Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7i really dont feel courageous or brave, i feel very ashamed and like im a total dissapointment. i often feel it was my fault even though ive been told its not.

im still alive but numb and feel like a robot just going through the day and through the motions.

its taken me a little while to disclose this to anyone else as well because of the way i feel @Zoe7

[Zoe7]

@Former-MemberYou have nothing to be ashamed about AT ALL!! The only shame should fall upon the person that hurt you. You have done nothing wrong and it definitely is NOT your fault. it is natural to feel like it is your fault or that you should have been able to do something to stop it but that is not the TRUTH! When one person exerts their power over another, without consent, that is in no way down to you - they are the one at fault! Even though I know all this myself it took a long time to understand and accept it. 

As for being numb - I have spent the majority of my life feeling like that so the pain would nit destroy me totally. So I completely get the robot feel and 'just going through the motions'. 

I don't know if it would help but I have a long history of abuse and trauma and have only just started to deal with some of it. It has been extremely difficult and I have also only disclosed some of what I have been through to a few people - GP, psychologist and a few peopleon here know bits and pieces. I have never told my 'whole story' to anyone.

[Former-Member]

Hugs @Zoe7

Just want to say... you have achieved a lot in your life and you will continue to shine! You have made a massive difference to people on the forums, you connect with people with such caring responses. You are honest and kind. I know from what you've shared before that you were wonderful in your job and went above and beyond to make things better for your students. I think i can guess how you're feeling at the moment in that you have failed at something... but you havent, you're taking time to make yourself better, and you'll come out stronger for it. keep faith in yourself for how far you've come, despite how much youve been through accross your years. As hard as its been you (and me too!) have also found ways to shine 🙂 There is a way through the murk.

@Former-Member

Zoe is a model to look up to I think! 🙂 

lj

[Former-Member]

Dear @Former-Member

Please please know that your life is worth living!!!

I was sexually abused for 5 years in my childhood by 4 different men. The flashbacks started a few years ago in my late 30s. I wish I was 20 again and had your courage to go and see someone at least about the depression and PTSD. Back then I would have remembered more and I think it would have been "not easier" but "different" to process as I have blanked out a lot of years in my childhood and it makes therapy very difficult at times. I also have developed very rigid coping patterns, that are not helpful as even harder to break.

I can understand how difficult it is for you to disclose this to anyone and well done for doing it here. What has really helped me is calling the blue knot helpline anonymously. Their counsellors have been a fantastic support for me to slowly but surely gain the courage to open up, first by crying my way through the simple sentence "I was abused as a child" on their phone helpline, then by eventually taking a letter to my doctor... I can write the fact now that I stated above online. I have brushed the subject in therapy a few times. I have come a long way in 2 years. And one thing I learnt is that this abuse is the root cause for my symptoms - depression, anxiety, self harm, suicidal thoughts, bulimia... they are all just symptoms of what happened to me as a child.

I try everything in session not to talk about it, but I know eventually I will and I have made progress. I honestly believe it is good if your therapist knows there is an underlying abuse problem and works accordingly with you. I say that because unfortunately I have been retraumatised by the wrong professionals who were either negligent or just did not understand the impact they had on me because I didn't disclose - because I actually took a long time to remember that I had been abused. I thought there were other reasons that explained how I felt.

I don't know if I make sense, but please know it's worth it. And please stay in touch! Take care x

[Zoe7]

Oh @Former-Member I don't know what to say! - your response really touched me 

I don't think anyone has ever described me as a model to look up to - I am completely overwhelmed, and honestly flattered by that comment (and the others in your post). You brought tears to my eyes - not just because of what you wrote - but also because it came from you. Why? - I wrote something yesterday in a response to one of your posts and it wasn't until a little time afterwards that realised that I may have inadvertently stepped over the line and it may have been triggering for you. By this time it was too late and I felt absolutely awful about it. So please accept my heartfelt apology - I definitely did not mean to cause you any harm and I am so sorry if I did.

Zoe

[Former-Member]

Yes @Zoe7 i think your a role model ❤❤
I dont know what other thread your talking about but your here on mine helping me as well 🙂

[Former-Member]

Yea that makes sense @Former-Member

One day i might get through it. Im.sick of living like this

[Zoe7]

I certainly don't see myself as a role model @Former-Member - just someone who has had a similar experience and can relate to some of what you are feeling. I am happy to help - it is a really difficult thing to talk about and even more difficult to ask for support to deal with - so it that regard YOU are a role model to everyone who has shared a similar experience 

[Former-Member]

I dont think that way at all but thanks @Zoe7

And thank you @Former-Member and @Former-Member for your words if wisdom and support as well

I really appreciate it

[Former-Member]

Do u find the emotional pain turns into physical pain?
I find when i start to think about anything or i start to get anxious etc my chest hurts and its like someone crushing my heart?
@Zoe7 @Former-Member @Former-Member