Good morning @TheVorticon. I'm glad that you didn't fourth guess hitting send last night. I hope it was ok enough for you to hit post too.
I understand how tricky it can be with things like phone calls and how frustrating online chat options can be sometimes too (not sure if frustrated was how you were feeling re the chat, but it's how I have felt attempting live chat anything before). As for calling the helpline, calling a number I haven't before can set my anxiety off big time, and if I am in a not-so-good headspace already, it's so hard. I too like to know what to expect. I think that comes with the nature of anxiety, is that it is the fear of the unexpected, so it makes sense that knowing what to expect helps.
I've called the helpcentre now a few times (I think three). Once it went to someone who wasn't a helpcentre person and they offered to take my details (not happening), and then suggested a time to call back, which I did and it went straight through. When I called then I spoke with Lunar. I also called one time and got straight through to Pebbles. The last time I called I got an answering machine, so I hung up without leaving a message but tried again about 15 minutes later and spoke with Lunar again. From memory they answer with something along the lines of "Sane Helpcentre this is (their first name)". It was really tricky to start talking because I didn't know who would actuallly be answering (whether it was a helpcentre person, whether it was a different someone, whether it was a moderator). I also wasn't sure if I wanted to say that I was CheerBear too as well. This point really took some umming about. Eventually I did say who I was and felt much better for it. (So much so that the last time I called when I spoke with Lunar, I think I started the call "Is that Lunar? It's CheerBear and I am so sad" haha). It's totally your call there. I asked both Lunar and Pebbles if they were on the forum, and they both said they were and then told me who they were, which is when I decided to say who I was. There was no pressure on me to do this at all, and that felt really good.
I hope that helps to hear what I have found with the helpcentre call. It doesn't change that it might be really hard to hear some weird or nqr for you words. Oh, and something else I do is put my phone on private whenever I call someone/somewhere I am not sure about. It's like a last minute out option for me then, as I know I can hang up if I back out when someone answers.
As for feeling "bad enough", I don't think we need to "feel bad" to ask for help, though I can again understand how this might be something that gets in the way of getting support. I've been getting help for a long time now, and for a lot of that I wasn't feeling that bad really. Then for me, seeing my psychologist, was kind of like taking a multivitamin (which I don't actually take - terrible analogy sorry!). I saw my psych to help keep me from becoming "bad". It can take a lot to find a good fit, as it seems you've experienced too. It's painful to reach out, find the (strength/courage/time/whatever) to speak to someone, and then get that feeling that says "this is a terrible idea". It takes a lot to keep getting up and keep trying. I have no suggestions for how to make that part easier. I can say that when I have found someone helpful, it has been so incredibly worth it.
As far as not knowing what you want, I can also see how things would be so much easier if you did know what you want. I understand that you have a pretty concrete way of thinking and seeing things (from memory), so it makes sense that you would want something clear in your mind. Maybe a good starting place is to have the mindset that what you want help with, is to figure out what you want right now? That to me seems like enough of a reason to speak with someone (that also makes a lot more sense in my head, sorry). A suggestion for another place to start working out what you want would be to go with the lines of "feeling" and "doing". You could have a think about whether it a feeling you want more of or less of, or a behaviour you want to do more or less of. From my experience, it is often one (or both) of these things that might give some idea of where you're at.
I hope it has been ok enough for you to read this. I also hope that if it hasn't been, you feel like you can say that to me if you'd like. Definitely feel free to "meh, no thanks" to any/all of this (which I think you'd do if you wanted anyway). I really appreciate how tricky the things you've said in some of your messages here would have been to say. I think it's really cool that you've said them anyway.
Hope today is ok enough for you TheVorticon 🙂
