Lived Experience Forum

[Heart]

I was told today that because of the expectations I put on others and myself is what has led to the disappointment I am feeling and that I have to stop expexting so much of my husband.

The only thing I expected from him was respect, trust and support for the dreams I wished to have and achieve in life.

He decided against one of those dreams without informing me and I am surpose to just accept the hurt and disappointment that it has caused me for the last 18mths.

My expectation of a marriage is to love, support and respect, to have open communication to be able to come to a solution. 

It feels to me that I am asking for the world to be dropped at my feet.

Where did I go so wrong???????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[Shimmer]

Hi @Heart

It sounds like this conversation today has been quite triggering, and your husband's behaviour has been hurtful.

While it can be helpful to reflect on how expectations can influence our emotions (e.g. disappointment) so that we are able to recognise any unhelpful patterns and have the opportunity to make changes that lead to more positive feelings, this is most useful in the context of a compassionate approach - it sounds like you were feeling unfairly blamed today, is that right?

It is completely reasonable to expect love, respect, trust and support for your dreams from your partner, and to feel hurt and disappointed when these needs aren't met. I agree with you that open communication is the ideal way to come to a solution.

I imagine others such as @Shaz51 and @Faith-and-Hope may have experienced similar situations - does anyone have any reflections to share with @Heart?

Feel free to share more about how you are feeling if you'd like @Heart.

Take care,

Shimmer

[Heart]

@Shimmer,The conversation has triggered something, and yes my husbands behaviour has been hurtful.

I do feel blamed for what and how I have been feeling. I feel as if it is alright for expectations to be ignored, lost, forgotten, unrespected. 

All I wanted in my marriage was to be treated with respect and my dreams/expectations to be heard and valued. 

I would quit jobs if he didn't like or trust the people I was working for/with. He would come to one job with me because he didn't trust the old man I was cleaning for, his ex screwed around on him and I always felt he didn't trust me. I gave up alot of friends because he would make comments of he didn't like them.

I feel as if I have give in to his expectations and now I am to blame for it. I havn't stopped crying since 9am and I am scared of myself.

[Sahara]

@Heart,

I feel for you - hope you are going to be alright. It sounds like your husband might be feeling insecure and projecting that insecurity onto you. 

You haven't done anything wrong, and yet you are left feeling let down. It might be time to try and have an honest conversation with your husband. I don't know.... these kind of things are difficult. 

Can I ask what expectations you had that haven't been met? I know it can be hard to talk about. 

I think there is nothing wrong with having expectations.... as long as you are clear as to what they are and the other person is willing to listen to them. Then it's up to the other person to tell you if they are unable to meet your expectations and to explain why. It sounds like you might have had a break-down in communication with your husband. 

Perhaps both of you have feelings that need to come out into the open. 

[Shimmer]

@Heart, is sounds like some of your husband's behaviour has been quite controlling, is that how you feel? You're right, you do deserve to be treated with respect, and it sounds like this isn't happening at the moment. 1800RESPECT is a great service to talk to if you aren't feeling respected in your relationship, maybe you would find it helpful to speak to them via phone on 1800 737 732 or via online counselling.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been so distressed today, and concerned that you feel scared of yourself. If you are feeling unsafe, remember you can contact Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or 000 if you need urgent help.

We're here to support you @Heart.

Take care,

Shimmer

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Heart .... what I am hearing is that your husband has a controlling nature, and in the interests of being caring, accommodating, compassionate and true to your marriage vows, you have been working to find a win-win situation in it all, and have compromised a lot on a personal level to achieve that.  

That is what was happening to me in my marriage initially, until I woke up to the fact that my husband's controlling nature was actually dictating what I was "allowed" to do or not accordion to his ideas for me as his wife.  He would be warm and considerate when I was following his will, but moody, sullen, cold, and unaccommodating if I wasn't .... the ensuing discussions would turn into arguments because he would then apply emotional blackmail and be abrasive until I was reduced to tears ....

