Lived Experience Forum

[Inga]

Hello to all... If nothing else, this is to get 'it out'........

I am a soft, kind gentle being, but have had nothing but emptiness, abuse rejection.. No friends/family. ..  Love is something I now feel I will now never have from a partner.. My heart aches..

Feelings.  I open my arms to the universe.  Who do I talk to? To vocalize…. No-one..-let it be you..

WHY!!!

What is there -  What do I do..

Solitary animals –NO - we are not.. 

Scared –YES – I: afraid to look, to try….so many hurts..  Able to seek?

Life limited-anxiety depletes- I acceptable?-self-doubt rages..

Weakened health-rejection.

Affluent?-no… Rejection..  

To feel the loving…

Knowing it will never be..

Heart beaks-tears engulf..

Empty.. past, present, future..

Heart yearning… contact-my partner - We are..

I-gentle, loving, thoughtful..

Sensual, timid, exuberant..

So much love-I have to give..

Deserving to love and be loved..

Feeling/joy of each other - so sweetly..

Touch and be touched..  Stroking of skin- soft, smooth..

Joy of togetherness.. Hearts lift-too be..

Eyes locked-smiling-arms embraced... scent of each other..

Lips throbbing, whisper touch-kissing..

Slow dancing-swaying to the music..

Holding, feel-at mutual peace....

Heat rising, loins throbbing –wondrous, wrapped in each other.

Being lost in the other -heart beating, racing…

Heart to heart... electric… passion… entwined…

Merging -being one-we are..

Cuddling-listen to the music –

Quiet- content- each a comforting presence…

Laughing-days of peace-eat-quiet pace…

Wander-smile, happy-gently touching-soft kisses-lifted hearts..

Is it really all, only an unfulfilled dream-never to be realized…..

To never have been loved-to never know love..

Me-unacceptable-rejected.. Illness isolating/diminishing..

Tears, sobbing-my body racked..

All alone.. Just me, myself and I..

In the world but not part of it..

Now damaged by medication - more rejection..

.. So tired.. So very tired..

Agoraphobia burdening.. Fear of all..

Aged, but young..  Beauty still, but never to attract..

Yearnings never to realized..

WHY!!!!

[utopia]

Wow @Inga. The way you expressed that was very powerful. I found it moving. You write with your heart. I see that.
I'm sorry to hear how lonely you are. There are a lot of us on this site who feel or have felt that pain.
It's a bit quiet here tonight, but hopefully others will be on this site later. Always a bit quiet on weekends.
Do you want to chat? I'll be on here for about an hour.

[pip]

Hi Inga. What a lost, lonely soul you are. It makes my problems seem nothing when I read your heart-felt plea for someone in your life. You are searching (as we all are) for the perfect 'soul-mate'. Did you ever have a partner or have you never been 'in love?' I have a bf, but he's interstate. I did have one night with him, but that was 3 months ago, that's all I have now, memories. Perhaps you're similar to me in that, when you love, you really 'love' and that scares the men. Basically men are just grown-up boys who still want to 'play with their mates'. I know I 'yearn' for my bf, whether we'll even reconnect, who knows. I'm hopeful, but in the meantime, life continues. I think he wants to be with me too, but whatever happens, happens. I know too well the loneliness you experience, I think you need to just connect with people rather than try to find the 'perfect' partner. Having agoraphobia makes going out harder. The fear that rises in you just getting past the door, means it's easier to stay home. I have a friend with agoraphobia, he used to have the same problems you probably experience. he was given a dog that he had to walk. One day he was out with his dog, the fear he was experiencing was suddenly overshadowed, when a group of youngsters suddenly started asking him about his dog. The questions they asked him meant he had to concentrate on them. By the time he got home he was far better emotionally. He was out over half an hour longer than the original plan. You may not be a dog-lover, but the point I'm trying to make is, try to concentrate on people, places, when you do go out, rather than home, and safe. Try a walk in your local park, somewhere where you are safe. Even if it's only 5 minutes to start, build up gradually.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Inga

First let me say that you are not alone here - people care here. Loneliness is a curse - sending warm hugs. But it doesn't have to be like that for always.

Yes, I have a loving partner but have felt as you do - lost, empty, abandoned (and I had been) and alone. But I found in that time that looking for someone to bring me happiness and light wasn't the way. I needed to find me first - find what really mattered to me and started to grow within as a "whole person" first. As you "are not a non -person" - but a unique individual with much to offer - finding her and believing in her will liberate you.  

