4 days sober. Counselling started.

[Starbelle]

I have struggled with drinking for a long time but have managed to intersperse years of sobriety and enough excuses to avoid hitting what people refer to as ‘rock bottom’. Until now. 

Sorry doesn’t really cut it. Life feels messy at the moment. Conversations with my children are brutally honest. Amongst all of this, I love seeing them set their boundaries. Lines in the sand. They are strong adults. 

[DahliaDreams]

@Starbelle 

Congratulations on 4 days sober. That is a big achievement. How are you feeling today?

I have a bit of a history with drinking too. If you'd like to chat to someone then I am about today. You can tag me by typing the @ symbol and then my name should pop up. I am new here too. 

[Starbelle]

Hi @DahliaDreams. Thanks for replying. I feel a bit numb today. I’m trying not to ruminate on the poor choices I’ve made. Those feelings of shame and regret just feel like a weight sometimes. 

I’m going to take myself out for a coffee with a good book.

[DahliaDreams]

@Starbelle 

Those feeling are difficult for us to deal with. I'm here with you. I have also made some bad choices in my life - some to do with drinking and some other choices too. If I could go back and change the past I would, but none of us have that option. 

Coffee and a good book sounds like a great plan. Treat yourself with compassion. 

[Starbelle]

@DahliaDreams Oh I’ve made lots of poor decisions! In lots of areas of life. But I’ve been thinking about what you said about having compassion for myself - I have tried reframing things today. Sometimes I just did the best with what I had. 

I am also extremely compassionate towards others in my job - perhaps it’s time to throw some my own way 😊

[DahliaDreams]

@Starbelle 

it's good if you can reframe things for yourself. At least start to be open to seeing things in a different way. For all the mistakes I've made, I didn't deliberately set out to hurt anyone. If I reacted badly sometimes under pressure, but I'm only human.

The people who love me now have never seen me at my worst. I wonder what they would think of me if they had seen some of my crazy behaviour in the past? Somehow I believe that my partner would love me anyhow, that's the kind of person he is.

I have a funny story about needing a drink today if you'd like to hear it? But if it would be too much, then let me know. 

[Starbelle]

You’ll definitely have to fill me in on this one!

[DahliaDreams]

@Starbelle 

I hope this isn't too much for you. It was funny at the time. 

I went to a cafe with my partner for lunch. I didn't exactly want to leave the house, but if it's just with him only and doesn't involve socializing with anyone else, then I seem to be okay - still in my comfort zone. 

I thought the cafe would be licenced, but they are still waiting for their liquor license, so I drank water. I noticed the noise level in the cafe getting louder and louder. Soon the cafe was full of people and with concrete flooring, there was nothing to dull the roar of people talking very loudly over each other - this kind of thing does my head in - it's just too loud. I began to feel anxious.

After we finished eating, my partner had to run an errand, and I had free time in town. I went to the bottle shop and bought one of those mini bottles of wine and went to the park. I was glad to see that no one was about. I drank my wine in a matter of seconds in the shade of a tree. I felt better after about 10 mins. It was also quiet in the park, which helped.

Sad story. The End. 

Felt a little guilty this morning. My partner had no idea. 

[Starbelle]

This makes total sense to me! I think I like going out until I’m actually out - then I find noise and crowds very stressful. Shopping malls are a no-go most of the year.

I once took my own can of double strength whiskey & cola to a hair appointment. 🤦🏻‍♀️ How embarrassing. 

I am feeling good today. I have picked up a pile of books from the library. My adult children are keeping in touch. 

I am nervous about Christmas. I will be on my own. I’m sure it’ll pass by without too much pain though.

[pangolin]

Hey @DahliaDreams 

I can hear that you had a relapse yesterday after coping with some anxious feelings at the cafe. When dealing with this sort of overstimulation and loud noise that becomes overwhelming, I can understand the urge to engage with coping strategies that you have found helpful in the past.

Relapsing can feel disappointing and you share sitting with some guilt about this, but I want to take a moment to acknowledge that recovery is not a linear process. As much as we wish it could be straightforward and simple, it ebbs and flows and relapse is an unfortunate part of this.

This does not take away from the 4 days that you stayed sober though and the effort that you are putting in to yourself. 

If you find yourself wanting some free and confidential support, advice, and information to cope with this relapse or the urge to drink next time it comes up, you can check out the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline by calling 1800 250 015.