Lived Experience Forum

[Getting2]

Hi.

Just feel so ridiculous and so tired today.  I'm not working (about 5 years now - I'm in my 50's) because of Chronic pain, Depression etc.

My wife had been away for 2 full days + 2 half days - felt free to enjoy myself (first time everrr) - used less antidepressants - she returns and then her stress stories from work and social connections rush in (things were OK for the first couple of hours) and I become grumpy, irratable, rude, distant, slowed down, tired, talk less and DEpressed.  Back on the meds (and extras if needed and sneaking a drink!).  The thing is I have a beautiful, patient, longsuffering, understanding wife - family all around don't see that I have a mental illness but she believes me - she says "I live with you, so I know you have probs" - in a nice way of course!  I am on antidepressants/anxiety meds, various pain killers and sleeping tablets.

I keep speaking to my wife so poorly (I'm not showing her care and love - and many times I don't care about her and her feelings) yet she tries so hard to be upbeat and trys to plan to do nice things together, I've turned into such a fun killer I keep thinking I'll end up destroying over 25 years of marriage and sometimes I don't care if it ends  (intimacy also went out the window months ago - I'm so frustrated that my wife won't even try to make that happen - she seems almost blissful that my labido is gone) - but I know ending the marriage would destroy me, but she and kids would go on. To me, a lot, it doesn't seem like a marriage anymore - just two people sharing a house - what's the point?

I'm so confused, I'm so tired of it all especially the "ups and downs" of meds, trying new meds - when will it end? - will I ever be able to return to some sort of work?, will our marriage end?, will the kids hate me? (whom i dearly love), dealing with my income protection insurer,  I feel like the hole I'm in is getting deeper and the ladder to get out is getting shorter by the day! - and it's ME digging the hole deeper and it's ME cutting the legs off the ladder!!  I'm not suicidal but if death happened accidently/suddenly I wouldn't be unhappy.  So sick of all this............the only distraction when I can "forget" and "get lost in the moment" is tinkering outside in the backyard or watching a movie.

CYA, better go - my post is becoming a novel, Getting2.

[hope77]

Hey, @Getting2 I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. I've been where you are more times than I'd like to admit. The very fact you said how wonderful your wife means you must love her very much. And she loves you. Your chronic pain must make you miserable and that could be adding to your depression. But only you and your doctor can know that. Like I said I've been there with migraines and depression and anxiety. The one thing that did help my relationship was writing down how wonderful my partner was and give it to them. make a point of thanking them for all they do. Explain to them that is hard to support them when your feel like shit. And also tell them that you're doing everything possible to get better. I found being really honest can take the pressure off you. I hope you feel better soon. PEACE. And I do hope I get to talk to you again

[PeppiPatty]

DEar @Getting2 

How are you? 

I remember with much shame when this happened to me starting about 16 years ago and lasted for about 5 years. It was a long road to recovery.

Somehow I managed to pull myself out of bed and work because there was no one else to help me with the kids. My sons and me have  spent a lot of time for about 5 years discussing and me apologising.

 This has happened with the proper medication. 

I cannot tell you how I feel with shame thinking of that time but also knowing how ill I was and that open communication got us through it.

Thank you for your introduction @hope77 I  I was thinking how to say hello  but reading what you wrote was great for me.

[Kurra]

Hi @Getting2

You've been rather quiet for a few days. How are you feeling? I'm just a bit concerned that your chronic pain and depression may have flared up. I know my back pain has gone wild during the last few days. It sure wears me down.

We're here for you if you need to talk. Thinking of you. Take care.
Hugzzz 💕

[Shaz51]

Hello @Toni77

How are you ??

I see you like @hope77 comments ,

[Getting2]

Just woke up so doing OK right now!
Have had some almost overwhelming days of chronic pain (which is mild at the moment) - but when pain is distant tinnutis isway over the top - but I try to keep moving (little ptojects) and use background noise to mark the noises in my head!! Hope this isn't sounding like a winge - anyway time to go and thankyou so much for asking. Regards Getting2

[Getting2]

Hi sorry for being quiet - I have had your replies by email - but can't handle the cutting/pasting whatever to bring to the forum - but today I discovered (in a Sane email) that i could just come here and post - much better for me - so I intend to respond and or post more often - thanks for support, very much appreciated. PS if you read below my pain had flared up but it seems to be mid at the moment.CYA

[Kurra]

Good news @Getting2
It will be great to hear from you more for us and for you. I so hope your flare up continues to settle down more.
Have a good day and take care!

[Shaz51]

Hello @gyp, @Getting2

It is so great to see you xx

hope your day went ok today ??