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20-07-2016 01:43 PM
20-07-2016 01:43 PM
Sad so sad.
Hi, this is my first post and I don't know if there's anything that can be done to help me. I have been diagnosed with depression for thirty years. I'm in my fifties and I'm forever, sad. I had a very dysfunctional family and I have been trying to cope with life, my own children, whom I love so much, my husband, who stands by me. I have no true friends. Whenever I try, they always seem to move on. Gee! I seem to be making no sense but I feel if I just keep typing, then everything will come out. I've seem a councillor a couple of times and she blames my Mum for a lot of my issues. She was mean when I was growing up. It was normal to me, though. Getting belted seemed the norm. I'm one of eight kids and I don't see five of them, haven't for nearly thirty years. I don't know when it all started but my dad was accused of abuse of my younger sisters. I knew nothing. Some people say, you were young it wasn't your fault but I feel I should have seen something. They said your mum must have known but I don't know. Anyway, I said to one sister that we will go to the police, she said no, so that made me doubt. I stopped seeing my dad for three years. Mum left him but went back, my kids kept asking where he was, so I went back. I was close to my Dad but he never abused me or showed any signs of it. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour and I was there for all the treatment, back and forward to the hospital for treatment and his operation, which took its toll on us. He lasted another year after the op. The cancer came back and he passed away. Two brothers and one sister came to the funeral. One hasn't talked to me since because there was no money for him. We aren't rich, so I don't know what he expected. Anyway, I see one brother occasionally and my sister who lived two hours away has just moved to NSW. We put my Mum in a nursing home because she had a heart condition. She lived with us for seven years after Dad died. I had to have a back op so I couldn't look after her. I've felt so guilty putting her in there because she isn't disabled or unable to do things, she is just dependent on people, especially me. My sister and brother don't go to see her and I bring her home for the day, once a fortnight. She loves coming out to see her dog and cat, which I inherited when she went in. I went to the nursing home one day and they said your Mum has packed and says she's going home to live with you permanently. I was shocked but thought, she lived with us before, I can do it. After a week, I broke down, couldn't cope and asked her to go back. I felt a failure. So much had changed since she was with us before. She needed so much medication that I was overwhelmed. I had to face the staff at the home and looked and felt so defeated. They told me not to worry but I felt so sad. I look at oldies down the street and cry. I wanted to be happy with my Mum. She started to call me darling, which I hated because I was never her darling. She calls the nurses darling, in the home. I told her not to call me that and she apologised. I've tried joining different clubs but once they start to ask personal questions, I well up and can't cope. I've left work because I couldn't cope and thought I'd better get out of my job before I stuff up. I left feeling sad. I'm now sitting typing, while my poor husband has to put up with my moods. He doesn't help the cause though. He's too nice. He just says if you want to or whatever suits honey. It drives me insane. When I go off, it's a one sided argument. He has been with me for forty years. Probably too scared to leave. Lol. I ask him to do something though and he puts it off. I end up doing it. Oh, I don't know what's happening, maybe I should finish now and come back tomorrow and pick up where I left off. If anyone is reading this, thank you for your time. I really wish people would listen to us face to face, not to judge but just hear us out.tears are welling up again, so, I will go and try to cheer myself up again. A daily ritual. One day, I don't think I'll be able to but until then, I'll try.
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20-07-2016 03:08 PM
20-07-2016 03:08 PM
Re: Sad so sad.
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20-07-2016 03:43 PM - edited 25-07-2016 01:04 PM
20-07-2016 03:43 PM - edited 25-07-2016 01:04 PM
Re: Sad so sad.
Hi @Jeejee I'm glad that you found Sane and are able to write down your feelings. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so alone and I hope that it helps you to chat on here. Please feel free to chat on here anytime about anything.
Ive only joined in on here last week and I have found that people on here are very caring and understanding and wont judge you. We all have a story.
By the sounds of it your upbringing has been quite traumatic and its no wonder you are struggling with depression. It would be so good for you if you were able to find a good counsellor to help you deal with all the things you mentioned. Its not easy finding the right person to talk to and one that can actually help. Is there anyone that could recommend someone that could help you? I hope you feel comfortable chatting on here anytime.
