The more I think about things and remember different details throughout my younger life I realise I've had this disorder since I was very very young. But like all things, I got used to it after a while, and so, anxiety attacks for instance were 'normal', the voices discussing and relaying a "no" for me to answer the psychiatrist when questioned "do you hear voices in your head?" never occurred to me as an issue, I just thought it was normal.
Long story short, I appear to have 4 major episodes, and 4 voices.
Oddly enough, when in my 'confident, feel good' episode is generally when my voices come about the most. Trying, succeeding to drag me down, ruining everything I try, hurting what little I love and have left.
But here's the thing, usually in 2 of the other episodes, these ones aren't so much about confidence and feeling good, the voices are silent, almost like they are gone.
I spend a lot of time in my head, it's both the safest and most dangerous place for me to spend my time. But when these horrible voices go quiet, suddenly I'm all alone.
It has taken me years to realise but some of the constant anxiety and attacks that I experience when they are gone...it's because they are gone.
I know my mind is messed up, I know I'm not right, that's why I avoid a lot of people. Nobody really gets me, nobody knows much of who I am. But out of everything, the realisation that I suffer seperation anxiety when these abusive, destructive voices aren't around is very, unsettling.
Sadly, I can relate it to my past. Abusive drunk of a father, never had much time for me except when he wanted something, most likely to yell at me. And yet the random times when he wouldn't come home always felt like a nightmare. Same thing, anxiety, panic attacks until I passed out til morning.
I don't even know if I've made the point I wanted to, I've written to much now so I'm going to stop... I don't even know what I want from this?
