Lived Experience Forum

[zenman55]

Hi all

I'm a 61 year old male who was only diagnosed with BPD type 2 about 4 years ago. Before that, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and treated with drugs and talk therapy for those disorders. Mostly, I got by. Remember that Jack Nicholson film? I kept asking myself 'Is this as good as it gets?'

About 4 years ago after an exciting trip to the US I had my first full blown hypomania episode. I'm a creative, introvert type, so this manifested for me as intense productivity, lack of sleep and a frantic desire to do 'the next thing'. I'd lie in my bed at 3 am composing lines of poetry and get up in the morning feeling wrung out and horrible.

In some ways, I regard myself as 'lucky'. My manic states are NOT fun and I have no desire for them. My depressions are most troubling rendering me almost incapacitated for a time.

Finally, this year, I have changed psychiatrists to one who has greatly increased my mood stabilizers dose while taking me off anti-depressants. I must say, that althought it's early days, I feel better within myself, much less frantic and I'm sleeping better than I have in years. Let's cross our fingers.

The person I have injured the most is my wife of 35 years, leaving her briefly earlier this year to run away and 'join the circus' as a musician and artist. I realise how deeply I have hurt her and how long the road back to recovery is going to be. I have involved her in my therapy. She comes with me to the psychiatrist and I've told the psychiatrist to trust her opinions and judgements about my behaviour. I'm grateful to my doctor for accepting this.

It's a hard thing to realise you can't trust your own thoughts and feelings. 'Jane' my wife, is my canary in the coal mine. It's a huge added burden for her and I feel guilty that my mental acuity has been so disabled.

I've lost friends over this. Very few understand the difference between mental illness and just being a dope. Sometimes I don't either. There's hope here, but it's tempered by the damage I've done and hurt I've caused.

[Muzzie]

Hey @zenman55 its great that you have gotten in touch with the forums as these can be a massive support for what you are going through with people such as @Former-Member or @Nikolai who have been offering their knowledge and support in these forums for a long time. Its great that you have a new psychiatrist and that you have a supportive wife whow clearly wants to support you. Guilt is a really difficult emotion. I hope you can find you way through this soon. Take care, Muzzie

[Former-Member]

Hi @zenman55

congratulations on how far you've come this year, it sounds like youve made some huge changes and taken back some control over where you want to be. I don't have bipolar and can't quite imagine the manic episodes but it sounds very difficult. I do understand the depressive side though and know just how incapacitating that can be. 

I think it's really brave of you to recognise that your wife and psychiatrist may (at least at the moment) have a more accurate read on your thoughts and emotions. I have two children and always worry about the effects on them, though we are all going ok at the moment!

Welcome to the forums, i hope that you find some support here,

LJ

[zenman55]

Thanks Muzzie

I really think there is a huge difference in quality and expertise in psychiatrists and you need to settle with one you, not only that you 'gel' with, but also one who can see through your BS. I could convince anyone, including myself, that I was the height of rationality.

Thanks again for the welcome.

[zenman55]

Thanks Lisajane,

It's tough to realise how little you are really the captain of your own little boat. You think you're in charge, but it's all those fleeting (and irrational) thoughts and feelings calling the shots.

One of the effects of going through this is recognising how little of what I thought of as zenman was REALLY zenman. I did start to wonder whether I would completely disappear. I must say I found meditation very helpful in this regard. No matter what I was thinking or feeling, there was always someone very quiet there just observing. I've learned that's me.

Cheers.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @zenman55

I think I have an inner watcher too. Good Luck with your new pdoc. It makes a difference that you do gel, and gives a lot of hope.

[Former-Member]

Hi @zenman55

Welcome to the forums and it was good to read your story. It's been a long road for you to get the right treatment combination and I'm glad to read that you are feeling more stable and having better sleep. That in itself will improve your mental health considerably.

You show much insight into how your MI has impacted your relationships, especially with your wife. Sounds like she has stuck by you and you are rebuilding the trust together. It's not easy for either of you.

Important to forgive yourself and keep moving forward. You didn't ask to have Bi-polar but with awareness and good treatment, you can manage it and reduce the negative impacts.

When you get 10 mins, please have a read of the forum guidelines here, and I look forward to chatting with you on the forums. Have a look around in other threads and I'm sure you will have much to contribute to various discussions.

kind regards,

Frog

[Nikolai]

Hi @zenman55

Welcome to the forum!

I am in a very similar situation to you, was treated for depression/anxiety which made the undiagnosed Bipolar II worse, one medication in particular triggered a dysphoric hypomanic episode, something I never want to experience again. After I went off that med, I was left with rapid cycling Bipolar II.

Completely understand the guilt side of things, I wish I could offer some advice on that, but all I have found is time eases the guilt, and I have just spent a lot of time and energy trying to forgive myself, regardless of whether other people have forgiven me.