Something’s not right
30-06-2020 03:30 AM
@Dizzyizzy Hey Nikki thanks for the shout out . You are such a wonderful person. I really love hearing from you and wish you well my dear friend. Studies are going well and are super pea exciting . Have taken a piece of my name with me on my studies so I never forget you beautiful people. Love you, peaxxx
30-06-2020 09:58 AM
@NatureLover Goodnight Nature, I read that you where off to bed. I hope your sleep is peaceful my friend. Thank you for your message this morning, I wish you wouldn't worry so much about me though. I am pretty much safe all of the time, my thoughts may get dark, my mood my plummet but my watchful hubby is never far from me so no chance of serious harm being done. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your concern and your friendship it means the world to me and Izzy.
Thank you, Nikki...I know you are pretty 'safe' there with your ex husband watching over you...but I worry about your distress levels, the unsafe feelings (especially for little Kimmy! - if I have understood that correctly) and all the emotional pain you are suffering. I so wish something could ease for you - it's not fair that you suffered so much abuse as a child and that you are left with severe PTSD.
Thanks for your good wishes...I wish for healing for you @Dizzyizzy
30-06-2020 11:25 PM
Hey gorgeous. How have you been? I am doing ok. Just been doing what I can to get through each day. Mum has been up my ass and she is doing my fu**ing head in. I know she thinks she is helping but she is just making things worse and I don't know how to stop her. It's my sons 13th birthday tomorrow and I don't have the capacity to entertain and be all happy and with it. I am just so tired right now. I am contemplating whether I should go into hospital at the moment. I feel like I am falling further backwards. I just want everything to stop and I want everyone to leave me alone. Is that a bad thing?
I really hope you have been ok my friend. Would really love to hear from you Nikki.
love you to infinity and beyond 💗
01-07-2020 08:57 AM
Aww Mel, I am so sorry things seem to be getting worse for you, really wish there was something I could do that would acutally help you my love. It has to be bad if you are thinking about going to hospital, please really think hard about that as I would not like to entertain what may happen to you if you don't go in. My heart can not even bear the thought of it. Your mum's heart is in the right spot for the first time in your life and that is a huge change on top of what you are going through, so no wonder you want her to f..... off. Please wish MR13 a very happy birthday for today, I know even though you are feeling low you will do your very best to make him happy today.
Sorry I was not around yesterday, I spent almost all of yesterday sleeping and when I was not sleeping I was crying. Poor Nat is not getting an unnterrrupted holiday as she has agreed to have a session with me tomorrow. Maybe the new meds are finally working a little as I haven't had many SI moments in the last week. The monster still visits everyday, sometimes multiple times in one day. Izzy is still on vacation, Kimmy and Litlle one are still in meltdown and neither Kymberly or Bear want to come play. 12yr is a little less active and the 16yr old is still a major pain in my head.
I really hope that we manage to be online at the same time soon as I am missing my BBF so very much. Love always Nikki
01-07-2020 12:25 PM
Hey honey. I am so happy the meds seem to be working for you but at the same time I know things are still pretty rough for you. Thank you for your birthday wishes. He is a very excited boy today. I will send you a pic of his birthday cake.
I really hope things get better for you babe. Yea I am just hanging in there. I feel like just running away and hiding. Today should be a very happy and exciting day for me but I can't seem to get there. I just want it all to be over. I am the worst mum in the world.
Love you to the ends of the earth babe.
01-07-2020 12:51 PM
You are not the worst mum on the earth, you have held it together for so long that you just can't anymore and that is ok. It's ok not to be ok my love. Please think hard about the hospital. I am not sure if it's the meds or I have watch Age of Ultron too much but last night I dreamt that all my family where dead and on the top of the pile (even though I don't know what any of you look like) was you, Nature, Outlander, Sans, Zoe and Sherry and I never want to dream like that again 😭 I would wake up and then when I fell back to sleep I went straight back to that nightmare. I ended up getting out of bed at 2 am this morning. I am so ready for a nap. @Lee82
01-07-2020 01:42 PM