Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

This may be triggering for some. 

I'm going to try my best to not make this too long and to have it make sense and convey the message I need it to, but that may be difficult, because in my experience this isn't an issue that many can grasp, even if they have trauma themselves. 

It seems this phenonemon is the most common amongst survivors whose traumatic history comes from early childhood or at some stage in younger childhood where children are still very dependent on the adults in their life, and the examples they set. 

It is pretty well established that early childhood trauma can lead to very significant and prolonged problems in a wide variety of areas. One of the areas that seems to be lacking is the understanding of how we gain our sense of safety and our capacity to be safe in that stage, via the example that is set by our parental figures. 

More specifically, what happens when that is not provided. One of the most important stages of trauma therapy is the first stage of establishing safety and stabilisation. 

As a complex trauma survivor, I struggle with this a lot and I have never been able to achieve these things, yet alone move on to the other stages of treatment.

This is largely because I was never provided with safety as a child to even know what safety is. By that, I don't mean logically or knowing the description of safety. I mean the actual sense of safety and being able to rely on it and conceptualise strategies for my safety as a result of it. 

I mean that none of the descriptions are things I can relate to or understand on a personal level. In fact, most of them and the strategies used to enforce it have a role in my trauma, which further reinforces the massive question mark about what it is, and that it is only something others experience/doesn't exist for me. 

When that is a part of our trauma, especially if we are also in minority status circumstances as an adult survivor, how do we develop this and the capacity to conceptualise what is necessary for us as an individual when it comes to our safety? How do we learn to appreciate and accept such things when they have never been in our life, and we have adapted (well, maladapted) to surviving without them to the point we don't even believe they are necessary?

What can we do when the examples have contributed to our trauma and therefore are no longer perceived or conceptualised as safe to us? As an adult, what capacity do we have to learn to understand, on a personal level, something we should have established long ago, to the point it should really be instinct by now? 

How do adult survivors in this scenario address things like suicide prevention and risk management? How do we learn to care about our welfare and safety when no one has set that example? How do we develop resources in this context?

For me, as a trans person who has been profoundly abused and neglected because of transphobia, both as a child and adult, who has been a victim and witness of transphobic violence and discrimination, who deals with human rights problems every day and whose gender dysphoria and coping strategies for it in the absence of transition resources is compounded by my trauma history, where shit is very much a real risk to my wellbeing and safety, this is a very debilitating problem and has stopped me from being able to move on and have a life outside of trauma. 

Professionals generally have not wanted anything to do with me because of it. It seems I have nowhere to go to for real crisis help and genuine suicide prevention. It also makes things like safety plans and duty of care difficult, like they are just forced upon me as opposed to something I agree with and choose.

Hopefully this makes sense, and thanks in advance for any contributions

[CheerBear]

Hi @Former-Member. Everything you've said makes sense to me. I want to say that I am again very sorry to read that you've experienced such trauma and abuse but I also don't want to sound trite (maybe not the best word here but hopefully my point isn't lost).

You raise some really thought provoking questions. It can be incredibly hard to establish that sense of safety and stability when you haven't experienced it or when it's been so shattered it doesn't have any felt sense. And also when the whole idea of safety is a trigger in itself. It's a jumbled mess (I've found).

I'm curious as to whether you've looked into attachment theory and perhaps healing from disorganised attachment? It's something I know a little about though not anywhere near as much as I could and possibly should as I find it quite confronting and challenging (to say the least).

No need to reply but interested in hearing your thoughts if you'd like to share.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @CheerBear  for your reply and yes it is a very jumbled mess indeed. I have read about attachment theory and was unfortunately forced to do attachment therapy in foster care, which is a very controversial treatment that only served to make things worse for me. I'm actually not a disorganised type though. I'm a dismissive type, have been since I was young. 

[Former-Member]

I was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder when I was very young so I have heard enough about attachment to have it drilled into my skull permanently. I had the classic type, if you know anything about reactive attachment disorder at all. Its very common in foster children. Then because I never found a healthy and stable environment and parental figures, my dismissive attachment got stronger as I aged and now I am an adult with it. The professionals I had then said that complex PTSD is a given when a child has had any form of RAD. My dismissiveness does impact the type of relationship I have with professionals, reaching out in general and is probably why I have never believed safety is necessary or even real. 

[NNY]

Hey @Former-Member 

One commonality many people who I have met, who for what ever reason, can't participate in society, or find it really hard to do so, is the inability to obtain financial independence.

