Lived Experience Forum

[Zinoviev]

Hey all. Hope you're all good today.

I've never had many friends. A few, but I always find it hard to make new friends. So I make an effort to hang on, and stay in touch.

I can't stand small talk. I'm not good at it. Maybe this is partly a guy thing: male friendships aren't really like those between women. Friendships between men are most often formed against a backdrop of common interests: for example work, cars or sport (playing it or following it). For me and a long-term mate, it's music. We used to send each other tapes; now it's USBs.

I'm not really a party person. I would rather just chat to one or two people for a couple of hours. Which I do but not often enough. I think I put people off.

My careers outplacement counsellor (see also my post about being managed out of a job) told me I come across as too intense. And that I should smile more. I find it hard to force that wort of thing. That was always the worst torture at school, smiling for the school photos.

This forum's good. I don't need to pretend to be what I'm not.

Z

[Uggbootdiva]

I hate small talk too. I can do it but feel stupid like an old granny or something. I think females make friends with common interests too. I think it's kind of an essential part of friendship. I hear you re. Coming across intense. It's usually because we can't do small talk and actually do want to know how someone is that we come across that way I think.
audio tapes were the best!

[PeppiPatty]

Kato, Hobbit, other amazing like minded individuals.....

I have written about my darling partner getting more and more emotionally unstable since he got some really good work where he goes away from me for a couple of weeks at a time. About three or four months I began noticing his well being was not looking strong and as he is 48 years old, I took a rather long distanced observation look on him, And saw he was struggling with his drinking, I had already asked him to move out his belongings and find his own accommodation which he had but he got into difficult situations. He's come back from his last week of work where he immediately got into bad behaviour and drinking lots of alcohol. He's quit it now and tried to come back to me but......though I love him Iv got to keep myself safe. He's sleeping back of his car..... It's like he's manic but no drink in his system. He' turns up at my door crying I have all these supposed personality disorders. I say to him, you've got to throw all these labels out the window. I don't know what they mean. And you shouldn't worry about it.

It's so sad. >Can anyone comment ?

[CherryBomb]

Hi @PeppiPatty,

It can be tough trying to find a balance and offering support while mantaining boundaries to stay safe. I thought I'd point out that there are similar discussions going on in the carer's forums with members @tigger84 and @Jacob101 on this thread, they're discussing some challenges of having partners who smoke synthetic cannabis. Though the substances differ, you may find that you can share experiences and offer each support and advice.

CB

[kristin]

Hey @Zinoviev 

Welcome to the forum!

Good for you staying in touch with friends. It can be extremely hard work, especially when you are really struggling with MI, but ultimately worth it I think - if you can manage it.

I don't think hating small talk is just a guy thing. I hate it too! Maybe it's an MI thing? What do others think @Alessandra1992 @kato @chemonro @Uggbootdiva @BatGuano ? We are too busy trying to survive to spend energy on inanities (polite or otherwise). It makes me feel like responding with profanities at times. 

I'm not a party person either, I used to be a bit when I was manic - definitely not when depressed. Not at all any more. I really struggle with large gatherings. I feel quite overwhelmed by them. I feel very uncomfortable trying to talk with more than 2 people at once, and for most of my life I've struggled when trying to speak with more than one (just for starters I never knew who to look at!).

Yet I can do public speaking in front of 100+ strangers. Hmmm a trained monkey response? (I did Toastmasters in my early 20s and debating in Yr 11 at school.) I haven't tried it for a few years, not since realising I have PTSD - so to be honest I don't actually know if I can still do this.

I also used to "put people off" with my intensity. So sorry to hear about work BTW, that's hellish. When what you are feeling inside is intense (especially if it's intensely painful) it is very understandable that one comes across as intense. "Smile though your heart is aching, Smile even though it's breaking"? I don't think this is good advice somehow, maybe Nat King Cole's song is about hiding depression? 

For me the more I've accepted my own intensity, and I have bipolar type 1 so when I'm manic I'm very intense, the less it's been an issue. I now know there are good reasons for it. If others don't like it; if they're close to me they know I don't mind them saying they're finding it too much, and if they aren't I try to minimise contact in those times. If they don't like it I can't help that.

Trying to be someone else for the sake of others' comfort levels only increases the discomfort of living in our own skin with an MI. Not a recipe for improved health I think. A very hard place to be. Good luck finding some fulfilling work where they can accept you for all of yourself, no doubt you have many gifts to offer too. You might find it interesting to check this out - not sure if it will ring a bell for you  http://www.hsperson.com/

I'm really glad you are feeling comfortable with the forum's openness & honesty. I can't imagine how hideous it would be if it had started off "pretending with the Jones's" about where we're at with MI, instead of frank integrity.

Take care.

Kind regards,

Kristin

[kato]

Hey zinoviev,
I used to be good in big groups a few years ago then I started struggling with the small talk stuff, unless it is a topic that interests me I tend to just kick back and nod when needed and just keep my mouth shut,
always a good idea if sometimes as in my case my thoughts were to just be aggressive and would be telling me to get the convo onto a topic I like....

I find it much easier sometimes in small group of 2 or 3 but even then I find myself questioning every look that is made if I'm not talking very frustrating at the moment lol

I cant stand being told to do something I don't feel lile doing like smiling for no reason lol I am a very serious and intense person at times usually when I am depressive when manic I am trying to get everyone to do what I want and get irritated when things don't go my way so I tend to do things on my own or with one other from the group

Thank you for your post mate
hope to hear more from you

[Uggbootdiva]

@kristin I read this thing about introverts, that said they are great at public speaking, it's the small talk after that they can't handle. So like for you - It's not about shyness, I think it's just taht like @kristin said, we are expending so much energy on living with our MI that we don't have any left to give a big group. And the issues we face are not "oh dear my car broke down today" they are really full on and our car breaking down could actually break us!

[Baboo]

This may sound silly but i tend to look for ( or just end up finding ) friends who chatter alot. Im a quiet reserved person who listens alot. This use to bother me when i over thought myself as a character " missing topic cues in social conversations" id try and forse myself to add in on what every one was talking about. But ive come to be happy with me having confortable silences...lol and finding people who babble on to listen to 🙂

[kenny66]

My 4 friends are schizophrenic-touretts-bipolar and autistic. I have other acquaintance's, some who might become friends but not yet. My MI friends stick with me and look out for me.

I am upfront always about my MI so there is no confusion. Most acquaintances seem to be ok with it. Those that arent, well so what.

All of the normal prejudices in life that apply to those who seem to be different are there. Thankfully with my schizophrenia I am rarely aware of adverse reactions to me from letting people know. I just accept everyone is cool with me. Perhaps I lack some life skills in that area but for me ignorance is bliss.

kenny

[kristin]

You could be right @Uggbootdiva . I guess I may or may not find out. I'm certainly not touting for public speaking engagements right at this moment! 

Sometimes "oh dear my car broke down" might be a relief compared to a 'usual' day. Or it might break our heart because the bank account is already broke, so we can't afford to fix the car!

On a more serious note - I surmise that MI is an obvious(?) sign of being broken-hearted(?). The challenge then becomes to discover and join up the fragments, finding ourselves in the process.

K