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Losing it.

I guess I just need some advice..

If anyone has read my previous post. My husband has recently (1 yr) ago been told hes got psychosis.

We have been together over 10 yrs now with a daughter who's 3. Over the course of our relationship hes had anxiety depression/ bipolar..

It's been a tough relationship to say the least. I still stood by him throughout his illness back then when he couldn't leave the house, couldn't work etc.. our relationship took its toll due to this. I stayed as I love him and hoped things would be better.

Now he went through psychosis a year ago. Even worse experience adding on. I'm stressed not knowing how much more I should try and take when my limitations run out. Yes refusing meds. Thinking no hes not got delusions.. We struggle to communicate and end up arguing.

He says things which make me crazy upset like let's take our 3 yr old for a brain scan accusing her of having a device on her. I try and explain how he needs help and he laughs in my face and it goes downhill from there.

I dont know what else to say do to save my marriage and to be honest if I want to keep trying to lose this battle. I just want to live a normal life relationship.. been doing this since I was 16 a d now I'm 26 I just don't know how to do this "psychosis " ontop of it all.

Will it ever get better? And would you tell me to keep trying or leave? I'm trying to think of my daughter's best interest and its hard to know what's the best thing to do.

11 REPLIES 11

Re: Losing it.

Hi @DeeElysia,

I'm going to mention @Loulou83 as she also has a partner with DD. I saw that you posted in her thread but using the '@' mention sign before their name will send them a notification.

It's not uncommon to feel tired and pushed to your limits. I doubt many (if any) people sign up to relationship, knowing that they will be caring for their loved one. Mental illness is extremely challenging too. It's hard to seperate the person from the illness, and some instances, it's hard to see the person at all. 

To answer your question, yes, things can get better. People can learn to manage by find the right combination of meds, talking therapy, and self-care strategies (e.g., becoming aware of triggers). But that's not to say that people won't become unwell again. 

It can help to know what your limits are, to decide on where that line in the sand is. This differs from person to person, and what is done once that line is crossed is very personal. For some, it means leaving the relationship, for others it means seeking respite for their loved one, and taking some time out (e.g., staying with friends. 

Do you have someone you can talk to about this? Don't forget to care about you too. It's can be easy to forget about caring for yourself when you're so busy caring for someone else. 

Some other people you may like to connect with are @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Darcy and @Determined. They are all people who care for their partners. They might have some words of wisdom for you. 

 

Re: Losing it.

Hi @DeeElysia

I am struggling with a husband in denial with what appears to be an OCD-driven eating disorder.  We still have three young adult children living at home, including one with physical and intellectual disabilities for whom I am the full-time carer.  

To say that my hubby is a handful is an understatement, but we have some respite in that his diet and exercise regimen takes him out of the house for a few hours a day, which he mostly spends in the company of his mother.  His behaviour is regressed, at times delusional, and emotionally aggressive, switching to being excessively generous and "bestowing" on us ..... 

As I have refused to enable his e.d. behaviours beyond what I have to to deuce emotional abuse towards myself and the kids, he has enmeshed himself with his mother who willingly accepts and enables these behaviours.

In short, it's a mess, and his eating disorder is masquerading as a healthy lifestyle change, having begun with a dramatic and necessary weight loss in the first year .... eight years ago now.

If I could leave him without encountering a firestorm, I would, and use that to insist on him seeking medical help.  As it is, he has complete control of our finances, and tracks us with mobile phones and cameras, inside and outside of the house ..... and I and the kids all believe he would do irreparable damage to our relationships / possessions / lifestyle etc if we were to leave .... so at the moment we have chosen to stay in the ever-present hope that either awareness will dawn on him (next stage in the e.d. cycle) or that he will suffer a health crisis that brings our plight to the surface.

So .... if you can leave, and use that as leverage to have him attend therapy, that is what I would advise.

Something we can forget as carers is that our own well-being is as important as anyone else who is caught up in the situation.

All the best with it ... here and happy to listen ....

💜🌷

F&H

Re: Losing it.

Hello @DeeElysia

To answer your question

, yes, things can get better. People can learn to manage by find the right combination of meds, talking therapy, and self-care strategies, My hubby has has depression , inherited depression and anxiety all his life , he has cancelled all support and help and he thinks he can do it alone with medication

Don't forget to care about you too,what do you do for self care -- I find doing little self care like having a cuppa outside under the trees or having a soak in epsom salts , or reading a magazine

How are you today @DeeElysia, we are here if you like to talk , I have found it helpful here on the sane forum

Re: Losing it.

Hi Dee. I lived for 15 years with a partner who has just been diagnosed with bipolar (although I think that is the tip of the iceberg). We have been apart for three years and I have to admit I wonder how I lasted for 15.

