Lived Experience Forum

[BryanaCamp]

@Eden1919 I'm a lot older than you & have battled MI/insomnia all along & relate to much of your suffering. But don't know what to suggest as medication was my saving grace and I know you're strongly anti-meds. Does it help simply to be heard & understood and to vent?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you seem to have been at the extreme edge for some weeks, like almost in crisis for some weeks. It does not seem sustainable.

Have you been in this state before and is there anything that you found helpful?

From your posts/threads it sounds like you are able to sustain this exhausted state, keep going with uni and daily life whilst being at the edge of exhaustion. is that right?

Are your family nice or abusive? (mine is abusive so I get that deal). it doesn't sound very nice making you sleep on a bare wooden floor for hours before allowing you to have a shower. than again you say you wish to return to living with them and their support & pets so can I assume they provide a supportive environment?

what are your MI symptoms, do you have psychotic symptoms? I get them & know when I do when I am talking to myself and am uncontrollably enraged for days. I lash out at people. Whereas it sounds like you are able to participate in society.

[Eden1919]

@BryanaCamp  My family is nice mostly we fight sometimes but who doesn't. they didnt know i slept on the floor until my mother came to wake me in the morning for school but i didnt know i had OCD then so couldnt explain why i couldnt sleep in my bed. my MI symptoms are more than i can count. I am diagnosed with OCD, BPD, Schizoaffective disorder (bipolar type), OSFED(EDNOS), general anxiety, social anxiety, depersonalization disorder. and there have been others but those are the most relevant. so as far as symptoms i get Mood issues (depressed, manic and mixed) psychotics issues (halluciations, delusions, paranoia, negative symptoms as well) lots of different anxiety and OCD symptoms and lots of self harming issues. I am pretty much always on the edge between crisis and almost crisis so in that sense yes i can last a while but no i am not functional. I only go out when i have to which is basically class and appointments and even then class is always difficult i dont talk most of the time and i am scribbling random things in my note book only half paying attention most of my energy is spent trying not to cry or burst out screaming. daily life is also not done most of the time my home is always a mess and not just a little messy but a lot. i keep myself clean but that is about it and i only have 1 meal a day. most of the time when i am "psychotic" i get parranoid that everyone is out to get me so i work very hard to look like nothing is up so that no one will notice me but it is exhusting and i never actually get any work done. even now i am still not keeping up with uni I have over 70 hours of lectures i havent watched and many assigmnets not due. I have become an expert at blending in but i am not functional by any means. 

[Eden1919]

well despite the fact that none is reading this anymore i am still going to vent.the last few days have been horrible and things just keep getting worse and worse. I am really not ok but there is nothing left to do nothing is working or helping and i feel like i am fighting a loosing battle everyone always says to hang in there and things will get better but i dont think they realise that not only have i been hanging for my entire life but i am only hanging with one pinkie finger and there is no end in sight. do they not understand how exhausted i am do they not realise how sore my fingers and arms are. I spend my whole life trying so hard to the detriment of my physical health to please others and to give them what they want because they wont let me rest until they have it and nothing i get nothing back. when they are crying and need someone i am there listening, when they need help i try my best but whenever i am crying i am all alone and just get told to breakdown queitly so as not to disturb others. i dont know what everyone wants for me anymore but i am tired and i am hurting and one person can only give so much.  

[Lauz]

Hi @Eden1919, 

These feelings sound so tough and I can definitely understand how tired you must feel. We know we can't take away that pain in one post, but just letting you know that we are here and listening and hopefully that bit of support helps. 

Is there anything that makes you feel good, not sure if you have mentioned before so apologies but any things like hobbies that help distract you from overwhelming thoughts? I know it's not a fix, just looking at what helps in these moments too. ⭐️

[Eden1919]

@Lauz  honestly nothing is really helping i mean i am keeping busy but that doesnt make me feel better it just means i cant physically do other more self destructive things although that didnt stop me sh-ing (i am safe nothing that warrants medical care). I am honestly feeling so terrible and the eating stuff is harder than it has ever been in my whole life i really dont feel in control of it at all. it is getting so bad i keep thinking if it keeps going for a while like this is could end badly. i am trying so hard to fight it but i just dont feel strong enough. i really dont know what to do. 

[nashy]

Hey @Eden1919 recovery can be very exhausting, you do so incredibly well and you're so intelligent, insightful and aware of everything that's happening with your eating and mental health.

Please remember you are deeply worthy of coming out the otherside of this, and sometimes it's okay to feel a heaviness around managing symptoms. It is after all a tiring task at times, and we don't have to feel strong always. You are, regardless, a strong person and you are growing each day. How are you feeling today after last night?  

[Eden1919]

@nashy  I am still feeling terrible I honestly can't deal with all of this anymore. i am so freaking tired and in a lot of pain physically and i just dont have the energy i am safe and all that but i feel comletely trapped and hopeless about the future.