Lived Experience Forum

[Ellie]

The trouble is Shanc that we do tend to learn how to negotiate situations, then at the drop of a hat, we're repeating all the same mistakes again. There is help out there in the form of therapies that work such as DBT or ACT, but sometimes it's hard to find or too expensive (the latter case being true for me) and we always seem to miss out.

I remain my own worst enemy. I have a friend coming out today. My friend (K) is a rarity in that she's stuck with me for over 14 years. She's been down her own path with MI and is very understanding. Our friendship has always worked because we have a good time when we're together, swill a good deal of grog and party hearty etc, but she's always set a firm boundary of letting me know she'll be leaving at such and such a time and that's it. Yes, it hurts and I've begged her to stay, even live with me, but she sticks to her boundary markers and won't budge. Painful as it is at the time when she leaves, it keeps me grounded in reality.

However and after all the years of hell she's been through, she's taken a job she's studied hard for, that of a peer support worker with a well known organisation and since then I've become insanely jealous and it's probably what caused my recent melt-down at work. I feel like the job is stealing her away from me or that perhaps she's putting herself into a setting where she has access to a potential partner and our friendship will be swept aside for someone else and I can't stand it. I want to try and explain how I feel about this to her, but I know I'll only end up in tears and she's seen enough of those, plus I'm soooo scared she'll get sick of my whining and leave for good.

I have my TC coming out to see me next Tuesday and I'll tell her about it, but she really dosen't have any life experience. She could easily be my grandkid she's soooo young! Maybe I'm underestimating her, but she really is fresh out of college! The worst of it is that I'm struggling against another meltdown, yet I have to get through a month of full time work and really want to do that as it might be my last hurrah.

Sorry Shanc. I'm really struggling this morning, probably not helped by forgetting to take my meds last night 😞 I've hijacked your post I know, but I simply don't have the energy to cut and paste it into a new post. I'm just so glad you have your fur person to help you through the bad times.

Ellie.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Ellie,

It's ok to share your experiences on threads started by other members. I'm glad that you did, sounds like you're feeling pretty worried and stressed right now.

It seems like your friendship has worked it's way through ups and downs in the past. It's true, life changes (e.g., a new job, a new partner) can impact and change a friendship. Change is challenging at the best of times so it's normal to feel sad that things are no longer what they were once. Your feelings are valid, and in any relationship, I think it's important to communicate what you're going through, your concerns and work together to find a solution while trying to meet half-way.

I can hear that you understand that your friend is busy right now, and that you don't want to push her away by being emotional as she is already distant. I think sometimes starting the conversation with how your feeling about having the conversation can be a good starter. For instance, 'I'm worried that what I'm going to say will make me emotional' or 'I'm going to struggle with what I'm about to say because I'm worried about...' 

I also find using 'I' statements too can be useful. For instance, saying 'I miss you' rather than 'you never spend time with me' can be helpful because when 'you' statements can sound accusatory. Followed up with question, 'can we make some time to hang out?' This can give you and your friend an opportunity to find a solution.

[Ellie]

Thanks for the support Cherrybomb. My friend came, but lots later than she said she would and I started to get paranoid that she really didn't want to spend time with me, however she stayed today much later than I thought she would, so it kind of evened out I guess. Maybe she read my body language and decided to make up for the disappointing start.

Anyway, we had a great 27 hours together and although I felt terrible as I watched her drive away, I now feel at peace and hoping the rest of the week goes ok.

Ellie.

[Rick]

@shanc 

Hi Shanc

Rick here.

Just been reading your posts and my lord I am so sorry that you are constantly assaulted by the mother figure.

Just that term speaks volumes in relation to your illness and the pain you bare. I hope you know that you are not responsible for that person. She was supposed to be responsible for you. It is quite obvious that you have been left down and coldly hurt by this person.

Her denial of what is happening to you is a reflection of a deeper denial about her own behaviour.

Very brave and very smart to call your quack when you hit this crisis. I have my docs number and tho I hate to contact him I have on a couple of occasions and it's been the wise move.

I admire your bravery very much. You are obviously a person of enormous courage and strength. Tho you may not like to hear it. It is obvious from the tone of your posts. Whether you are aware of it or not you should know that it is this kind of courage and strength that others on this forum will take as a form of inspiration. 

That's what we do here. Even when we are not at our best our example manages to helps others remember their strength. 

I would truly love to give you advice to ease this stuff, but it's hardly my place to do so even if I had any .If only we could actually choose our families perhaps these things would'nt be. But we cant and the best we can do is acknowledge our own strength and power as adults because we are not the children that we once were.

All I can say is hang in and hang on. We are here to listen and support. 

Hope is a force to drrive back the darkness

the big secret?

Hope endures.........

Rick

[shanc]

@Ellie you can hijack my account anytime.. I hope you are feeling better.. The recent diagnosis of BPD is still a little fresh and new pills and people to see. I am thankful @Rick for your post. Its a boost to start the day.

[shanc]

One more message @Ellie and @Rick. I've been reading some other posts to become more I formed about all sorts of mental health issues. I have seen posts from the both of you and others that show real heart and the true pain you guys are going through. We all are if we are on here I know. Yet on numerous occasions you take the time to write posts to support me and others I've broken the therapist rules and bought some beer but I'm ok. Just wanted to day thank you for the support and although I'm not meant to.. Cheers

[Ellie]

Hey Shanc. If anything I've said has helped in any way at all, then it turns the frown on my forehead into a smile on my lips. We're all here to support each other and that in itself is a great feeling when sometimes we feel that the outside world doen't know how we feel at all.

Incidentally, life is all ups and downs. I'm still working on self sabotaging my job, however I am feeling a bit better mentally. I've decided to cut right back on the amount of shifts I do starting early Feb and will try to stick to only 4 shifts a month. I'll really miss the comradery of working extra shifts, but I'm not longer sure who I can trust, so the less time I spend in the place, the better chance I have of dodging a sticky end to my career. The shift manager I trusted the most has stabbed me in the back and I feel like an outcast. It's only the support of a couple of the others that keeps me from serious harm right now. I think it's time to get back to my therapist!

Ellie.

[Rick]

@Ellie 

Hi Ellie

If we can do nothing else we can at least minimise harm. And that's what you are doing.

Well bloody done!

You have acted rather than reacted and that is always a healthier option. 

I wish I was better at it.

The simple act of caring for another is not only noble and good but serves as a distraction for the issues which plague ourselves.. 

Distraction is good.

If you continiue with this Ellieaction I believe management becomes simpler. 

Simple is good.

You are good.

You set a fine example, thank you.

Hope endures

Rick

[shanc]

I think the concoction of nights of drinking beer and perhaps other nights having the pills I have when meltdown made for a cracker of a break down today.. The bad impulse I get to self harm along with tears.. However I chose to go to the gym which I never do and it seems to have worked for now.. Phew..

I have a mental list with one being the most important thing to avoid..
1) do not contact the mother figure with any issues I'm having until i see my therapist
2) don't self harm
3) only take melt down pills when I need them
4) no beer
1 and 2 a success but the last week 3 and 4 need some work.. What a break down!!!

[kato]

Hi @shanc 

i think that is a fantastic list, and it sounds like you are really giving it a super go, You are certainly doing thee best that you can do, i have a list i use, which i hardly ever get to tick off things, however i think i am a bit to stringent on myself.

your top 2 items are excellent that you are ticking them off,

I always struggle with drinking..... it is one thing that if i catch up with people i find myself having one or two drinks just to manage being out of my comfort zone.

I think you are doing fantastic