Lived Experience Forum

[Chuky]

Well I don't really know where to start but all I can say is I'm 41 and have been thinking back on the life that I've had and wonder why? Why does everything not seem to make any sense any more? The world is full of lies and hate and none of it seems worth it anymore. My childhood sucked all I seem to do was wait until dad got home and smack my mother around but my job was to get my younger brother and sister into a room out of the way and get a face washer and towel for mum when dad finally went to bed. Lucky my brother and sister have no idea what went on so I am a little chuffed abut that. I grew up around a pub of which had lots of older men and lots of them served in the army. Unfortunately from about age 6 and on they never held back on what they told me about service but most of it you wouldn't tell anyone and to this day I still can't get that out of my head. My mother didn't help me much in the way of living as she was the one that strictly told me that it was a woman's job to serve the man and this was heavly reinforced by the elder men in my life. I vowed to get the he'll out asap after high school and I did but turned to alcohol the same as my father and took it all out on my partner. I was violent towards anyone and anything for a lot of years until I finally gave up what I call the Devils drop ( alcohol ). Unfortunately extreme anger continued and a friend suggested dope. Killed my anger but that was the start of a deep dark cycle of depression and anxiety and thoughts of self harm and the list goes on but what I do know is that my life has hit a brick wall and I can't smash it down and I don't want to go back to anger so I guess that's why I'm here and I know that I wouldn't be alone but I live in a small community that look down at people but I'm sick of crying and feeling like the path set for me was just bs. Sorry if this sort of thing wasn't supposed to be on here just I have no more options or at least it doesn't feel like it.

[utopia]

Hi @Chuky.
Do you have a psychologist that you see? If not, I'd highly recommend getting one. Your gp can refer you.
I have found that my psychologist is a huge help in sorting out my feelings and helping me to try and live a good life.
You have been through a lot of trauma when you were young, and that is hard.
Talking it over with a therapist should help. And keep writing here. Others on the forum will understand exactly what you have been through.

[Chuky]

HI @utopia
No I have never seen anyone about anything I suppose because ofor the stigma in my small town. We as a town have a high rate of suicide and therefore people talk and as you may very well know that talk is never good. Unfortunately I was talking to a friend only 2 weeks ago and her opinion about people with mental illness was not a good thing to listen to and most of the people I know share the same view. That in itself makes it hard. I feel like there is no way out but there is only one way to end it all. I have held a job for the last 18 years and I have a home loan and kids and a relationship of which I feel stuck but in getting help I'm afraid of loosing it all. I'm crying almost every day now with no end in sight. I've always been told that people that take their own life are selfish and gutless but I don't see it that way. I feel like people that do this are the strongest people around and have no options available and therefore forfeit. Even my doctor told my wife I need to eat some concrete and harden up so the (what I thought) was the first step is ruled out indefinitely. Every day is a struggle not just for me but my family to. Thanks for your suggestion and for listening as its the first time I have ever opened up and it actually feels good to write all this down.

[SleepyPanda]

Hi @Chuky

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I undertsand trying to get help in a small community is daunting in regards to privacy.

I have linked some websites that offer anonyomous telehpone counselling.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/national-help-lines-and-websites

SANE helpline on 1800 18 7263.

Take Care

SleepyPanda

[utopia]

@Chuky. I to live in a small town. It can be daunting for sime people to reach out in a small town.
I 'came out' (so to speak) as someone living with MI ( mental illness) in my town. Of course there were many who whispered behind my back. But they were the town gossips and I never had any time for them or their sort. So I didn't worry. In fact, I found the whole experience to be beneficial. The amount of people who have come up to me and told me about their MI struggles or a family members struggles was huge.
Think about the statistics of 1 in 4 people developing a MI. That's one person of everyone you meet in your town. So you are far from alone in dealing with this.
I hear you when you talk about suicide. I have been there. Last year was a really tough one for me and the suicidal thoughts were strong. But I reached out and got help.
I spoke to my psychologist and told him my thoughts and my plans. He saved me. I don't have any suicidal thoughts now.
So you say there is nothing to try but suicide. But you haven't tried therapy or medication.
If your car engine was running rough, you wouldn't just dump your car on the side of the road. And think - well that's it, it's gone.
No. You would take it home and get it fixed.
Your mates might say - why don't you fix it yourself? Be a man and fix it. But the reality is that you don't know how. You are not skilled in mechanics. So you will need to take it to the mechanic to fix. And after he gets his hands on it, and tweaks this and that, yiur car is returned to you as good as new.
Likewise - we are not experts in mental health. That's why we need a therapist to help repair our engine. Get us back on the road.
There is no shame in seeking help from an expert. But it would be a terrible waste if you didn't at least try everything you could before deciding suicide is the only option.
I hope I haven't been too rough with my words. I just really hope that you seek the help you need. There is recovery out there. I hope you find it.

[Chuky]

Thank you @utopia
Your words are kind I wish I knew people just like you. I've always been good at giving advice but always been afraid of receiving. I do have lots to live for but the drive just isn't there but you're words make perfect sense and thanks for taking the time to read my story. I will book in to see a different doctor and I will go from there. I have enjoyed reading the story's on this forum as it showed me I'm not alone and there is a little bit of light at the end of my cold dark tunnel. You sound like you have the tools you need to get through tough times and it sounds to me I need to be guided in the right path. Thanks again

[utopia]

I'm so pleased to hear you will go and get help @Chuky.
There definitely is light on the other side. Unfortunately depression robs us of our ability to see or feel it. But once you start getting help, you will have the energy again to live a good life.
All the best.