Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

i am wondering if it is normal for you to get worse at coping with a truamatic event or multiple events? like when it first happened just after i was upset of course but it didnt hurt the same way it does now. maybe i was in shock i dont know but i feel like the more time passes the worse this issue gets. i thought truama was meant to get better with time not worse. why does it keep getting worse. i am so scared every time i go out or anytime i hear someone behind me or even when i think i hear a knock on the door i literally jump at any unexpected noises and i am constantly on egde even in places that seemed safe before. now everywhere just seems like a threat. i feel like i am not able to relax anywhere. and if someone says a word or i smell something that reminds me of the event i feel like i am right back there and it is all happening again. i am just really confused i dont know why this is getting worse i thought if i could go long enough maybe i would feel less scared but everyday just gets worse. 

[Nay69]

Hi @Eden1919 

What has scared you to make you feel this way?

Whatever it is must have been truly traumatic .

 I don’t confess to know anything about what you are going through but I am here with an open heart ❣ 

[CheerBear]

Hey @Eden1919 . Really feeling for you with what you're experiencing. That's super tough.

From my understanding and experience, trauma stuff can get worse over time particularly if you haven't received support (the right kind of support that is helpful for you) and if things keep happening that are difficult to manage.

What you're talking about reminds me a lot of the 'window of tolerance'. I know for me trauma seriously decreased my 'window of tolerance'. Things built up and layers and layers of 'stuff' was added (a lot of it was/can be because of the way others responded to my 'stuff'). Eventually it meant that even the slightest touch on things or reminders, would send me beyond what I could emotionally manage and it would scramble me. Most of the time I would be really panicky, alert and busy/racing the inside but I could also quickly swing to being quite spaced out/flat and not really there. With some more time and a bucket load of the right support (trauma informed) and understanding, I am learning how to increase my tolerance for triggers and my window is increasing.

Sometimes it helps me to remember that trauma stuff really can mess with us and that being jumbled up is often a normal reaction to an abnormal (traumatic) event.

Here's a good pic of the window of tolerance in case you're interested or haven't seen it/forgotten. It helps me feel like what I can experience is kind of normal given what I have been through. Hope that helps ❤

[Eden1919]

@Nay69 @CheerBear  thank you both. things have built up i guess but i think it is also because i am essentially not "out of the dangerous place" while physically i am there is a constant threat that i could be sent back there against my will at any point in time. and that threat will likely never go away. i am exhausted from constantly being on high alert but i cant stop because the danger is always there. i know i will never be safe from them ever again and that is what upsets me the most that even if i move or work very hard to give them no reason if i slip up once even just a bit thats it i am finished. it is not fair that they can hold people hostage like this. that is why i can never talk about things again even on here it isnt safe to talk i just have to suffer in silence for the rest of my life and i already knew that would be how it went a long time before i ever talked but i was stupid and let them convince me that they knew what there were doing but i was right all a long they didnt and still dont know and all they did was hurt me both physically and mentally in ways i will never recover from. i would rather be "crazy" than live in the hell they forcibly put me into. i just want to feel safe again but i know that will never happen. 

[Nay69]

Sending you big hugs @Eden1919 

I am sorry for being off the radar for a few days. Just dealing with a few things. 

I am just checking in to see how you are going and what has been happening.

i know you don’t want to talk about it too much but I am truly here to hear about it and there is no judgment, only support and love 💗