It must be hard for you, not really knowing the truth about your father, but there was nothing that you could have done anyway.
I understand about the guilt of you not being able to care for your mother. If you feel that you cant cope with caring for her, thats ok, try to forgive yourself.
I wish I could do something to help you feel better. But all I can do is be here to chat.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
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20-07-2016 04:40 PM
20-07-2016 04:40 PM
Re: Sad so sad.
Thanks for your thoughts on my problems. I was pleased to hear from some people so quickly. I'll find my way I guess. I always do.
I'm the eldest daughter, I have an older brother, we haven't talked since my Dads funeral. He hasn't kept in touch with my Mum either. What a great family! We came out from Britain in the late 60's. it was hard not having Aunties or Uncles to visit or keep in touch with. I guess I had to grow up quickly because six kids came over and another two girls were born here. I helped look after them. Leaving school at fifteen, I worked and handed all my pay over to care for the family. I was given $5 a week from my pay. My older brother was the same. We were told we had to help the family out. One week my brother went to a party and never had any money to give, I watched as my Mum belted him in the corner. It was just accepted, why? I have no answer. I guess if we spoke up, we would cop it too. I had a day off work and went for a drive with my boyfriend(now my husband) mum found out and I was belted around the head and told never to see him again. I talked my way out of it by saying I'd do more around the house, which I did. I had to have the house spotless before I could go anywhere. I know all this seems like I'm whinging but I feel that's why I've always been so reserved and found it hard to mix with people. When my younger siblings were older, I told them to never tell Mum how much money they had. Otherwise she'd want it. She mellowed over the years, once my children came along. I have four. She was like a different person towards them, so our lives were going along well until one of my sisters ran away and when she was caught the allegations against my Dad were made. It all turned bad again from there. I stood by my sisters, then because my Mum and I went back to seeing my Dad, my sisters wanted nothing to do with us. My brothers haven't talked to me for over twenty eight years. They just got on with their lives and have never got in touch. So sad to think of all that's happened. When I look back I get so down. As I said before, I have no friends to talk to and this is now going to be my escape. I'm going to write down all that comes to me. I don't want to write a diary or journal, I don't want my children to find it. I don't want them to see how depressed I really am. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if I wasn't here but my grand children keep me sane.
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20-07-2016 05:24 PM
20-07-2016 05:24 PM
Re: Sad so sad.
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20-07-2016 05:27 PM
20-07-2016 05:27 PM
Re: Sad so sad.
Hi @Jeejee
Welcome to the Forums. I'm so sorry to read what you have been through. No one deserves that.
This community is certainly a great place to 'get it all out' and be supported and heard by others. I think using this as a place to write about what happened is a great idea, if it's useful. I just want to flag that within this community we ask that members don't go into specific/graphic detail about abuse, only because it can trigger others. You can read more about it in our Community Guidelines.
If you ever want to reach out to additional support, BlueKnot Foundation could be a good start! SANE Australia's helpline might also be helpful for more referrals: 180018 7263.
I hope to continue to 'see' you around the forums and that you find this community helpful 🙂
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20-07-2016 05:36 PM
20-07-2016 05:36 PM
Re: Sad so sad.
Sorry NikNik, I guess when writing, I just kept going. I'm sure now that I've spoken out that I'll feel better for a while.
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20-07-2016 05:48 PM
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20-07-2016 06:20 PM - edited 25-07-2016 01:05 PM
20-07-2016 06:20 PM - edited 25-07-2016 01:05 PM
Re: Sad so sad.
Hi @Jeejee. I'm so sorry that you went through all that. You didn't deserve that sort of treatment, no one does. 💜
I'm on here every day lately if you feel like chatting. 💗
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20-07-2016 07:38 PM
20-07-2016 07:38 PM
Re: Sad so sad.
When I'm not talking with my therapist I try to go for walks, housework, knitting, reading, relaxation & mindfulness exercises. I try to focus on doing things I enjoy.
What do you do @Jeejee to feel good? You said you have grandkids - how many? What do you enjoy doing with them? Do you do any art or craft? Do you have a green thumb and a beautiful garden? Do you have music that youenjoy? Music that moves the soul or moves your feet?