Lived Experience Forum

[Drac0]

Sorry I wasn't around if you needed to chat last night @BlueBay, my body just crashed on me yesterday & I slept until 3am. In a woman my age they would probably call it 'crashing fatigue' but haven't found out what they call it in men.

It's sad when we feel those that are supposed to be helping just don't seem to get it. Yes, we know they are 'only' memories. Yes, we know it's happened & we can't change it. What we want is ways to deal with them, to remove the control they have over us, our thought & actions. We don't want words, we want to be able to cope & survive.

This is a big reason I feel more comfortable talking with people who have been there. They understand how much power a memory or thought can have over us. That we aren't just 'sad', it runs much deeper than that. To someone who hasn't experienced it, even 'professionals', it's just words. They seem at times to lack the ability to see the emotion involved and how it can affect you.

Hopefully things go better with your psych. It sounds like ASCA want to help if they can, even if you don't feel up to discussing the memories. Give them a call if you can, sounds like it could be benificial even if they only give you general advice about coping.

Take care, stay safe.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Drac0

I know that what I remembered are 'only memories' but the fact is IT hurts, the memories hurt and I have become emotional and angry at myself with these memories. It is deep and painful. So for my therapist to say it's just memories from the past - it felt like a slap in the face. And that is not what i wanted from him.

I will call ASCA on Monday when I am on my own.

I have managed to get another appt to see this new psych tomorrow afternoon. After the memories came back the other night I phoned and they managed to put me in instead of waiting 2 weeks.  I am so glad, I need to tell him that I want to go back to the mental health unit where I was last June.  I need a break and i hope he listens and does something.

[BlueBay]

Today at my psychs appointment, I told him of my recent memories. He asked in detail what had happened. I started to tell him and was getting quite upset, talking but not really being in the room.  I was getting quite agitated.  He even wanted me to describe the guy on the train, to which I could very very clearly.  I cant believe how your mind can remember things like what this guy was wearing and to be so precise even after 30 years.

He then says to me - well i think you remembered these memories so you could get the new psych (which I saw only twice) to help you, support and care for you. You remembered because you planned to see this new psych.  WTF as if I would do that; i told him no it is true these memories.

He then said - well just forget these memories and move on with your life.???? I really don't get these psychs they are so different.

I will wait until next Tuesday to see my DBT therapist and we will talk about it.  She always has a different opinion to my psych and she is really caring.

I'm not sure if my psych said these things because he is a male??? I don't really know.

Tomorrow I am home from work (still not motivaated to go back) so i will definitely ring ASCA for help and see what they say.

[Drac0]

When someone, anyone, says 'just forget it and move on' I can get so angry. It's like they don't understand how it can take control of us, our thoughts and emotions. Part of the reason you're there is because they do just that. We would all love to just forget them & move on. Wouldn't it be great to remember only the good in the past. But we can't do that, they are side by side and if we forget one we will forget the other. Then we have no past, no present, no future. It's what makes us who we are.

It isn't the forgetting we really want, well me at least. It's removing the control they can have over us. Does that make sense?

Take care @BlueBay, enjoy tomorrow as some 'me time'. Hope the call to ASCA gives you some peace in some way.

[BlueBay]

You know @Drac0 it really gets me so damn angry with professionals that say the most unsensitive stupid comments.  How dare my psych just tell me to 'just forget it and move on'.  How would he like it if it was his daughter who was sexually abused as a child.  what would he tell her - just forget it and move on.  No I don't think so.

I can't stop thinking about his comments.  I know it was the past, it happened but I still need help with these memories, I just can't get up from the chair in his room and 'forget about what happened'.  It doesn't work like that, trauma doesn't end by doing what he says.

Yes you're right it is removing the control that it has over me;.  I have just an appt with my GP, he is very understanding and will listen to me.  And I am going to ring ASCA.

I have just been for a swim this morning, although it looks like now it is going to be a storm very soon.

So I will clean the house, go see the GP and do something nice this afternoon.  I don't know what yet, and I hope my negative thoughts don't take over.

