Lived Experience Forum

[ally2]

Hi - sorry in advance for the very long post. I tried to call Relationships Australia but they are not open on Sunday.

My husband of 19 years recently (about 10 days ago) walked out on my daughter’s and I. We have had problems over the past couple of years - he says I am too negative and I pick on him all the time and therefore he is unhappy on the marriage. This is somewhat true and I hate myself for it! I just seem to nitpick him all the time - it’s like I can’t stop myself.  Anyway he finally had enough and moved out of our home and in with his brother. He said he needs some time and space to think about things. I swore I would change and be a better wife but he said “I don’t think you can change”. I am now desperately scared that he has made up his mind that our marriage is over and that he won’t come back. We have 2 daughters aged 17 and 15. 

He manages the family transport business (I work there also) and is under tremendous stress at work and works 70-80 hours per week. I have always been very supportive and understanding of the demands of the job and have never complained about how little we see him. But now I am beginning to think that maybe that is why I am so negative with him - perhaps I subconsciously resent always being his 2nd priority after the job. The pain and hurt is just so raw at the moment, and I don’t know what to do in the short term. I desperately want him back 😓

[CheerBear]

Hi @ally2. Really sorry to hear that you're feeling so hurt right now, though it's understandable given what you're going through.

I can see how it could have been difficult for you to feel like a second priority in your marriage. When I think about the times I've 'nitpicked' there has probably been something bigger driving that like you mentioned you may have experienced too, and your husband not having much time for you and your family would have been hard. Has your husband been open to conversations about his work and the impact it has on your relationship? I wonder if it might help to talk with him about this now you're beginning to think this way.

Although it is really hard right now, maybe some time apart will help you both see what it is you need and what might help your relationship. I haven't been in a relationship of this kind for as long as you, but I know sometimes some breathing space and time out can be really helpful in the longer term. As you said though it can be hard to work out what to do to get through the short term. What kinds of things do you find bring you comfort or 'good' feelings? Allowing time for those things if you can may help you get through the difficult time you're having now.

It's great to hear that you are trying to get in touch with Relationships Australia. They should be open today and hopefully you'll be able to speak with someone and find some support. Please keep posting here too if it helps.

[CheerBear]

@ally2 I've just checked the Relationships Australia website and found they don't reopen until the 14th which surprised me. 

Another option is Family Relationships Advice Line. Here is a link to their advice line which looks to be open M-F 8am to 8pm, and Saturdays 10am-4pm. In that link you'll also find some other options for support. 

It can be tricky to find support sometimes, but worth keeping at. Wishing you the best with it. 

[ally2]

@TAB what part of your comment is helpful? 😡

[TAB]

sorry @ally2