Living a lie

[ApricotJam]

Does anyone else feel like they are living a lie?

Deceiving those around them, that things are ok yet screaming out silently with fresh SH wounds that no one will ever see that things are not ok. 

it is exhasting - being ok. 
it is lonely - when they don't know the truth

it is confusing - being able to be ok and a full time "professional" and yet constantly planning next SH 

there is no end to this. It has been like this for a long time. I don't know what to do. 

I have support. Am safe. But would like to connect to others who may understand what it is like. 

[Eve7]

Welcome to the forums @ApricotJam  and yes, I can relate to that as that’s how I get through each day.

Theres lots of understanding people here who will offer support and shared experience.

I’m glad you’re safe right now.

[chibam]

Hi @ApricotJam . Welcome to the forums!

I don't have the SH context, but I do understand what it is to be living a lie. Or, more specifically, to be (very poorly) acting out a role that everybody else wants you to play, but be looked down on because you can't understand what they want, and therefore can't deliver it to their exacting standards.

I understand the sense of captivity - the sense of 'endlessness', and the confusion about not knowing how to escape.

[wellwellwellnez]

You made me think of this song. It helps me sometimes.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiLv87KzZnzA...

[Jynx]

Hi @ApricotJam , welcome to the forums. I'm Jynx, I'm one of the moderators here. 

I'm also glad you're safe, but sorry to hear that you're going through so much, and having to hide it is absolutely exhausting! 

SH is a tricky one because... really, it is a coping mechanism. It is okay to do whatever you can to cope if it means staying alive. But it's also not a healthy one, and it is also something really hard to talk about because of all the stigma and shame associated with it. So good on you for being vulnerable with us here. It sounds like you don't have many people in your life who you feel safe to be vulnerable with, and that is so hard. 

I'm glad you found this space, because I feel that pretty much everyone here 'gets it'. It can be immensely lonely and overwhelming, but we are totally here to listen. If you ever feel in need of a little extra support or you're unsure about something, feel free to tag in one of the moderators by typing @Former-Member and selecting it from the drop down menu 

Hope you find what you're looking for in this space - it's a beautiful bunch of people 

[ApricotJam]

Thanks @Eve7 - it is nice to know it's not just me. It is certainly confusing how can I function at a level where people around me, friends and work colleagues think I am all good, and yet still be so stuffed in my head. But I just don't seem to be able to stop the SH. I have been told so many alternatives - strategies - so why don't I stop? Now i don't even try these strategies - just do it, then I can focus and move on... until the next time. 

have you found anything that works? I do want to stop as it's getting worse and I realise it's not helping the situation. 

I am doing EMDR - do you know anyone on forums who has done this? 

Thanks for your reply. This is a very lonely and shameful existence. 

[ApricotJam]

Thanks @Jynx not sure what to expect for the forums or how long I will last on it but have been checking it out over the past few months and decided to give it a go

[ApricotJam]

Great song @wellwellwellnez @am a fan of music 

[Jynx]

See how you go @ApricotJam  you're welcome as long as you find it helpful to be here. Perhaps you'll make some friends!  

I like this concept for thinking about coping stuff: 

[Eve7]

Hi @ApricotJam 

Some distractions work for me but I usually give in or I have been lately. It’s hard and my work colleagues have no idea.

I think @Lee82  may have done EMDR but she may not be around right now. If she sees the tag I’m sure she’ll respond.