Lived Experience Forum

[JRMum]

Hello everyone,

As I think about explaining myself and my situation, I wonder how I can stop myself from writing a book (which I should do one day)!

I guess I'll start with some facts:

I'm a female, 53 living in a small country town in Queensland.  I have struggled with my MH all my life.  In my early 20's it became severe, and I was first hospitalised.  I was diagnosed with BPD, and major anxiety and depression.

Since that time, I have had good and bad times.  It was only back in 2018 that I became 'well' enough to consider working again.  This year I have finally managed to retain permanent part time employment as a Director of a Kindergarten.  

My life has been a challenge, but I like to think of it as a journey - filled with hills and valleys.  

I am in my third marriage.  I have one son who's almost 20 (we try to be civil to each other).

I have been hospitalised 3 times, received ECT twice.  I have tried to commit suicide several times and have self-harmed many, many times.  I have very bad scarring on my body, which now proves to be embarrassing at times.  I am learning to wear my scars with pride - they are signs of a battle that I believe I am winning.

I am currently in a fairly good place.  I have decided to use the SANE forums so that I can share with others my journey and be a positive support, someone who understands.  While I am feeling good within myself, I am also at a point where I am searching for another job and seeking Psychiatric help yet again.  I have a Psychiatrist, a Psychologist and a Social Worker who all help me with my journey.  I need this support.

My husband tries very hard to support me as best he can.  I have the usual BPD trait of constant fear of abandonment, but he helps me by telling me every day that he's not leaving.

I also change my mind all the time, have terrible perfectionist behaviours, very poor self-esteem, and other traits that make a borderline.

I'm learning to reflect, think, learn and do.  I'm getting older, so far this illness hasn't beaten me, and I'll take every day as a blessing.

JRMum comes from me having 2 beautiful Jack Russell's that light up my life - Harry, who is 11 and has been through everything with me, and now Cora, a beautiful little girl who is just 5 months - and a terror!

I look forward to sharing with you, and hopefully being empathetic and having a true understanding of what you're going through.  I currently have some time off work, so as I look towards my next venture I can spend some time getting used to the forums, reading your posts and responding to them.

Thanks for reading, I'm happy to be sharing my journey with you!

[JustMe48]

You're an inspiration to many @JRMum. The one thing I picked out of your whole journey was that you have never once given up and you are fully aware of yourself and who you are. You have put a support network around you and you are trying so hard to live a better life. The fact you can share this story with many on here is amazing and really, a true inspiration for those who are choosing to sit in denial, are running away from helping themselves and allowing their lives to manifest into something they didn't bargain for. I love your positivity, your fight and I wish so much for you to have a bright future ahead, albeit with its ups and downs. Stick with it, be brave and tell the world "I'm here and I'm staying, get used to it!". 🙂

[JRMum]

Oh, thanks so much @JustMe48 !  So lovely of you to say those wonderful things.  

Yes, I am here, world!  I deserve to be here as much as anyone else!

For me, I find it really hard to admit to people openly that I have lived experience with Mental Illness. I present myself immaculately, almost too perfect.  I know this is something I need to work on, allowing others to see imperfection and be ok with it.  But sharing that I have a Mental Illness means being exposed and vulnerable.  I'm reading Brene Brown's work, it's really good.  She has done an excellent TED talk, which in on You Tube on Vulnerability.  So many millions of people have viewed it.  I love it.

It makes me feel that others feel like me too, I'm not the only one.

[JustMe48]

You are certainly not alone and every step you take into the land of vulnerability is a step closer to understanding and healing. Mental health is certainly not something to be ashamed of and feeling vulnerable, nervous and anxious about opening those doors are the first steps. We need to feel those emotions and the more we fear them, the more they manifest. Life comes with feelings, it's part of being human, we can't escape them, our brains are wired to throw a multitude of emotions at us ... guess what? None of them, not one, can hurt us unless we let them. Sometimes, we have to say "Seriously, are you talking to me? You're not making sense". It's like that little friend that just wants to make life difficult for you for a while and we don't need that friend. THAT friend can turn around and walk right back out of your head.

So, in my opinion, be a little scared, feel a bit anxious at times, it's your body's way of saying "I'm human, this is normal". Life is about hitting red flags and having confusing thoughts from time to time, including rejection, jealousy and a multitude of others - it's just all about how we see it and how we handle it.

I'm on the other side where my mother has had MH all her life and she is now in the system, psychiatric 24/7, the switch has flicked, and I truly believe, if she had done something to better herself all those years ago (when I almost begged her to help herself) and fought for her own well-being, the demons she has now would be a lot less. Don't give on up on yourself, you are more than worthy and I, for one, am on the side lines shaking my pom poms!

[Snowie]

Hi @JRMum 

Welcome to the Sane forums.

Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life and have come out the other side a stronger person. 

I can understand that need for support. It plays such a huge role in our mental health journey.

It is reassuring to hear that you have your husbands support. I have that too and am thankful everyday for it.

I agree with you that our fur friends can make a big difference in our lives and gives it some fulfilment. I have a cavoodle who is a terror also!!

I hope you are able to navigate yourself around the forums. Look forward to talking with you soon.