Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

I get upset by wasting resources and time too @Former-Member but I guess bottom line comes down to the things that you do have control over, rather than being stuck.  VW are not bad cars and I know a few girls/ladies who get a life by owning one.

Re your dad, all you can do is visit and maybe take him out, and look out for his interests in his nursing home.

Re your family, It has always been difficult.  It makes me sad thinking about what you have all suffered.

[Former-Member]

Oh what I mess I can make of things. Too hard to explain the spiral down last night, but I just woke up, dropped my phone - fell asleep while typing to counsellor to saying I don’t feel well, i’d been up all night and shouldn’t drive and have to cancel my 0930 apt... which is really disappointing because I so need help and she was good and... it hurts hurts hurts because I have messed her around so much lately, being away & all, and now i’ve blown it. You know how ya just know. Too much going on irl - fighting to stay afloat, let alone travel and be squeezed into a fortnightly 60min session fueling someone else’s pocket. I’m so tired.

[Former-Member]

This  year is too much, the end of everything... or so it FEELS, a problem when ya have SI default. Noticed the scars on my arm yesterday and thought - maybe I’m ‘grandious’ being here helping (which I’m not really anymore), sad. Gotta keep believing a higher purpose is at play here.

Everything hurts atm

[outlander]

@Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Dragging myself around today

sad to see but it’s true I’ve been horizontal for the most part of the last 36hrs

as my hubby use to declare “some ppl just can’t handle life”

the triuble with

standing alone

being shunned by family

shunned by peers

and having unfavourable childhood

well

this is formula for forever fail:

- unwanted

- go away

- useless

- unloved

- alone

- dead

In my opinion, re observation, the only way a cPTSD individual is gonna survive it is with SUPPORT.  Apparently we are not worthy of fu do g required for support and our families are the ones who did this to us.

How does one resist suicidal thoughts amid this? On top of complex grief?

 Its like I’m already dead, why wait?

Would God really be upset?

I wish there was an easy way. 

I’ve hardly eaten in two days. Hoping to get rid of 1/3 of myself at least.

no contact with any humans in < 24hrs sure starts to feel weird, floaty.

sleep is ok isn’t it

somehow tomorrow I gotta get to a woman’s conference, drive a friend, clear the back of my car first... by 8am

dont want to, probably cry all the way through it, but when ppl dependent on my transporting them, and it’s already paid for... hmm, best not let ‘em down. 

Must set x3 alarms, cause all I wanna do is sleeeeeeeep💤

[Former-Member]

Got my heart set on getting out of here. 

Heading off on a road trip

Got all I need, just gotta find energy to

- pack up

- clean up

- tie up loose ends

- load the car

- drive away

BUT

- where to?

NEED IDEAS

Trying to find alternatives to blackdog, the dark thoughts mentioned last post (unanswered)

Just stuck, need to find a way to live alone

[Former-Member]

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member

Just caught up on this thread, been off singing alles menschen.

I am sorry about the SI as default.  I am afraid I am like that too.  It is starting to feel really childish of me, but will it ever go away .... Dont know.

I really hope you got to the womens conference.

Not sure how the counsellor thing went. Hope you are alright with it now.

Going on holiday is a great idea.  DOnt rush it.  DO a little planning.  Set up a few supports.

Try and find 2 or 3 personal reasons for your choices of direction etc ... that way you always have a plan B.

You do help.

[Former-Member]

thanks @Appleblossom, ya make it sound so easy. Do you think SI is just our brains trying to tell us we’re hurting? Since we have this disconnect thing?
Really good to see you. 💕

[outlander]

@Former-Member 💖💙💛