See, the thing is I have always known that I am different and that others will not understand me. I have personality traits and cognitive functions that not many other people do and that creates disconnect. Do you believe in Jungian psychology @CheerBear? I am an INTJ which is the second rarest personality type in the world. Because of this and the specific cognitive functions I have, I have been aware of my rarity and disconnected from others since I was a small child.
As such, I am used to it and it doesn't bother or offend me. Being an introvert, I have no issue whatsoever with solitude and not being a part of the crowd, in fact I embrace it and I embrace that I am set apart from others. Being that I am an introvert, I am not concerned with being reassured, validated and understood by others because I can provide all of those things to myself in a far more genuine way. I hope that doesn't come across as rude, it is just the truth.
As an INTJ, my dominant function is introverted intuition. Because of this I am rather hard to connect with, as I am typically always ahead of others because this is the most forward thinking function in Jungian psychology. This function also means that I communicate in a way that is strange to others who are not also intuitive types. This function, mixed with my other functions, means that I am very impressionistic and the way I view things is based on impression as opposed to strict reality/data. I don't pay much, if any attention to what things look like as is based in reality.
This means that I notice things that most other people don't and that I view people differently. For example, I am not someone who will draw attention to your physical appearance, but I will notice how you behave and how authentic or phoney a person is. Being a dominant introverted intuitive means that I am very adept in making connections and seeing deeper meaning behind things, and my main objective is to make such connections and develop understanding of deeper meanings.
Being that this function is introverted, most people never notice this about me and that is why there is rarely ever mutuality in conversation and understanding between myself and others. Instead they notice that I am adept at analysis and logical thinking skills, and that I am very good at assertive communication, as well as the fact that I am quite efficient at everything I do. All of that is due to my second cognitive function.
The other thing that creates disconnect is my third cognitive function. People seem to be used to, and expecting of visible and externally expressed emotions. I am not like that because my feelings function is introverted, and as I wrote earlier, even I do not notice it much and I primarily use it as a moral compass. When people don't see the emotional reactions and responses that they perceive to "match" what I say, it is strange to them, and they assume that I am cold and have no real feelings, especially when my analytical skills are readily on show instead.
That however is simply not true. I think today's society is very extraverted and has little acceptance of introverts and introversion. It seems difficult for a lot of people to grasp that just because I don't talk much about them, and do not have visible reactions or responses, it does not mean I am a robot. It simply means that I am not concerned with having my emotional side validated by other people, because why would I need such validation when I can already provide that myself. To a lot of people, not being on show emotionally is equivalent to not being willing to be vulnerable. In reality, it just makes no sense to my brain that I should put personal matters on show and expect validation for private and personal beliefs and so on that strictly only apply to me.
Being an INTJ gives me a mysterious vibe towards others. Again, this does not bother me whatsoever and neither does the fact I am rare. However, the expectation from others that I should be bothered and disturbed by my own personality and how I function does concern me. I find it despicable and repulsive, in fact.
As do I find the pathologisation of introversion in general. I simply do not understand why it is appropriate to force me to be social and always around others. Frankly, I could live on a deserted island with no one and it wouldn't disturb me in the slightest. And why should I be disturbed just because others find it weird and disturbing? That's their problem, not mine. I know what my social needs are and I don't care for having others dictate to me when they don't even know me, yet alone what my needs are and how to meet them.
People always seem to speak to me in a way that shows that they expected me to not already know such information. It is very rare that I don't already know, especially when it is information about myself and things that impact me. Again, that isn't to honk my horn or sound arrogant. It is just part of how my brain works to always be ahead and to have a lot of knowledge of my own.
So, you know, saying I could be this, I could be that, I would be great at doing this etc, all sounds trite to me because I already know and that is part of why my mental health is poor. Just because such things are true it does not mean they can be expressed. I find it puzzling that so many people seem utterly unable to come to that conclusion.
I have had so many therapists in the past treat me like some kind of lab experiment because I have things they don't expect, like my self-awareness. I don't need to be told why I am the way I am or why I use the behaviours I do. I don't reach out to be conditioned and told what to do. I come to learn how to help myself. My knowledge and self-awareness disturbs people, especially professional people. So do my analytical skills.
There's a reason why I don't bother seeing any anymore. Anyways, I've gone off on a tirade, as per usual.
I found it interesting to read that you imagine my posts to be a snapshot of my experiences. A lot of people think that. I guess it makes more sense than what it actually is. But like I said, I'm not concerned with whether people understand me or not because I understand myself.
I also find it strange that people always want to assign emotional energy to what I say, as if it isn't acceptable or appropriate without it. But alas, that is what most people do.
And they also assume that my lack of self-worth and self-esteem comes from people shying away from me. Like I am hopelessly dependent on being connected to and reassured by others. Am I supposed to be sorry that I'm not?
I guess in the absence of being able to provide details, it appears that way. But unfortunately I am not allowed to provide details because they may be triggering and discourage people from seeking help. Who cares that it is my truth, right? And people ask me why I am so anti-dependent and find solace in being alone..... As if others couldn't possibly do me any harm because they are human like I am.
Like I said. I'm not like most humans and I couldn't care less about being treated as if I am and being pitied because I am not. Some of us are born with wings, most of us are not and have their feet stuck in a hole in the ground.
I guess this cage is where I have to stay for now, will my wings ever grow back and will I ever be able to fly, I highly doubt it in this world. And I'm not going to act as if there is nothing wrong with that.
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13 YARN