Lived Experience Forum

[Lt72884]

To whom it may concern:

First and foremost, i am not throwing my wife "under the bus" i have loved her as best as i can.

I feel trapped and like a hostage and have no idea what to do. I am trying so hard not to envolve my family or friends with my situation. I have one friend who knows, i have an eclesastical leader who is aware and my mother knows somewhat of what is going on.

You may hve read my previous thread about my wife who is suffering from BPD symptoms severally. Her fathers therapist has said that my wife has it. Her mother has it BIG BIG BIG time. I have witnessed things that i wish i would have never seen. I already have PTSD from my youth and i was pretty good before i met my wife, now its WAY HIGH.

This is where i need some help from you guys. I am terrified to go home. Thats the truth. I used believe that the entire marriage was my fault. I used to take the blame on EVERYThING to help diffuse the extreme mood swings. To be glorified one minute, then the next to be called an F****ing A hole, other fantastic names, a losuy provider(im the only one working AND a FULL TIME areospace engineering student NOT EASY!!!!)

Where the problem lies for me, i try so hard to go to work and school either by myself or stay extra hours so i dont have to go home, but EVERY time i try that, this gut wreanching FEAR takes a hold and tells me to go home, even though i am terrified to. This is how i feel like a hostage. I am trying to protect myself but that fear, shame and guilt of doing so KILLS me. I am damned if i do and damned if i dont.

We are trying to rebuild the marriage but it is very difficult. She wants deeper conversation but i can not give it to her because everytime i did, i was accused of the following:

Stealing her life
stealing her energy
Taking control of the conversation
controlling her life
hating her for being excited or happy
being told that my excitement is to much for her to handle and that i need to calm down
Dont talk about school or work with me(my wife) because its to stressfull and your a negitive person
your taking over my life
you have aproval addiction

It is so difficult because i am not myself anymore. that stopped years ago. Last time i tried was baout 9 months ago. She was talking about our little food business and she brought up the idea of a perpetual motion do it yourself generator to turn some led lights on for decor. I gave her plenty of time to talk, about 35 minutes worth before i said anything thats when I said "That would be awesome! Our customers will love this idea. it will be fun to make and show it to people:)" That is when she stopped and became very very angry and began to yell at me saying i stole her ideas, life and fun. And the only reason i want to make it is to have aproval from people. The yelling from her lasted close to 3 hours. A short time compared to other times.  I tried to get out of the car but i cant because i am affraid to leave and affraid to stay.... IT SUCKS. my PTSD freezes me big time and i loose all controll of my senses.

Belive you me, my addictions that i was working on before i was married ( i was doing well with them. i was excercising, eating healthy, listening to music, laughing, yawning, you name it) skyrocketd about 3 months into the marriage and after about 6 years, i finally became clean. I thought that would help, but she is still the same. She didnt know i had the addiction going on, though she did feel something was not right and that i know is true.

Above you may be wondering what i mean by laughing and yawning. SHe has this idea in her head from someone that i have no idea whom, that if i yawn or laugh in her presence, i am stealing her energy. It caused a big fight last week. For example, she does not like my family at all and wishes i would stop seeing them. She says she doesnt want me to stop seeing them but i can tell by her jabs towards me about them that she wishes i would stop seeing them. IE "I always wished i had inlaws that were like me, i guess wishes dont come true" stuff like that. I have even had to put passwords on my phone and delete the entries of when i have called my family or text them to say hi because if she sees that i have text or called them, she gets upset and says "i knew you did because you are acting just like them" she will even say that if i talk to my friends. SO i never tell her who i talk to.  ok anyway we went down there for 2 hours. the next morning, i went into the front room to see her(we sleep in seperate places because she says when she is by me, she has heart attack feelings) and i said "good morning sweet heart. i think i ate something not good last night. my tummy hurts" Instantly at that moment she says in a very angrly voice "i was feeling good and grateful for my life and you come in her telling me you have a stomach ache and give me all your sickness and steall all my health and energy from me" i immeditally left the room. She came in and continued to rail me and blame it on me.I said "babe, lets explore whats going on. hand me your hands and lets try to ballance the emotions between us" After about a minute of this, she got upset again and said the exact same thing of me stealing her life. thats when i couldnt handle it anymore because of the yelling and i said "Sounds good" and got up and took a shower. i heard the door slam and she drove off for about 8 hours... it SUCKED