I know I spent those 15 years trying to help and "fix" him. The toll on me was massive and in hindsight I spent a lot of time focusing on him and his issues and I wish I had done many things differently...and yes I do wish I had left earlier.

However, no one can really tell you what is the best thing to do. It has to be your decision. Only you know exactly what you are going through and what happens in your home and how you feel.

The only advice I can give you is to look at your daughter every day and make decisions about what will ultimately benefit her. Do you have more control of her activities when he lives with you. Would you be comfortable with him having her if he lived separately to you. That was the question I constantly asked myself when my son was young.

I do believe that you will know if the time is right to leave him. If you do it because someone else tells you to you will have regrets and most likely go back - causing more instability for your daughter.

There are boundaries and measures you can put in place within your relationship that can remove some of the stresses. My partner was a compulsive liar and gambler. I separated our finances and never relied on him financially. Did I resent that - yes I did. Did it empower me financially. Yes it did. Look at the areas that cause the most grief and work out how you can put something in place to deal with it differently for the moment.

I hope it gets better for you. I remember exactly how it feels to be where you are at.

Sharon

Re: Losing it.

@DeeElysia

Just tagging you to the post from @Sharonm above .....

(@ symbol in front of a forum name sends a notification)

💐💕

Re: Losing it.

Oh thank you @Faith-and-Hope. I am new to this...thanks for teaching me the ropes :-)

Re: Losing it.

You're very welcome @Sharonm ..... forum friends taught me when I was new here .....

😊

Re: Losing it.

@Sharonm thank you for your advice...

Im Still very much confused. Trying to separate how I feel about him and the how it once was. Then realising the reality and that things have changed and how this effects me.

Because I'm unemployed and our home is under both names makes things even harder to leave. Car is also under his name and then I stay because I don't know where to start to get my life on track.

I honestly feel like I'm kicking him when hes down if I was to walk away. I don't think he would manage well on his own without us and I don't know if he will have any support? I sort of feel obligated to stay and "fix" him as you say. But I'm not doing a good job. In the meantime straining myself in the process.

I wish I could see clarity to know what direction to take .. our daughter adores him. And it's the same feeling on the other end. They are amazing together I feel sad to break this apart and he makes me feel guilty when I talk about how I'm struggling.
Says that I should think of our 3 yr old and work this out. Easy said then done, and I thought that was what I've been trying to do... 😔

Then my mind starts thinking about doing it on my own and eventually meeting someone else and I freak out as I'm so lost and broken. How could someone want me? Argh I don't know.. sometimes I feel as if I've given enough.. But then I think about all the plans we had.. one of which is to make our daughter a big sister. The guilt gets me there... and so does he. Saying don't you want her to have someone..? My heart wants it but I'm not sure if it will add more pressure.

Thank you for the support and sorry for the vent. 🌹

Re: Losing it.

Don't apologise at all @DeeElysia .... that is what the forums are here for .....

Your post sounds to a large degree as if it were written by me in my situation. If I left .... and it would mean my at-home adult children leaving with me ..... we would have a firestorm of vindictive fury to summount as soon as my hubby woke up to what was going on ..... but staying here is progressively sinking us all. There will be an outcome though ..... as we sink it will / is becoming more apparent to others around us, and my husband's e.d. is progressively altering his physical features too.

So we have chos n to stay on the sinking ship, knowing that we will land in life-rafts with support around us if it does go down, or we will be boarded and shored-up by support services and family and friends if it doesn't but is clearly on the brink of foundering.

My hubby's illness is OCD-driven apoarently and his control mechanisms that used to serve us before he became ill are now bonds of manipulation and captivity ..... financial control .... ownership of vehicles and property .... tracking phones ..., cameras installed interior and exterior of our home for "security purposes".

Regardless ..... we always have the option of walking out and seeking outside support, and I keep reminding my kids of that .... as insurmountable as these issues may appear, we are not actually trapped here, and we would survive the firestorm if that's the way we end up having to go ..... and what is happening is not okay, even though we choose to stay with this form of not okay .....

I am telling you all of this to try to help you find your courage and bear up ..... if it is too difficult to leave then there are ways to stay, albeit with a changed dynamic.

One of my primary coping methods is that I have disconnected emotionally from my hubby ..... he so little resembles the man I loved and married in the state he is in now that it wasn't too difficult, although I am greving the loss of the relationship, hoping that one day it can be restored.

My hubby has bonded emotionally with his mother in a dysfunctional wife-husband-like way, and she with him .... needless to say that she is unwell too ...., as if things weren't complicated enough under our own roof .... but that must be appearing increasingly strange to outsiders as well.

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