this new thing between my friend and I. Add to this my friend is now acting like she never said anything about an ultimatim. It's really annoying 😠 I wish I have the gall to confront my friend, but I don't like getting on the wrong side of anyone.

[Acacia]

Hi @Queenie

I've seen you posting elsewhere in the Forums, but just wondering how things are going with your friend these days?

[Queenie]

@Acacia : I've been avoiding my friend to be honest. I've got a good excuse though, I'm out of credit for my phone as the money I gave her, I'd normally spend on credit for my phone so I haven't been able to respond to her. I am still a little bit angry at her as now my internet has been cut off (I'm using my gf's) as I didn't budget well this fortnight (I really couldn't afford to give my friend money). I need my internet to complete my studies so I feel pretty annoyed at myself.

One day soon I will have to confront my friend about it her constantly harrassing me to loan money. I use the term 'loan' loosely because she never pays back any of the monies I give her. I've promised my gf I'm not giving her any more. If she is hungry and has no money for food, I'll direct her to Vinnies or the Salvation Army for assistance in the future.

Thanks Acacia for your reply 🙂