Now, im not perfect either, i have my issues and i know that. We did have some great times while we were dating but it seems as soon as the relationship became more real and solid vs a surface relationship, she became more and more isolated and mood swings were constant.

Please bare in mind that this is not to trigger anyone on here that may have BPD. I am doing this because i feel extremly stuck and dont like it.

Even right now, i am dreading to go home in an hour, but yet i will end up going home because the dread goes away, untill i go in the appartment....

thank you much for listening to me. If this is to much for the forums, i understnad if it needs to be deleted. I am toning it down as best as i can. I know it sounds like i am hating my wife and blaming her, i am not. i have been in therapy for 3 years and both of them belive she has bpd. Her father has also told me that she does.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Lt72884,

I feel so much for you from what you have written. I have bipolar, not BPD. But untreated, or inadequately treated, I have to admit I treated my husband very badly in our marriage (which lasted six years). To this day I still carry guilt and shame about my verbally abusive behaviour that went on all that time. That ended almost 20 years ago and both our lives have improved a lot since then (we are still in distant contact now that things are different).

Whether or not your wife has BPD is not really the issue. That can really only be decided by her going to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist for a proper diagnosis. The issue is that she is treating you abominably, whether mentally ill or not, and it is probably having a very detrimental effect on your mental health (and probably physical health as well). That kind of stress tends to be damaging to both.

You say that you have faults in the situation too. It may be that you are both stuck in a damaging relationship all round, that involves both of you in different 'roles' in the dysfunctional pattern.

From what you have written, I can only suggest relationship counselling and/or leaving the relationship. It seems to me that you both may also need psychological counselling to recover from the damage of your relationship to date.

Kindest wishes to you, Maz

[Lt72884]

Thanks for the reply.

Yes it is effecting me mentally and for sure physically. I have been the only one for the last 3.5 years going to therapy.

Before i met my wife i had finished a year and a half of therapy for ptsd and was doing well:) but once i met her, and the trama started up, she said if i didnt go get help, she would leave me. So naturally, i went and got 3.5 years of help thinking it was all my fault. She went once and was asked many questions. My therapist did tell me she has the major signs of it. Then when we moved across state and i found another therapist, the dr said same as the last dr.

I do have to say that last night i almost gave in to my old pattern of addiction. I am doing best but beating myself uptoday. Learning to be accountable:) trying not to justify my weakness last night.

Thanks

[Mazarita]

Hi @Lt72884, I am a troubled sleeper and awake sometimes at this late hour. Happened to see your new post tonight so thought I'd reply again.

Are you still in therapy now? It would seem worthwhile, just for own benefit, to have that support at this time, and in an ongoing way, to deal with the traumas of your marriage.

I'm guessing that your wife might be abusive towards you if you suggested her going into therapy too. That would still seem to be the only way for her to get a diagnosis, as it sounds like the therapists you have seen have not met her. However, as I said earlier, her diagnosis seems less of an issue than her apparent abuse of you.

I still feel that it may be best to end your relationship but understand that is hard to do and you that you may wish to persist in the hopes of improvement. Wishing you both the best.

[Lt72884]

Thanks for the reply.

yes i am in therapy now:) i started about 3.5 years ago. Both of the dr's have met her:)

It is very hard to tell how she feels about therapy because its yes and then no

She says "sure, we should go together" then the next day its a upset feeling and she feels that the dr will judge her and be all mean and stuff and think she is the problem. Or she will say that knowing the physical side of things is good but they dont get the energetic side of things.

but personally, i think she would do it.

Thanks