And yes it would be really good to just remember the good history. But unfortuantely if someone was to ask me - tell me something positive I wouldn't be able to say anything; I always remember the negative first off. (does that make sense)

Take care @Drac0

[Drac0]

The morning swim sounds like it was good @BlueBay. Was thinking of heading for one later but after a terrible night (3 hours tossing & turning before I gave up) I don't know where I will find the energy or motivation to do anything today.

I really don't have a clue how to deal with professionals who say things like that. Probably part of the reason I've been avoiding them fo some time. I understand not being able to get to positive thoughts. I can usually get there now but still have to wade through the negatives first. They always seem to be at the front.

Hope the drs goes well & you get something from you're call to ASCA.

Try and find something just for you this afternoon. Pamper yourself a little a or go some place different where you can relax. Try and let everything go, even if just for a little while.

Take care.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Drac0

I did call ASCA this morning.  I was nervous but did speak to a lovely lady.  Actually this lady is the one that replied back to me via email last week. I did try to ring them yesterday but hung up twice in fear of talking.

I plucked up the courage this morning and I cried.  I told her how angry I am at my psych for saying what he did in yesterday's session.  She asked if he was trained in child sexual abuse and I said no.  So that says a lot.  We spoke about how our brain works and at the time when the abuses happened a part of my brain couldn't cope with the abuse so subconsciously put it away until I was an adult. (not sure if that makes sense!!)  I said to her how many more memories do i have to remember? and she replied that our brain works in funny ways, it stores memories and then releases them when we are stressed (maybe) but she said she doesn't know if there are anymore memories for me.

She gave me a number of a psychologist that deals with childhood abuse but unfortuantely she is too far away from me and I really don't know if i want to see another person becaause i know that i will have to talk about the whole trauma thing again and to be honest i don't know if i can go through it again.

So i was thinking that maybe i will talk with my DBT therapist next week and she what she says.  I will tell her about my psych's session yesterday.

I'm off the my GP now, feeling sick in the stomach.  I think it is all stress and trauma and depression and anxiety all on top of each other.  And the MIL issue as well, although that is pretty much out of our hands now, we will visit her tonight as we had to buy her a walker.

I'll be back on here later.  I really thank you so much for being here for me @Drac0.  

I hope you can find some peace and quiet for yourself today.  You sound like you're in a bit of a downer as well.  Just as well we have these forums to support each other.

Hope you can do something nice for yourself too today.  🙂

[BlueBay]

I have just come back from my GP.  He knew something was wrong as I had only seen him yesterday.  He asked how my psych session went and I told him.  We spoke about 'what next' and I said I feel stuck, lost and don't know what to do.

He suggested I write a letter to my psych explaining how I am feeling and what happened in yesterday's session.  So I will write the letter and my GP is happy to read it next Tuesday when I see him again.

He said for now hold tight, calm down and try to think this out rationally.  He knows I am very emotional and angry about yesterday.  But by putting it down on paper it will help me get rid of my anger and frustration and anxiety.

Let's hope this works. Off to write my letter.

[Drac0]

I'm glad things seem to be going a little better today @BlueBay.

Sounds like the call to ASCA went well. Pity they didn't have someone more qualified closer to you. But as you say it would have been extremely traumatic to go through everything again with someone new. I understand about the brain burying memories as part of coping mechanism. But when they do come up again, well you know how that feels. We can only hope there are no more or that they stay buried forever.

Your GP sounds quite understanding and that's great. Hopefully writing it out will help calm things down for you. Are you going to do anything for yourself this afternoon? Would be good if you could find some time to do something relaxing and calming for yourself.

For me, I managed to doze for a couple of hours so I don't feel quite so bad. Don't think I'll be doing much this afternoon, still no energy. Maybe just lay back & listen to some music for a while & try to relax a little more.

Take care.

[BlueBay]

Hi Drac0
I decided to go for a walk along this beautiful Boardwalk. Ends up at a cafe overlooking all the boats. So serene and beautiful. Just me and me alone. Didn't want to go but it look s lot of push from me to go. And I'm glad I did. My son is cooking dinner tonight so that's a bonus.!!
Glad you got to doze off for a few hours. Don't push yourself too much especially when no energy.
Take care. Chat soon.