Living a lie

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @ApricotJam ,

Im usually quite adept with my words, but was sort of stumped in coming up with ideas for you LOL.

I used to always say 'I just want to be normal' and 'I just want to be happy'. 

Nowadays, I wouldn't describe myself as 'happy' so much, but more 'satisfied' and 'content'. However, I have to admit that I did have really 'happy' days recently. Now, I'm just content.

As for 'normal'. It's such a relative term. I don't classify myself to be 'normal' yet I'm really glad I'm not normal. Normal is BORING. I believe that as long as someone can function effectively in society, it doesn't matter how 'normal' or 'abnormal' they are. Open to interpretation of course.

What do you think @ApricotJam @Sam3 @Cchey @altravocap @Lee82 ?

Now @ApricotJam ... brainstorming activities... for me to find quiet, I sleep. That's about it! 
If I want to stop thinking, I do mindless sedentary tasks such as stare at a screen. I could also go for a walk or bike ride.

Conversely, the activities I've mentioned above can also be done with full alertness. Hence, I guess it's how you approach an activity rather than the activity itself.

So to get time away from my own head, I distract myself with other things.

Sorry, I'm not much of a help there!

Good to hear from you anyway.

BPDSurvivor

[Lee82]

Hi @ApricotJam how are you going?

my inpatient stay has been one massive rollercoaster ride. The one on one sessions are really tough, confronting and overwhelming. I have 2 two hour sessions a week and the rest of the time are just group sessions where we learn about different things like our window of tolerance, we talk about nightmares and triggers etc. 

I am glad I did this as an inpatient because I don't think I could have done it whilst at home raising two kids in my own. Having said that I have so much to still process I may have to continue this as an outpatient. I have been feeling really frustrated because I thought I would preocess my traumas a lot quicker than I have been. It's just one massive tangled mess. It has been extremely difficult trying to deal with my anxiety without alcohol or SH. I have SH'd a couple times in here which had big consequences for me. My room has been searched a few times and I have had stuff confiscated. Although I understand why that was done it still feels like I am a criminal and is very demoralising. 
anywAy, I hope you are doing well and I am here if you need to chat or just vent. Sending you lots of strength and hugs. ❤️❤️❤️

[BPDSurvivor]

Take care @Lee82 .

Thinking of you both @Lee82 and @ApricotJam 

[ApricotJam]

Hey @Lee82  sounds like you are doing amazing and putting all in to deal with it all. Well done! A two hour session of EMDR would be so exhausting! Unfortunately I guess that's the thing with trauma, it's messy and tangled but I guess it's best to take time to untangle properly as opposed to just pull random bits. 

having to be "parent", whilst dealing with head stuff is so hard. I only have mine part time so it's - keep it together while they're with me - living that lie to the fullest! 

so glad the allowed you to stay inpatient despite SH, when I SH as inpatient i got moved to a different hospital. Hopefully staff were supportive after they had done the necessary search. SH is hard. It works.  CAn delay a bit but in the end it is what works. I know that's not the right attitude and it is something I am trying to challenge. But it's part of the secret and incredibly shameful when others find out. 

Ive just been shopping tonight - need to find the long sleeves before everything changes for summer stock. 

it is so wonderful to hear that doing it as inpatient has been a positive.  I hope the rest of it goes ok and the transition out goes ok. Well done on following through with it, even though it's been a roller coaster. 

so lovely to hear from you, I've been thinking of you. 

[ApricotJam]

Hey @BPDSurvivor 

how are you travelling? School is really ramping up and students quite challenging in this transition between remote and face-to-face. 

didn't realise how easier it was being "good" through a screen, compared to on site with students and other staff. 

does anyone at your work know stuff? 

[ApricotJam]

@Kyzik  @Anastasia  @Eve7  @outlander @BPDSurvivor @Lee82 @Sam3 

i have a question? I had my head described today in a way that kind of makes sense. But I am wondering if this resonates with others and what you may have down to recognise when the computer is putting out incorrect messages that cause really not great thoughts, feelings and behaviours

my brain is like a computer, with part of it has been corrupted by trauma. Unfortunately  the corrupt part codes information wrongly so that I can't work out that sometimes what I experience is a trauma response and not things actually happening to me. This in turn causes overwhelming thoughts and feelings which often leads to SH and other unhelpful behaviours. 

So my question is, how do you recognise when  things are not right? How do you sit and challenge with your thoughts and feelings, when what you are experiencing  (according to others) is not happening, but to you it feels real, you can feel, see, smell and hear certain things, it's the experiencing of these things each night that is driving everything - but how do you stop/challenge when it's still "happening". 

sorry a bit of a long winded way of saying - on one hand I understand m, but on the other I don't and i am at a loss. So any ideas more than welcome. 

[Eve7]

I think I understand what you are saying @ApricotJam I have things happening my head too and sometimes I write them down and try to talk about them with my supports.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @ApricotJam !

Well, I'm prepping my teachers that when they return to school onsite, there's no 'mute' function LOL.

As for your post about your brain being likened to a comp with parts corrupted by trauma.... ummm.... no. I don't see it that way. 

You see, computers are finite things. They are programmed to do certain things. However, our brains are constantly changing. The brain's neuroplasticity allows it to adapt to the environment . To strengthen the parts that are being used more. To prune away the parts that are not being used. We have the power to change our brain - if we know how.

I know because I've done it with my own brain. I suffered from memory loss in my late teens due to an incident. I lost my memory and had to relearn many things. In that time, I refused to write anything down and worked and worked on finding ways to help my brain remember things. It was so hard at first. 

Now in retrospect, my brain has worked out ways to learn and retain information. My brain capacity seems to be much better than before I lost my memory.

The underlying principle of neuroplasticity is 'neuons that's fire together, wire together'. So the more 'heathy' neural pathways you form in your brain, the more you'll be able to manage.

A computer can do this.

Am I making any sense at all? 

[outlander]

Hi @ApricotJam

youve asked some really great questions here.

So for me i have learnt to recognise my warning signs that im starting to struggle or im not coping well. everyone is different but for me i know that when im getting more irritated easily, feeling more unmotivated then usual, more nightmares or unusual/strange nightmares, my emotions,thoughts and feelings become more extreme, the inability to study-this one is more personal as studying really helps me mentally and when im not up for it or i cant even be bothered to read the content i know im going downhill. one of my other warning signs are that i start dissociating more, my self harm and suicidal thoughts get stronger and when im really bad or depending on my trigger i have been known to see things that arent there.

I would suggest maybe keeping a diary and writing down when your particularly having bad days and see if you notice anything inparticular that regularly happens when your struggling to cope- these will be some of your identifying traits. once you learn these triats it may become easier to know when your declining.

Youve also mentions 'experiencing things that arent happening but feel real to you like seeing, smelling etc. this to me sounds like flashbacks. has your psychologist ever mentioned this to you?
As someone who experiences these very often i can understand them. These are basically memories of the vent that although isnt happening to you now, it is being experienced through your subconscious memory and coming through in your senses. Does this make sense?
One thing for this that is well known to do is mindfullness which is bringing your senses and your mind to the place where you are now rather then the memories. Would it help if i shared some resources to help with this for you?

[ApricotJam]

I agree, there is always the potential for brains to change. 

I think it was meant to be - the part that is corrupted with trauma codes for thoughts feelings that lead to behaviours that are unhelpful - that is why it is a good idea to try and re-jig these trauma part ( the current plan is EMDR)  so that my thoughts feelings will become more manageable.