Living a lie

[Anastasia]

Hello and welcome @ApricotJam 

I like your name, it makes me want scones and fresh cream 😃

I love that analogy @Jynx

I hope being here helps and reminds you that you definitely aren't alone 🙂

[BPDSurvivor]

Hello and welcome @ApricotJam .

As with many members here, I too can certainly resonate with "living a lie".

With the challenges of borderline personality disorder egging me on, I felt I demonstrated one person, but lived another.

Everyone outside saw me as a highly capable, confident person. Yet deep down, I had deep sorrows which often manifested itself in the form of SH. Only those closest to me saw this side of me. What hurt me the most was when these people closest to me said, "how come you are perfect for others, but terrible to us? This means you can control it." In other words, I was a living lie and acting out to manipulate people. I am still very much wounded by these words, but to move on, I've boiled it down to "they didn't understand my condition".

Moving forward several years, I've changed. I no longer feel I am living a lie. With much therapy, ive learnt who I really am, and have learnt to accept who I am. I think this is the beginning.

My heart goes out to you @ApricotJam , because I can feel your pain.

Hugs, BPDSurvivor

[Eve7]

You're amazing @BPDSurvivor 

[outlander]

hi @ApricotJam
i can relate to you most definently. i have had so many people fooled that im ok including professionals. i got very good at it but i agree it can be like living a lie. what we show is one thing but how we feel and cope is another thing

[Kyzik]

It definitely is exhausting being 'ok'.

It can be soul-crushing in a self-perceived way with not feeling like able to open up and be honest. After 27 years and perhaps the final straw of failing to even gain a support, within a relationship sense.. such left me broken a bit and i don't even care. Be as open as want now, do what you want within reason.

Alot more details needed of course for a full comment.

Only main thing is there is no point in Self-harm. It just leaves scars and nothing worth-while.

[ApricotJam]

Hey @BPDSurvivor - i definitely get the whole other people saying you can control it in certain situations, so that means you do have control - Do they not understand that I too have thought about this - every time I do it - They don't see the incredible frustration, anger and shame that I feel surrounding what I do. 
@Kyzik I understand your thoughts on SH - however for me - it is the best option I have at the moment. It gets to a point when you are already wearing long sleeves and pants that scars doesn't matter - having said that - I am working towards stopping however it is a roller coaster of Hope, possibility, disappointment and shame 

thanks @outlander  @Eve7 @Anastasia 

for even reading and comments. It is very overwhelming putting myself out here

[ApricotJam]

@chibam hearing you. 

[ApricotJam]

This is a lot less confronting @Jynx  as opposed to being told how much you need to stop. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hearing you @ApricotJam ,

You have been flooded with responses and I believe this is because so many people can relate to how you are feeling.

 Sharing your vulnerabilities can be so challenging, yet you have been brave enough to do so.

In terms of your SH, it's not the root of the issue. Unless you find out where this need for SH is coming from, it is hard to stop. SH is addictive. Believe it or not, I have never had a therapist tell me to stop self-harming. Rather, they tell me to do it safely. Why? Because they also know that unless they tackle the root of the issue, there's no point in telling me to stop.

People need to understand that SH is the bandaid for a wealth of challenges. SH itself it NOT the issue. If you can work with the emotions that are causing you to SH, then you may have an answer.

I know this because I've been there. My emotional dysregulation and frustration surfaced as SH.

Now, having tackled the emotional dysregulation and frustration, I have no need to SH. The scars are my battle wounds to prove it.

BPDSurvivor

@Kyzik @outlander @Eve7 @Anastasia 

[Sam3]

Wow @BPDSurvivor  that's an amazingly powerful journey you've undertaken - all credit to you. Whilst SH is not an issue for me, what helped you with emotional regulation?