Lived Experience Forum

[NatureLover]

Question 1:

What feelings on the emotion wheel do you most often experience when you are angry? 

I feel mad, aggressive, betrayed, critical, violated, furious, hostile, and let down.

I am horrified to realise that one of the angry things I feel is 'critical'. My super-critical father did a lifetime of damage to me, so I really don't want to be a critical person! Ditto for 'agressive' - oh dear. 

[JungleGiants]

@BPDSurvivor thinking about how rage has turned to frustration more now for you, I have a similar process, especially before I was diagnosed. Now its more intense irritation for me that can be managed without saying it in the moment. Food for thought 🙂

[cloudcore]

Question 2:

How does anger show up in your life?

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@BlueBay @RedHorse @Arizona @SJT63 @Owen45 @Appleblossom @Eve7 @Bow @Snowie @Shaz51 @JungleGiants @BPDSurvivor @wellwellwellnez @NatureLover 

[Arizona]

Question 2:

Anger usually shows up in my life with me reacting to people who have overstepped my boundaries. Or treated me badly.

[SJT63]

Anger showed up in my life with him.

By nature, I am a very patient and forgiving person. I don’t get angry with idiots on the road, or when I drop and break things or if I make stupid mistakes when I’m making something. I don’t get angry with shop assistants or call centres or beaurocracy. I don’t even get angry when the internet drops out.

When I met Mr S my patience and kindness came to the fore and served me well. Then I started down an old road of feeling very guilty a lot of the time; beating myself up for not having seen an issue coming, letting him down, not fulfilling my obligations? I sought help and discovered that I was mis-interpreting anger for guilt, or maybe even feeling guilty for being angry.

I really, really hate being angry. It makes me physically uncomfortable as well as mentally drained. I envy @Appleblossom  and @Arizona  if anger gives them a burst of energy because for me it leaves me completely drained of energy and unable to concentrate.

I will give you an example of how this very thing manifested last night. When I cook dinner I always cook enough for us to have for lunch the next day. A box for me and a box for the Mr. He often eats a box during the night so I either miss out on lunch or, if I have a hidden emergency stash in the freezer I take one of those and leave the second box for his lunch.

Last night there was only one serve left and while I was distracted the cat got it. This made the Mr angry so I got a bollocking because he’d been looking forward to leftover curry and “there is no food in this house again”. He doesn’t mean no food, he means no “fridge food”, his name for things he can just reach in a shove in his mouth. Heaven forbid he should slice up some ham or put bread in the toaster himself (hear my angry tone there?).

But even that wasn’t true. He didn’t eat what I’d left him on Monday so I took it Tuesday. Tuesday he didn’t eat what I’d left him so the pattern repeated. Again yesterday all he’d eaten was the cheesecake I’d made on the weekend and not the sausage rolls which I put in the freezer when I got home. Six months ago I would have begged forgiveness, promised to do better, made up a whole new meal for him for the next day. I would have thought I felt bad because I’d let him down but now I acknowledge that what I felt was anger.

Anger about my efforts going unnoticed, anger at being criticized for something that wasn't true, angry about his daytime meals being my responsibility in the first place and angry about the fact that if I were to defend myself it would be on for young and old. For about half an hour I raged internally while trying to look ok on the outside. It put paid to doing any housework or work for my business that evening but eventually I let it go. Again.

It is good that I am not now berating myself for leaving him inadequate choices in the fridge, for not reminding him what was there, for not setting an early alarm so that I could make a meal for him before I left.

Anger shows up when I feel I am criticized unfairly. It shows up when I am blamed for things beyond my control or when I’ve done my very best and it still isn’t good enough. It comes to visit when issues that I thought had been resolved keep cropping up, or the rules change without notice, and I am powerless to make a difference. 

I hate being angry, but I prefer it to the guilt I used to suffer from.

[Appleblossom]

Hey @SJT63 

Your partner relationship still sounds very trying. Having kids taught me the importance of not enabling other's bad behaviour. I still struggle mind you, but I am convinced that  Sounds like misogyny at work.  Isnt it time he learns about food prep? No you are not required to put with that. 

I find anger difficult to feel and it is not good for my neck and I rarely get angry for all those little frustrations you mentioned.  It would have been bullied and frozen out of me as a kid.  I was told by therapist it was important to get in touch with my anger in early 20s but it did not come easy.

I am pretty old now, and when I say I get energy from anger, it is more of a silent stiffening of the spine while I am driving the car somewhere and thinking about my life.  An awareness of the outrageous things I have endured and amazement I have survived and more of a pressed lips resolve that I also do matter, not just my younger sibs or kids.  I am wary of intimate relationships.

[JungleGiants]

Id say it has gone from more extreme levels of confrontation to holding on to it for ages. This year has seen me be more angry at people who dont hold my values, whereas thats never been as big a problem before. I still have trouble verbalising it at times to the people I get angry at but do give feedback more .eg. to those who can do something on a higher level. So a more passive aggressive way then Id like, but also thats what I need to do right now in lockdown and spending more time online. 

[Snowie]

That is a very hard question to answer @cloudcore 

I think anger shows up in my life in a variety of different ways.

I think it is from others reactions to me, not getting enough support, and more importantly me blaming myself for what I do and what I have become. I get angry quiet easily at myself for not "coping" better.

[cloudcore]

@Arizona  @Appleblossom @SJT63 @JungleGiants @Snowie 

You've all shared ways that anger has shown up in my life too! Anger, but more so passive aggressiveness, as @JungleGiants mentioned, was a common response for me to boundary breaches and lack of acknowledgement for my efforts as well.

These days my anger is expressed more fully but doesn't show as often. Anger shows up when someone is directly and purposely offensive towards me.

Keen to hear other responses too!

[Arizona]

And anger at myself which usually manifests has self-criticism and self-loathing.