The next part of the pattern was to reason me into curbing whatever activity, behaviour, personal choice he was annoyed about with the calmness of a lawyer .... and thinking we were making headway, I would compromise ....

Life circumstances took us n a direction where I really had to start speaking up for myself and saying, "I'm sorry, but what you are asking for doesn't work for me for these reasons .... and you're uncomfortable with it, but I can't live with the discomfort of what you are asking from me.  You are not requesting from me, you are demanding, and using emotional blackmail.  That's not healthy in a relationship and I won't answer to it. You can let me know what you prefer me to do in any given circumstance, but it is my decision about how I manage your preferences against what I need.  It's my gift to you .... not something you are entitled to demand from me."

This was met with sullenness and bad temper of course, because he hadn't learned any other way of trying to communicate his wants and needs .... and that's the crux of it .... it's about communicating nicely and accepting the autonomy of the individual within the relationship.

I learned to simply carry on being polite  when he was in this frame of mind, but not kow-tow to it .... remaining aloof myself until he settled down.  It is a tool I began to use with other relationships in my life that were invasive, and they gradually moved into better order.

You will have to work out what is best for you, but it is hard to actually fault someone who is being frostily polite .... we don't owe anyone warmth in our interactions, and I remove the warmth if I feel I am not being respected, without removing the politeness.  It's a very effective shield to protect your obviously soft and compassionate inner core.

I hope this helps ....

💗💕

[Heart]

@Sahara, @Shimmer, @Faith-and-Hope,Thank you for your support.

 I expected from our relationship to be heard when I felt something wasn't right, to be trusted, to be supported for the decisions (right or wrong) that I made in life. 

When I do open up (very rare these days), and explain how I am feeling or what I would like to see happen, I am, what feels like lectured to how I should be feeling, the picture I should be seeing, what I should be doing.

I get to the point that I am so frustrated, sadened, hurt that I sit there and cry and agree with what he is saying.

He asked me a couple of months ago if I felt that he was selfish. My answer was yes. He promised me that he would go and do everything he could to get some help. As far as I know he only went once. His came home and told me his outcome of the session. It was all about how he got over his fear of dogs.

A couple of weeks ago, while we were on holidays and after another argument he told me when we get back that he would source some help for us. Still hasn't happened. I go help for us 18mths ago. That is when I learnt that he decided not to have anymore children because of my MI. For years I would ask him why we were not having any more children. His answer to me was "because". He never gave me the real answer until then. It was a big shock to think that that was his reason and for not talking to me about his consern, let along to think of supporting me through somethng that was very important to me in my life. (yes I was at a point that I could manage). We were surpossed to go back and I left that to him to see if he would make another appointment. Months latter he told me that the reason he didn't make another appointment is because he didn't like her.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I'm hearing you @Heart .... 💗

[Sahara]

---

Heart wrote: 

When I do open up (very rare these days), and explain how I am feeling or what I would like to see happen, I am, what feels like lectured to how I should be feeling, the picture I should be seeing, what I should be doing.

I get to the point that I am so frustrated, sadened, hurt that I sit there and cry and agree with what he is saying.

---

@Heart,

What you are describing sounds a lot like what happened between me and my ex-partner. I realise now how unwell I was back then.... I had absolutely no self-confidence and I found it agonising to actually explain how I felt about anything emotional. When I did finally manage to say something about my feelings, my ex-partner straight away shut me down and told my feelings were all wrong.

My ex was a very emotionally retarded man who could not deal with any kind of emotion from me at all. If I wasn't pretending to be blandly happy and agreeable 100% of the time, then he would ignore me or otherwise criticize me. 

Obviously, I was attracted to this type of man!! What a concern!

It all came about because of the way I was treated by my family, especially my Mum, when I was growing up. I was never encouraged to express my emotions.... exactly the opposite.... I was always shut down. 

@Heart, I don't know if you can change your husband, but I think you should get some support for yourself. Are you seeing a counsellor?

[Heart]

He was the one who told he that I was expextiog too much of my husband and that I had set myself up for disappointment