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10-02-2020 06:36 AM
10-02-2020 06:36 AM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
@BlueBay Oh BlueBay I hear the pain in your words and it brings a tear to my eye. Your own sibling being a abuser is so hard to come to terms with .... I can only talk about my own experience with my father and that is I have done it for myself as I am sick of feeling hatred. Doesnt mean I forget just makes the pain easier to live with.. Gentle hugs my friend, gentle hugs. Love peaxxx
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10-02-2020 06:47 AM
10-02-2020 06:47 AM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
@Corny Hey Corny I am not religious just spiritual. I believe in life after death kindness to all animals (I am a vegan). I m far from perfect I just keep trying. Maybe I will get there one day (to a place where I am happy). I certainly didnt write this thread to upset people. It was more trying to sort out my own feelings on my father. He was so extreme one minute kind and caring (kind of) the next minute scary and abusive. I think that is why I have such confused feelings about him.
I hope you find peace I really do and again I didnt mean this thread to upset anyone. peax
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10-02-2020 06:55 AM
10-02-2020 06:55 AM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
@frog Hey frog yes so much sadness in the threads. Like I was saying to others this thread was mainly about my feelings re my father ..... sorting out my own baggage ..... I certainly didnt mean it to open up old wounds for so many. Forgiveness is a hard thing, an individual thing and with me I just have to do it or it will send me insane. Love peax
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10-02-2020 08:07 AM
10-02-2020 08:07 AM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
Oh no @greenpea I wasn't upset at all, except upset for you and your experiences! Online text doesn't portray any tone or inflection and if I came across that way it was at your father, no-one else.
A good friend of mine their father was an alcoholic and very violent to their mother. He drank very heavily and their Mum would come out black and blue. He never touched the kids but witnessing that and also living in that environment has done tremendous damage to the children (they're all adults now) and given each child a mental illness. Most mental illnesses are stress disorders and just because you don't end up with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, doesn't mean that stress didn't trigger it. Their mother still completely idolises him and to this day puts him on a pedestal. Personality's like that, find it quite easy to get a spouse who reveres them - odd I know, my own mother was exactly the same.
My father wasn't an alcoholic. He smoked since he was 14 and drank at the very end of his life for a few months, but he didn't need alcohol to be abusive.
I think what would also possibly influence how you approach this really hard topic is if he is still alive and if you still have to see him, do you still see your Dad?
I can understand wanting to find a husband who is the antithesis to your father, my friend has and they have a great marriage and wonderful kids. And none of us are perfect @greenpea
I have accepted that some things will remain as they are for the rest of my life, including some emotions and I don't need to fix them. When you think about it, it was a bloody long time we lived in that house. If someone was sent to war for 20-30 years they would come home pretty damaged.
That environment would have primed your nervous system, making it very susceptible to stress over load. I am sorry you had to experience that. I think I read once that your Mum has been really supportive, which is lovely, that would make a huge difference. But it still doesn't make up for all the loss and disappointment you experienced with your father. My sibs and I are relieved he is no longer alive. I know that would really shock some people and think me cold and callous but seriously, its the only chance we had of ever getting any peace or semblance of safety. My friend I've talked about, their father is still hanging on would you believe it. Drank like a fish and in his 80s. She's not going to his funeral, and just wants him to pass......you have to live a childhood like that to understand how these emotions could come about.
You have so much on your plate with your own health and your kids too. Do you receive the NDIS or Community Mental Health support that comes to the house?
Corny
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10-02-2020 10:38 AM
10-02-2020 10:38 AM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
@greenpea More power to you if you can forgive, and if it brings you peace then better still. I am
happy for you that you can do this. Maybe in time I will be able to as well, but I’m far from that moment at this time.
This has been a good thread, it has been thought provoking and I don’t think you have upset anyone. Sometimes being prompted to think about where you are at is a good thing. ❤️❤️
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10-02-2020 11:48 AM
10-02-2020 11:48 AM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
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10-02-2020 12:47 PM
10-02-2020 12:47 PM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
@Corny Hey Corny yes I do have ndis where I get some wonderful support workers two in particular who I adore. My sibling idolizes my father, he died back in 2001 of a stroke. A blessing to myself and my mother. I too wished for his death for most of my life .... through my teenage years and beyond. peaxx
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10-02-2020 01:43 PM
10-02-2020 01:43 PM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
That's completely understandable and my sibs and I can all relate @greenpea , its natural to want to have an end to that amount of suffering, humiliation and ridicule. None of us kids idolised him, but our mother did/does. It's a relief you don't have to see him.
So glad to read that you have great support workers with the NDIS, it makes the world of difference having people that you get along really well with and understand disabilities.
I ate green peas yesterday, I hope that that is OK
Corny
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10-02-2020 02:06 PM
10-02-2020 02:06 PM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
@greenpea I will admit i have not read this whole thread but i personally dont believe the only way to get rid of anger is forgiveness.... i dont even think forgiveness is always nessescary i think sometimes it is possible to just accept that the thing happened and come to a place of peace that it is in the past and that moving forward you wont hold onto the bad feelings that it caused if they are making your life worse...
sorry this may be very vauge if it is you can just ignore it.
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10-02-2020 02:26 PM
10-02-2020 02:26 PM
Re: how do I forgive my father the abuser
@Corny 'I ate green peas yesterday, I hope that that is OK ' = hehehe! that made me smile :).xx