Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

so i am not asking for a diagnosis btw just asking for tips cause i think i might be having a mixed episode but i am no doctor so i really dont know and this could be anything BUT i am feeling super weird and like i feel like crying but i also want to run around singing and dancing and like i am not really sleeping much either well actually i am sleeping one night then not sleeping the next and then so on. and i feel good and bad at the same time and like idk i am really emotional and also i feel really powerful but also not and ugh this is super hard to describe and like i am still struggling with self harm thoughts as well idk i have no clue what is going on and i mean i dont really care what anyone wants to call it but what the heck do i do? my gp cant really help with this and i cant meet the new psychologist until april so like that is a long time away but also not and i am trying to stay distracted but then also things are really hard but also ugh never mind anyone got any ideas. also sorry if this makes no sense i am a little weird right now. 

[1mouth4voices]

I feel your struggles Eden, we come to recognise the different episodes that we generally experience frequently. I seem to have 4 major episodes, and when I am confused or lost I can try and look back and work out where I am. 

But when we experience something different from our norms, it can be more distressing than a regular episode with worse symptoms.

You mentioned a new specialist that you will be seeing in April. Is it possible that this or maybe something else is playing on your mind?

Depending on yourself and your episodes, you maybe cannot think straight or at all right now, maybe there's to much commotion in your mind...thats OK, give yourself time, maybe it will become clear tonight, or even next week.

Sorry if this is confusing or completely wrong, I'm feeling pretty weird myself right now posting on here. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  Hi Eden1919 what your are experiencing sounds confusing and exhausting to say the least. I have never experienced 'mixed' episodes it has either been one or the other ..... when I am manic (which I tend to be mostly) I am way out of control and cannot stop myself from doing whatever I am doing. Sorry you have to wait so long to see the psychologist. I hope everything calms down for you naturally between now and then. greenpea xx

[Eden1919]

@1mouth4voices  it is not the appointment playing on my mind. there is something but i cant talk about it at the moment it is too much. 

@greenpea  i have had mixed ones before but they felt kind of different to this so i really dont know. normally mixed for me is the energy levels of mania and the lack of control but instead of happy i feel angry and sad and i am pretty much constantly trying to hurt myself. this feels like up then down then up then down then both then ugh it is just too much and there are a bunch of other things that i am not coping with now as well. 

[1mouth4voices]

@Eden1919 It's ok if you aren't ready to talk, but it's good that you can acknowledge and open up that there is a problem.

I find it useful to break large issues down into smaller segments. This makes it easier to manage, and less overwhelming. 

Perhaps you could write about what's going on, everything you know, everything you think, everything you feel. Everything that is, everything that isn't.

This can still be overwhelming, but you haven't revealed anything to anyone, you're still safe.

[Eden1919]

@1mouth4voices  nothing is ever going to be "safe" for me ever again. 

[1mouth4voices]

@Eden1919 Perhaps safe wasn't the right word to use, I apologise.

But it very much sounds to me like you need to let someone know what's going on. They may not be able to offer anything more than an ear, but talking about things always takes some of the pressure off of you.

I'm guessing by you posting here that you do not know anyone personally who you can talk about this with.

I understand that you are scared, but maybe you would be willing to let us in on a little bit?

I know it's hard, but the only thing harder than doing something, is not doing it. 

[Eden1919]

@1mouth4voices  i dont think i would be allowed to write it on here even if i could as i am pretty sure what happened would be against the guidelines to write about. 

[1mouth4voices]

From reading the guidelines it seems as though we are only limited on specific details of things that may cause distress to others.

Maybe you can just name the event or issue that you are having, without actually describing it in detail?

I'm not trying to push you @Eden1919, I know the rules on these types of forums makes it difficult to seek the anonymous help that we desire.

If your post breaches the guidelines they'll email you and let you know.

So maybe you could just write a single statement of what's going on or what happened and go from there?

Good luck.

[Eden1919]

@1mouth4voices  i dont really want to go into it here.