I stepped out of my fears at that stage of my life and mixed, joined groups, hobbies etc. If I listened to my anxiety and depression I would of reclused. So I pushed myself to try new things, meet new people without any expectation of finding love but in just being me, the best I could be, the most loving I could be. And hopefully to enjoy some of those new experiences - which I ended up doing. Always getting to know others first before I gave my trust. It's was amazing how I would meet others who felt exactly the same and was ina similar situation - so I wasn't alone by a long shot and this lifted me and helped to make new acquaintances where some became friends. It was an enriching experience.

Then the rest followed. And I met my husband at the time when I stopped trying and just wanted to meet genuine friends. Don't look too hard - just go out and be the unique loving person who "is you". The best you. Be natural, be giving without seeking anything in return and the right people will come to you.

Do you work? Are you in a position to do volunteer work that means a lot to you? Even if it's just a few hours a week if health issues restrict. This will help you build your own self esteem and feel more whole within. No one can give this to you.  Keep posting - you are not alone

[Margherita]

• Great job of getting it out there, so articulate, hopefully the universe is listening. Not sure what I'm allow to say - haven't read the rules yet. On line dating chat rooms helped me with a little with loneliness, I could talk to guys without anxiety. 

[Margherita]

Great job of getting it out there, so articulate, hopefully the universe is listening. Not sure what I'm allow to say - haven't read the rules yet. On line dating chat rooms helped me with a little with loneliness, I could talk to guys without anxiety. 

[Inga]

Namaste … 🙂    ..

Do you mind if I write some history.   I really need to get it out..

I was doing volunteer work until a medication damaged me.. That was 2 yrs ago..

For 4 x yrs I was working as an admin assistant (twice a week) at front office desk at RSL retirement home.. I was very busy-much to do.  Getting there was awful-fighting the agoraphobia-bad nausea/shaking.  Once I was there, I was ok.. busy/conversations with various peoples/feeling helpful-accomplishment-satisfaction..  Never made a friend.. I am ‘different’.. Do not drink, swear, smoke, eat junk food nor gamble.. AND I have a problem… stigma..

Before that-other volunteer work and prior attended TAFE for 4 x yrs..

I worked out with weights/bar (squats/bench etc) 3 x times a week.. I have my gym at home…walked to shops.. always talk to the sales staff.. I have lived here 30 yrs..  

The med ( we are not allowed to mention names of medications) was to use as a temporary measure while I washed the sedatives (for sleep) out of my system for awhile, then back to the sedatives..  I have done this 3 x times previously..  I would bridge the regular med & sedatives with the other. This would be a four week episode.. I would lose the little bit of water retention I put on, and be –for me- ok….

This last time- I immediately developed panic attacks/Alzheimer’s type behaviour and massive water retention.  Went from size 6-8 to 12-14.. I knew from past times, that I would be ‘myself’ once I quit the temporary one.  NOT SO.. I literally overnight became VERY weak. Chronic fatigue hit me-still suffering..Still mindless. After the two yrs I have lost 2/3 rd of the water..  Waist-please come back.. My clothes await you..  🙂   ..

A frightened sensitive abused (by my mother) child.. A mentally absent father. Afraid of school.. No friends-to scared.. Met 1st husband at 17 yrs.. Someone actually looked at ME… not just trying to bed me-I never let them.. I attracted men where ever I went-still do..…. married –big mistake.. I was desperate to be loved.. Pregnant 3 x months later..  Very ill-largely bed bound..  Husband not work.  No food/ignored/not wanted..  14 yrs of never knowing if I was going to eat or have a roof over my head.. Had ‘breakdown’ when daughter was 11 yrs old… so did she (poor baby).. She is like me but not as bad… we are both on disability pensions.

I had always had my refuge in sleep.. was always asleep by 8.30 pm unless a reason to stay up.. one day stopped sleeping.. hospital psych said I as having a breakdown.  My husband loathes sick people.. Placed on an original old med- finally sleeping.. not till midnight, but at least sleeping..  feeling fairly normal again.. (for me)..

Then husband left.  .. I collapsed.. friends from church group (Jeh Witness) took me to hospital.  I was FORCED to take a different med instead of increasing the old med..  that stopped me from ever sleeping naturally again…. Put on some water retention but not gross..  my 2nd husband moved to my congregation.  After divorce we married..  Day of marriage-abuse started.. was placed on a new med and sedatives to sleep.. went back to my size 6… I ‘woke’ up after 12 yrs and left…  I felt ‘FREE’..  I was 47yrs and looked 20 yrs old..  my ‘friends’ stopped associating with me…

For the past 16 yrs I have met damaged men.. Screwed by the ‘bleep bleep bleep’ ex-wife… Widowers- become close to me and run. I know the psychology-they are afraid of going thru the grief again if I should die.. The men who only want a financially independent woman as they are not going to be someone’s ATM.. SO-I never met a partner..  I found it easy to talk to men.. On dates I can cover many subjects.  I am intelligent, articulate and read much-socially aware-deplore man’s inhumanity to man. .Loving, gentle-not smothering…I do not engage in sex easily.  I have to ‘know’ him..   have been told I am beautiful on the inside, not just the outside..  If the man was really interested in ME, then he waited till I was ready.. No relationship lasted due to their gremlins.. Only six men met in the 16 yrs.  I met them online-RSVP.. Women never liked me.. They did not like a single me round their partners/husbands..