Carlotta is probably Australia's most famous Trans person, I've met and chattered with her several times, as I was a Taxi driver for many years in and around Paddington. I'm sure she had problems in her life, but as a child and young Trans person, it seems she got a lot of help and encouragment throughout her whole life. She has always been able to find financial independence, even after she went bankrupt, she was able to bounce back from it and continue to be a success.

When I was very young, me and my friends would hang around Kings Cross and sometimes out the back of Les Girls and smile at all the 'girls' out the back and sometimes say 'hello'.

Back then, during the 70's, I don't think being a 'Tranny' was a big deal, it was just accepted as part of the big wide world. (I know the word 'Tranny' today is unacceptable, but back then 'Trtanny' and 'Drag Queen' were the only words we used)

But for some reason, things seem to have changed a lot for Trans people. Even though government support has increased a lot, the government has poured money and resources into Trans help lines etc, the life of Trans people seems to have become more difficult than before. Places like The Albury, The Taxi Club and The Beresoford (used to be a polynesian Trans Bar) no longer exist, they used to be very popular for the trans community.

As you stated, and I also think, neglect and constant psychological trauma during childhood plays a big part of in the inablity to function well in general society when the child finally enters adulthood and that general society.

All I can say really is try and find financial independence. I've never found it though. I still have to work for somebody else, and only get $500 per week, too much for any gov't support. But even though I've never earned more than the minimum wage, I was able to buy my own house, it's a shit-hole, but it is my shit-hole, which I'm very slowly doing up. And even though I own my own house, the bullying has never stopped. My next door neighbours are a family of rat bags. Throwing their rubush on my property, blasting music out at 1am 2am and 3am. Just 2 weeks ago I was woken up by them blasting their music out from 12:30am to 2am.

If I had the money, I'd move. But I don't have it right now. 

Anyway, just to change the topic a bit, I'm just wondering if you are inbetween jobs, are you on Newstart, is there a dream job that you'd like to do?

[Former-Member]

What does this have to do with the topic at all? 

[Former-Member]

And for what its worth the government hasn't poured a lot of money into any resources for trans people, at least not in my state. There are basically no resources. 

[CheerBear]

Hi again @Former-Member. I don't know anything about RAD at all. I had a quick read about it this morning. Just imagining what you've been through and experienced feels big. There are so many layers to it all and trauma playing in to more trauma. So complex.

You seem to have a lot of knowledge (which some appears to have been really pushed on or in to you which sucks). When it comes to seeking support do you think it makes it more difficult to have a level of awareness and understanding that exceeds those you seek support from?

This might be a difficult one and I ask only out of curiosity - has there been a time you've felt connected to someone or something in a way that enriches your life? Or felt like someone has been able to relate to you and you to them? I guess something that stands out as a step towards establishing some kind of safety with others or perhaps even safety within the world on my journey with complex trauma, is finding a sense of connection. Maybe part of that starts with being able to relate to each other, I don't know.

I definitely don't have answers to the questions you asked in the initial post here and it's OK if you don't want to talk or to answer any of the above (or even if you want to tell me to shove it). For what it's worth though, people here do care.

[Former-Member]

Quite the opposite @CheerBear 

My knowledge is hard to exceed for those I need help from, as in I am always the more educated, aware and knowledgeable one, even if I were to meet with someone who far surpasses my traditional education level, which to have any chance at all is a given really. My GP isn't comfortable sending me to just any psychologist or psychiatrist, only ones who have been in it a long time and have a much larger chance at knowing more than I do so that I can be genuinely helped by them. Haven't found that in almost 7 years. 

With psychiatrists it is even harder because they usually only tend to medication and I have pretty well been on them all because of how long I've been in the system for, most of them on an involuntary basis, and I have a lot more trauma with them. 

Its like trying to have an adult conversation with a small kid in daycare. You know what I mean? They just don't have the capacity to understand, they can try or fake it, but that's it, and they can't be blamed because they've never been in those shoes to be able to and it would be reprehensible to wish they had because its trauma. 

Have I ever had any real sense of connection in my life? No. I think you are right that it comes before safety and I was never provided that either. Don't really believe in it or its necessity either. Its not something I care about or look for. 

[Former-Member]

Plus to be quite frank, I'm not one that's going to take my shoes off for anyone so they can wear them, because they are mine and belong to me. I don't appreciate it when people try to make them theirs. Same goes for any attempt at connection, I don't appreciate being forced into it just because it is normal and necessary to others, and I don't like it when people assume that I have one just because I speak to them. I don't really want, need or care about it or empathy and sympathy. That's harsh, but its the way it is.