  Now I will never have a friend nor partner…The substitute/temporary med left me unable to awake till 12 noon… left me chronically fatigued..  psych doc gave me something that sometimes helps (an amino acid that has been altered to cross the brain barrier)    I started working out and walking beginning of July.. ATM it has stopped working, though last night I was able to do a workout-YEAH!!  .... have accomplished 7 x workouts this month.. YEAH!!  I was squatting 40 kg x 25 reps before that old med dropped me…I have increased meds and will take the amino acid again tomorrow.  I will try a ¼ dose.. Full dose stops me from sleeping for 5 x days and have to take double sedatives and not sleep till early morning..  

7 x yrs ago I started researching medications and supplements ... I know much more than Gp’s and my psych tries some things I have tried on his other clients….He does a phone consult once a month  as I am now unable to get to his place…

Please- I want to pick up to where I was two yrs ago..  to feel stronger-more in control.. I am so thankful that I have a lovely new public housing unit.. I moved into it when it was built 7 x yrs ago.  I am not abused.  I have money for food and to keep my car on the road.  I live simply… when I come home, I say – ‘I am so glad to be home with you’… when I go to bed I say- I am so glad to be here safe with you’.. Intellectually I know I am safe.  My sub-conscious is terrified.  ..Nightmares..

I have grown over the yrs in regards to how I will be treated – with respect..  I grew stronger.. The damage has knocked me back.    COME ON!   LET ME RISE AGAIN…

Thankyou all and be well..

Namaste  🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi @Inga

It does feel good to put it out there. Takes a weight off ones chest. Thank you for sharing - doesn't make the rest of us feel so alone.

I hear you. We have had very similar life experiences, as would of many others on this forum undoubtedly. We get you. I had a horrific abusive childhood and also had damage done by a medication which took years to heal from. I had a major mental breakdown 5 yrs ago that made me bed-bound for a year. I am much better but still recovering. And after having many failed relationships - finally met my soulmate 20 yrs ago - it is possible.

If women don't like your company because of fear their husbands/partners will be attracted to you - then they are very insecure and not real friends to start with. There has to be trust in any relationship for it to be real. A lot of women are not like this, are secure in themselves and their relationships as what they have goes beyond physical looks; and these type of women would be good company for you. Getting to know someone first; discerning these good qualities will ensure more success in friendships. 

You are not so different - I don't drink, swear, smoke, gamble (just the occasional $3 dollar bingo for fun) and lead a healthy lifestyle and can struggle physically and mentally; but my friends aren't exactly like me and do have some of those habits you mentioned. I love them anyway as they accept and love me. We don't have to be the same to make friends as in reality we are all unique and different from each other - the same values of good heartedness connects us. That's important in compatibility as is respecting each other and our differences - not always having the same interests, lifestyle habits or beliefs. If we look for friendship based on the latter only we will isolate ourselves by rejecting others (no one is perfect - what I hav experienced is that what matters and is the foundation of successful relationships is a good heart and belief in oneself).

If we don't let stigma of our illness effect us and just be ourselves - those who matter will accept/love us for who we are. The rest don't matter. If we think of ourselves as different we will act in a way that pushes others away.

In my life situation I have learnt that no ones situation is hopeless - only if we believe it is so and give up; as if there is a will there is a way always.

Do you find it difficult to talk with others personally? What would you like to happen or accomplish that would improve your current life situation?

It is hard when illness such as chronic fatigue makes it hard for us to get out and about; making it hard to connect and lead productive lives. Did you ever consider joining a support group with others that suffer similar for support and friendship. It eases the loneliness. Good to read you have a car and are getting out and about occasionally. It's so important to feel safe in ones home to - all good things. All my best to you.

[Julia00]

Well I can say that your words just touch me. I am in situation where I feel lonely and unhappy, I love my husband and I know is a great person, I just feel we can't communicate. Looking at what you say, makes me think how important is to find myself first to find a way to talk and communication.

[Corkgirl1997]

Very nicely said, I'm alone and often very lonely but I must believe someone will come along for me when the time is right and when I'm being myself, relaxed and confident